These funny limericks were written by Â and sent in by Albert Van Hoogmoed.Â Thanks Albert for sending them in. If anyone else would like to send in some original limericks, please feel free.
“Skinny No More”
There once was a fellow named Sarge
who married a psychic named Marge.
The weight soon appeared,
and just as he feared,
his medium became extra-large.
“A Clown on Viagra”
A clown went to Doctor McDougal
with pain in his whatcha-ma-doodle.
With turns of his wrists
and a couple of twists
heâ€™d made it look just like a poodle.
Old Buddy the dog was a male,
made friends with a wag of his tail.
He sniffed someoneâ€™s crotch
on the Presidentâ€™s watch.
He sniffed but he didnâ€™t inhale.
“The Hula Dancer”
She danced by the light of the fire,
the object of lust and desire.
A skirt made of grass
had covered her ass
â€˜til somebody set it on fire.
“Bonfire at the Nudist Camp”
Last weekend they built a big fire.
The flames shot up higher and higher.
Buns were toasted
and wieners were roasted
when folks got too close to the fire.
“At the Retirement Home”
The guys now adore Sadie Fetters.
They send lots of flowers and letters.
It seems theyâ€™re in awe
since her doggie bra
made pointers out of her setters.
“Learning Magic in Prison”
A serial killer named Graff
was learning some tricks from the staff.
He learned really quick.
His first magic trick
was sawing a woman in half.
“Titanic Survivorsâ€™ Day”
The day starts with prayers in the chapel.
Some people with nightmares still grapple.
Some go for a hike
or tournaments like
ice fishing and bobbing for apples.
“VA Hospital Picnic”
Each year they invite lots of people,
enjoying events by the steeple.
They have lots of fun,
their favorite one,
a 3-legged race with 3 people.
“Impressing the Ladies”
There was a teenager named Lance
who put a big squash in his pants.
It did him no good.
He learned that it should
be placed in the front of his pants.
The funny limericks on this page are by Albert Van Hoogmoed. So are the other ones.Â ;)
Here are some funny Valentineâ€™s Day poems and sweet Valentineâ€™s poems.
(Poems By InnocentEnglish.com)
Just for tonight?Â
Weâ€™ve been friends for quite a while,
And so far thatâ€™s all weâ€™ve been
But weâ€™re both free and it seems to me,
It might be worth a spin.
So if youâ€™re game, just say my name,
And letâ€™s see how things go
And if youâ€™d rather not, I took a shot
But our friendship still can grow.
My love for you just keeps on growing
Itâ€™s hard to think of new ways of showing
It seems like itâ€™s all been done before.
So on this day of Valentines
Instead of flowers and instead of wine,
How about a trip to the loveÂ toy store?
Roses Are Red
Roses are Red
Violets are blue
So why the hell arenâ€™t they called Blues?
Thatâ€™s really stupid.
Itâ€™s false advertising.
And I cannot support it.
So it just doesnt feel right to buy flowers for you
For Valentine’s Day.
But in an attempt to only support
Things that really are the color they are named after,
Here is a Valentineâ€™s orange!
Of All the Women I know
On this Valentineâ€™s Day
I wanted to finally tell you,
And I’m sorry it took so long.
Out of all the women I know,
You are most definitely,
And I completely mean this,
You are most definitely,
Without a doubt,
And I have known a LOT of women
In many many many ways
Pretty much EVERY WAY
A man could possibly know a woman
And of ALL those many women I have known
In so so so many ways
Some in more ways than others, of course
And some I’ve hardly known at all
And there are of course a lot of women
I don’t yet know
And some I pray I never meet
But what I wanted to share with you
From my heart,
Hang on- Getting a text message
OK, it was a girl I met at the bar last night
She was a sweet heart
Really cute, great body,
But also really natural and easy to talk with
I don’t think her breasts were natural
But more power to her
But I mean like her personality was like
Really so easy to talk to
Not that we talked much
If you get my meaning
But what I wanted to share with you
On this special Valentine’s Day
is that of all the women I have known,
You are most definitely
One of them.
Happy Valentineâ€™s Day!
On this Special Day
On this special day
I want to confess my love to you.
I should restate that. I mean,
I want to confess my love,
Which isÂ for this girl I met at work,
Â Itâ€™s been a secret far too long.
Doesnâ€™t it feel better,
Having the truth out there?
Last week, when I stopped by early,
It was much worse than my fear.
For my best friendâ€™s car was in the front.
And he was in the rear.
p.s. When she said â€œI canâ€™t wait until you get backâ€
I thought she meant it figuratively.
Here are some really funny redneck jokes:
Ahhh, the haiku. Few poetic styles evoke such stirrings of the soul. Someone sent me these lovely and heart-touching red neck and trailer park haikus. Iâ€™m happy to give proper credit to the talented poet or poets who so beautifully capture the heart of the trailer park. But for now, the creator/s must remain a mystery. And as these poems show, the haiku is a poem which evokes the Mystery of Life. Enjoy, and let your heart be touched! BEAUTYNaked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSEA painful sadness
Can’t fit big screen TV through
Double-wide’s front doorOPTIONS
Hey, maybe I can get on
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne’s been playing with
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce the darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we’ll gig some frogs
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files for
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
You are my cousin
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazard Marathon
At 9 o’clock
In Walmart toy aisle
Wailing boy want’s ‘rassling doll
Mama whups his ass
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
Needs new descrambler
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon pies and Red Man
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
Page Topic: Funny Redneck Jokes