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Britney Spears 911 Call Tape Transcript from January 3, 2008

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Britney Spears in Ambulance after 911 call domestic dispute

Police were called to Britney Spears’ home around 8pm tonight, because of a domestic disturbance involving Kevin Federline, who is Spears’ ex-husband and the father of Britney’s two children. Five police cars arrived at the scene, as well as a fire truck and ambulance, over the course of the four hour ordeal. Some early reports suggest Britney was under the influence of an unknown substance; perhaps alcohol.  Britney was seen leaving her house on a stretcher, being carried to the ambulance. It was not immediately known where she was taken.

The 911 call Britney made will be officially released due to the freedom of information act. Because a friend of mine is a clerk at the Police Recording Information Center, after some begging, I was able to get an advance copy of the 911 tape, right off the press.
Britney Spears 911 call Tape: 7:44 pm, Thursday, January 3rd, 2008:

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911 Agent: Emergency. How can I help you?
Britney Spears: Yeah, hi. I’d like a large peperoni, with extra cheese, and some of those cinnamon sticks with extra icing, and a six pack of diet rum Coke.
911 Agent: Ma’am, is everything ok?
Britney Spears: Well, my stupid loser ex will hardly let me see my kids because he says I’m unfit. But that’s so stupid because like I work out every day!
911 Agent: Is there an emergency?
Britney Spears: Hell yeah! I need that pizza here really really really soon. KEVIN YOU ARE NOT TAKING THESE KIDS SO JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE YOU BIG FAT MEANY PANTS!
911 Agent: Ma’am, we’re going to send a car over there right away OK?
Britney Spears: As long as they bring the pizza ok? And do you sell baby food? I’m still out. That’s ok, I have a little beef jerky left.
911 Agent: Ma’am are you in any type of physical danger right now?
Britney Spears: You know, I think sky is really really nice when it’s blue. It’s so, so kind of like, yeah, like that kind of. Blueish. I FAKED EVERY ONE OF THEM KEVIN! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! EVEN WHEN I WAS ALONE!
911 Agent: Ma’am, the police will be there in just a few minutes all right?
Britney Spears: The Police? Oh I LOVE Their music.  Sting is like so the best. Tantra ROCKS.  Wow, my ceiling is really really white. Like totally whiteish white white. I HATE YOU KEV. 
911 Agent: Ma’am, just stay on the line until they arrive, okay?
Britney Spears: Sure, no problem. But I’m gonna go now okay? I kind of need another drinky and some sex. HEY KEV, WANNA MAKE ANOTHER BABY HONEY?  I GOTTA STAY AHEAD OF MY SIS. Anyway, Thanks for calling. I love you so much. Bye Bye.

Page Topic: Britney Spears 911 call, taken out on a stretcher

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Funny Answers to a very old joke

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? 

 PARIS HILTON:

Huh?

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BUDDHA:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

BILL O’ REILLY:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

HILLARY CLINTON: I’m glad my staff asked you to ask me that question. I chaired the senate chicken investigation which sought to determine exactly why this is happening and what we can do to stop it. I have a great deal of experience with chickens. I’m also very very likable and nice, isn’t that right Mom?

DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Visa , which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and compete with Apple’s Smooth Eagle.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH
Finally, a question about something I know about. Down at the ranch in West Texas, we used to hunt chickens and they’d run across the road, where my brother would run over them with a truck.  That’s what you call resourcingfulness, and I’m full of it.

JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? What is wrong with that chicken?

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road but why it crossed, I’ve not been told.

Page topic: Why did the chicken cross the road joke: answers from celebs and historical figures

Paris Hilton Finishes Difficult Sentence. Says She’ll Never Be Behind Bars Again

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June 21, 2007. InnocentEnglish.com News Wire

Paris Hilton finished a difficult sentence yesterday, which is unusual for the heiress who often forgets what she is saying in the middle of them. She was speaking to another inmate at the prison, when she was overheard by a guard talking about how she used to go to bars, and then go out the back door and hang out with some of her socialite friends. According to the guard, who has chosen to remain anonymous in order to protect his job, Hilton said that sometimes drugs were present during those gatherings, and her friends often got “effed up”, making it often “a complete and total waste of my new Versace shoes”. She then stated “I’ll never be behind bars again! I’ll just stay in them and drink”.

“While I have heard her speak a number of times, and I think she’s almost mastered simpler and partial sentences, this was the first time I had heard her actually finish a difficult sentence. I was proud of the poor little thing. I feel like maybe the quiet time and the solid food of prison life is helping to clear her head. It’s giving her a chance to think a little. And a little is a good start.” The guard said he felt she was doing well all in all, in spite of a few difficulties, such as having trouble understanding the words “No, you can’t have a cell phone.” Or the words “No, we don’t have Prada uniforms.” “Really, it seems like just about anything starting with the word “no” confuses her a bit. Every time she hears it, she gets this cute, confused look on her face and kind of tilts her head a little, kind of like a puppy when you call it by a name it’s never heard before. But you know, we love her, and we think it’s good for her to be here, so we’re gonna tell the judge we think she should stay longer, till she’s really rehabilitated.” The guard added “You know I think this place is really transforming her life already. She said she was going to join all the major religions, you know, just to kind of make sure she gets in good with the right God. She said that after living without her facials all these days, another hell would be ‘like so not hot’”.

 

Page Topic: Paris Hilton Jail jokes and humor: Paris Finishes Difficult Sentence