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Paris Hilton jokes, quotes, and other humor.

Paris Hilton Finishes Difficult Sentence. Says She’ll Never Be Behind Bars Again

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June 21, 2007. InnocentEnglish.com News Wire

Paris Hilton finished a difficult sentence yesterday, which is unusual for the heiress who often forgets what she is saying in the middle of them. She was speaking to another inmate at the prison, when she was overheard by a guard talking about how she used to go to bars, and then go out the back door and hang out with some of her socialite friends. According to the guard, who has chosen to remain anonymous in order to protect his job, Hilton said that sometimes drugs were present during those gatherings, and her friends often got “effed up”, making it often “a complete and total waste of my new Versace shoes”. She then stated “I’ll never be behind bars again! I’ll just stay in them and drink”.

“While I have heard her speak a number of times, and I think she’s almost mastered simpler and partial sentences, this was the first time I had heard her actually finish a difficult sentence. I was proud of the poor little thing. I feel like maybe the quiet time and the solid food of prison life is helping to clear her head. It’s giving her a chance to think a little. And a little is a good start.” The guard said he felt she was doing well all in all, in spite of a few difficulties, such as having trouble understanding the words “No, you can’t have a cell phone.” Or the words “No, we don’t have Prada uniforms.” “Really, it seems like just about anything starting with the word “no” confuses her a bit. Every time she hears it, she gets this cute, confused look on her face and kind of tilts her head a little, kind of like a puppy when you call it by a name it’s never heard before. But you know, we love her, and we think it’s good for her to be here, so we’re gonna tell the judge we think she should stay longer, till she’s really rehabilitated.” The guard added “You know I think this place is really transforming her life already. She said she was going to join all the major religions, you know, just to kind of make sure she gets in good with the right God. She said that after living without her facials all these days, another hell would be ‘like so not hot’”.

 

Page Topic: Paris Hilton Jail jokes and humor: Paris Finishes Difficult Sentence

Paris Hilton Police Cruiser Transcripts:

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These are verbatim transcripts of pull overs of Paris Hilton, transcribed from Police Cruiser Forward Microphone recordings. The transcripts were released under the Freedom of Information Act, from Los Angeles County court records.

Paris Hilton Police Transcript 1: March 3, 2007

Officer: Good evening.

Paris: Well it isn’t NOW!

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Paris: Hey, aren’t you that cop that gave me those verbal warnings last week? Looks like you’ve had a few donuts since then though.

Officer: Um, I don’t think I’ve stopped you before ma’am.

Paris: Well, I’m sure you would remember. I’m ME!

Officer: Also, frankly ma’am, I don’t really appreciate the donut jokes. Police officers sometimes spend time at 24 hour restaurants, including donut shops, during the night shift because they are centralized locations where we can mobilize quickly.

Paris: Sorry, but I kinda tuned out after “I”. So what’s the problem officer? I mean, besides your hair. Not hot.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Paris: Autograph? How sweet!

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Paris: Now how am I supposed to see the thermometer when my sweet widdle puppy is sitting on my sweet widdle lap?

Officer: Miss Hilton, you were going 25 miles over the speed limit.

Paris: Really? You know, this is all partly my fault, really. I forgot to plug in my radar detector again.

Officer: What’s your hurry tonight?

Paris: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.

Officer: There’s no one else on the road.

Paris: Yeah, that’s how far behind I was! And now I’ll have to try even HARDER to catch up

Officer: I’m gonna have to give you a ticket.

Paris: You’re very handsome for someone as big as you are.

Officer: I’m still gonna have to give you a ticket.

Paris: There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?

Officer: No ma’am.

Paris: Then hurry, donut ass. You are like SO wasting my life.

Paris Hilton Police Transcript 2: March 8, 2007

Officer: Miss Hilton, this is a 65 MPH highway. Why are you going so slowly?

Paris: 65? All the signs I saw said 22.

Officer: That’s not the speed limit, ma’am. that’s the name of the highway you’re on.

Paris: Oh! Silly sexy me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful from now on.

