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Tag: love poems

Funny Valentine’s Day Poems and Sweet Valentine’s Poems

Here are some funny Valentine’s Day poems and sweet Valentine’s poems.

(Poems By InnocentEnglish.com)

Just for tonight? 

We’ve been friends for quite a while,
And so far that’s all we’ve been
But we’re both free and it seems to me,
It might be worth a spin.

So if you’re game, just say my name,
And let’s see how things go
And if you’d rather not, I took a shot
But our friendship still can grow.

Something Different?

My love for you just keeps on growing
It’s hard to think of new ways of showing
It seems like it’s all been done before.
So on this day of Valentines
Instead of flowers and instead of wine,
How about a trip to the love toy store?

Roses Are Red

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
So why the hell aren’t they called Blues?
I mean,
That’s really stupid.
It’s false advertising.
And I cannot support it.
So it just doesnt feel right to buy flowers for you
For Valentine’s Day.
But in an attempt to only support
Things that really are the color they are named after,
Here is a Valentine’s orange!

You’re welcome!

Of All the Women I know

On this Valentine’s Day
I wanted to finally tell you,

And I’m sorry it took so long.
Out of all the women I know,
You are most definitely,
And I completely mean this,
You are most definitely,
Without a doubt,
And I have known a LOT of women
In many many many ways
Pretty much EVERY WAY
A man could possibly know a woman
And of ALL those many women I have known
In so so so many ways
Some in more ways than others, of course
And some I’ve hardly known at all
And there are of course a lot of women
I don’t yet know
And some I pray I never meet
But what I wanted to share with you
From my heart,
Hang on- Getting a text message
OK, it was a girl I met at the bar last night
She was a sweet heart
Really cute, great body,
But also really natural and easy to talk with
I don’t think her breasts were natural
But more power to her
But I mean like her personality was like
Really so easy to talk to
Not that we talked much
If you get my meaning
But what I wanted to share with you
On this special Valentine’s Day
is that of all the women I have known,
You are most definitely
One of them.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

On this Special Day

On this special day
I want to confess my love to you.
I should restate that.
I mean,
I want to confess my love,
Which is for this girl I met at work,
to you.
 It’s been a secret far too long.
Doesn’t it feel better,
Having the truth out there?

The Surprise

Last week, when I stopped by early,
It was much worse than my fear.
For my best friend’s car was in the front.
And he was in the rear.

p.s. When she said “I can’t wait until you get back”
I thought she meant it figuratively.

Funny Romance and Valentines Jokes, Quotes and Poems

Two Funny and Romantic Love Poems:

The Flushing Bride
By Emily Walden Emerson

He a desk clerk, her a maid
Of a huge hotel where tourists stayed
He only saw her now and then
But he knew how their tale should end

He tried and tried to find a time
He could ask her “Please be mine”,
When he could be on bended knee
And speak the most poetic plea
From such a classical position
Could she resist his proposition?

But she was busy, he was shy
And fast the time went by and by
Until she caught another’s eye
And he thought the second man might try

So he knew he must act fast
He’d find her now and ask at last
He searched and searched to no avail
But was determined not to fail

Then he smelled her sweet perfume
Right outside the ladies room
He took some flowers in full bloom
And went in after, to be her groom

Well she was shocked (how would you feel
To see a man approach, then kneel
While you were emptying your bladder
It would be quite an awkward matter)

“Please don’t think it too upsurd
If I could have a little word
I know my timing’s rather bad
But to lose this chance would be more sad
If you’re having trouble concentrating
I’ll wait till you’re through urinating”

“Well”, the maid said, full of dread
“If you must speak then go ahead”
So he bravely took her hand
Took a deep breath and then began

“For so long, I’ve dreamed of this
To propose and then to kiss
I know that you don’t know me well
Ask anything and I will tell
Yes there’s still so much to learn
We’ll have surprises every turn
But as I see you there, upon the throne
The sweetest frown, ever I’ve known
I’ve seen your best and smelled your worst
And still my heart it longs to burst

So take this ring it is a symbol”
She said “It looks just like a thimble.”
He said “Sorry, I had to hurry
The other man, he made me worry.”
“The other man? What nonsense utter,
That man you mean, he is my brother.”

“Your brother? That’s such a relief
But I found courage in my false belief
So here we are, and here’s the ring
Or the closest thing that I could bring
So please say yes, once and for all
Right here and now inside this stall”

Somehow, just then, the ring fell in
“Shall I reach in, or is that a sin?”
“I think it better that you not
It really wasn’t worth a lot”
Then she added, with a blush
“And I haven’t yet a chance to flush”

As you wish, but I’ve no issue
To touch your urine or your tissue
I swear I’d swim in a sea of pee
If that would make you marry me
My Lady, let your heart decide,
Would you consent to be my bride?”