Officer: Excuse me, but is that Britney Spears? And is that Lindsay Lohan?

Paris: Yes, we’re just taking a trip in one of my new SUVs. We haven’t really been drinking that much or anything.

Officer: You girls alright? You look pretty shaken up.

Paris: Oh, well that’s probably because we just got off that mountain road, Highway 129.

Paris Hilton Police Transcript 3: March 12, 2007

Officer: Miss Hilton, this is the third time you’ve had a traffic violation in 1 week!

Paris: Well, why did you stop me this time?

Officer: I didn’t ma’am, the tree did. It’s nice you wanted to take your dog into the park, but usually walking works better for everyone. Have you been drinking?

Paris, Sure lot’s of times. Haven’t you?

Officer: Have you been drinking TONIGHT?

Paris: Um, if you arrest me, can I take the fifth?

Officer: So you are using the right to remain silent?

Paris: No, I mean the fifth of vodka there in the back. I was just minding my own business, looking for it, when that stupid tree hit me.

Officer: Can I see your license?

Paris: Not unless you have xray vision, silly!. It’s in my purse.

Officer: Can you get it for me please?

Paris: Sure. Can you hold my beer a sec, Sweetie?

Officer: I’m afraid I’m going to have to take your license.

Paris: Oh that’s ok. I had a few extras made just in case. Your cute!

Officer: Can you get out of the car ma’am?

Paris: I have no idea.

Officer: Can you try please?

Paris: Sure. But I’m just gonna sleep for a while first, ‘kay? Are you gonna hand me the vodka or not?

Officer: Please stay in your car ma’am. I’m going to request some back up and a tow.

Paris: That’s so weird. Why the hell do you need another toe?

Paris Hilton Police Transcript 4: March 13, 2007

Officer: Hello there, ma’am. Could I see your license please?

Paris: Jesus! I wish you cops would get it together! You just took away my license yesterday, and now you expect me to show it to you? WTF! Not hot!

Paris Hilton Police Cruiser Transcripts (C) 2007, InnocentEnglish.com

Paris Hilton Jokes: Funny Jokes about Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Britney Spears

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Paris Hilton Joke #1: The Banana Company

Q. Why were Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie fired from their “Simple Life” job at a banana company?

A. They threw out all of the bent ones.

Paris Hilton Joke #2: Paris walked into a library…

Paris walked into a library because she wanted to experience something new. She walks up to the counter and says “Can I have a burger and fries?” The librarian says, “I’m sorry, this is a library.” So Paris whispers, “Can I have a burger and fries?”

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are driving down the highway in a convertible. Lindsay knows that she’s speeding so she asks Paris if there’s a cop behind them. The Paris looks behind her and sees a cop and says “Oh shit. There is a cop behind us.” Lindsay says “That sucks. Are his lights on?” Paris says “Yes…No…Yes…No…Yes…No”

Paris Hilton Joke #3: Keys Locked in the Car

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were shopping when Paris suddenly realized she locked her keys in the car. So they went back and Paris got out her tweezers to try to pick the lock. She tried for a couple of minutes and then Nicole gave it a try. “Hurry!” Paris said. “It’s starting to rain. And the top is down!”
Paris Hilton Joke #4: The Magic Mirror

Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan find a magic mirror. the mirror tells them that if they say something good that they think about themselves, they get their hearts desire. however, if it’s a lie, they get sucked into the mirror for ever. Britney steps up and says “I think I’m the smartest girl in the world” and she gets sucked in. Lindsay says “I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world” and she gets sucked in. Paris says “I think…” and gets sucked in.

Paris Hilton Joke #5: The Flight

A recorded customer service call at Private Jet Services Inc., of a brief conversation with Paris Hilton was making the rounds internally until management deleted it. According to internal sources, Paris called the PJS service center and said “This is Paris Hilton. Can you tell me how long it will take to fly from Los Angeles to Las Vegas?” The agent replied, “Just a minute Miss Hilton.” To which Paris replied “Wow that’s great! Thank you.” and hung up.

 

 

Page Topic: Paris Hilton Jokes

 

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