“I can’t resist. That’s so romantic!
And I see that yours is quite gigantic!
I’m speaking of, of course, your heart
For it’s the most important part

So I say yes, I’ll be your bride
You’ve won me with how hard you’ve tried”
They shared a kiss, he smiled wide
For a touch of tongue she had applied

“Please carry me out, if it sounds not dumb
(It’s not for romance, my legs are numb)
One last thing, please don’t place blame
If I might ask, per chance, your name?”

And that’s the story of how they began
The Flushing Bride, and her brave, brave man
And how that day he did trap her
Then and there upon the crapper
(Yes, they lived happy, ever after)

– InnocentEnglish.com

The Broken Vow
By William Emerson Wadsword:

We swore together we would stay
For forever and a day
Our bond so strong, nothing could break it
I never thought she would forsake it

Until the cursed walk I took
that fateful night when she forsook
The deepest vow we ever made
To replace the roll when it did fade

So cautiously, with pants down low
Into the kitchen I did go
Too late I realized, also there,
Was her women’s meeting, deep in prayer
The very moment I came in
Was when I heard her say “Amen”

Never had so many eyes
Stared so square between my thighs
I quickly moved my hands to hide it
But not before they’d time to size it

“Please don’t let me interfere
I just have need to clean my rear
What misfortune, for I fear
There’s nothing I can use in here
Might there be a volunteer
To spare their scarf without a tear?”

To my cause they weren’t too loyal
Though one did throw a wad of foil
I turned to go then turned back quickly
For fear my rear would make them sickly
Backwards I shuffled to the door
Then stopped to proclaim one thing more

“I’m certain I don’t need to mention
but I’d like to call to your attention
Though surely you did all surmise
That cold and stress can hide one’s size

I beg you kindly to remember
A fire starts with just an ember
This cold, cold day in dark December
Would have belittled any member”

Relieved to voice my clear disclaimer
(For if one misjudged me, who could blame her)
I retired to the toilet chamber
To take care of the remainder

My soul’s not one to much complain
But that foil of tin did bring me pain
That vow she broke, how it did stain us
Such a wrath she wrought upon my anus
But much worse still, or I’d have lied
Was the wrath she wrought upon my pride

As for us, of course we’re finished
And my life now so diminished
The endless rumors, the muffled laughter
The whispered glances ever after

The whims of fate, they are so cruel
For when she broke our Greatest Rule
I was left forever a broken fool
By a simple quest to wipe my stool

Husbands Take Heed
By Mary Elizabeth Wadsword

Only a wife could understand it
How I could have ever planned it
For they’ve sat down in the dark of night
And found the toilet seat upright
After near five hundred times
The mind gets thoughts of passion crimes

So hard and carefully I plotted
The sweet revenge that thus resulted
In the end of needless seats left up
And the rich rewards of our prenup

First I paid such careful heed
To when he did his daily deed
Then I changed my weekly women’s meeting
And urged a quiet, prayerful greeting

I had taken thorough care
To take and hide all but one square
And that night I led a silent prayer
Until I heard his approaching footsteps there

All the rest, well that was easy
In he waddled, exposed and sleazy
I finished up and then all eyes
Got such a big (or small) surprise
That was the bonus (how I giggled)
By chance his lance was extra shriveled
My eyes alone saw his shocked face
(Theirs fixed upon his other place)

It went even better than I wanted
Now I’m rich and he is haunted
So men take heed, the moral’s simple
Your wife, her body is a temple
This cannot be too overstated:
THINK after you’ve urinated!

Heed these words so often sworned
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

Page Topic: funny poems

Poems on this page, as embarrassing as it is to admit, (C) 2004 InnocentEnglish.com

Love & Wedding Poems


A Love Poem of the Transcendalist Mystic Emerson: The Flushing Bride

This poem was recently found hidden in the back cover of a small locked diary which was inside a locked jewelry box hidden in the frame of an old sofa found inside a locked closet found in a recently discovered secret hallway of the closed wing of the Emerson Mansion in the walled-off estate of Emily Walden Emerson. Believing she would have wanted to share it with the world, her great grandchildren recently sold it on ebay for $80,000.

More mature than her earlier works, which were largely clumsy attempts at erotic poems while avoiding using any letter more than once in each sentence, it is believed this poem was written in her later years, and that it was based on a true story. A Bollywood producer in India recently bought the story rights and is in the process of making a full scale musical of the poem.

The Flushing Bride
By Emily Walden Emerson

He a desk clerk, her a maid
Of a huge hotel where tourists stayed
He only saw her now and then
But he knew how their tale should end

He tried and tried to find a time
He could ask her “Please be mine”,
When he could be on bended knee
And speak the most poetic plea
From such a classical position
Could she resist his proposition?

But she was busy, he was shy
And fast the time went by and by
Until she caught another’s eye
And he thought the second man might try

So he knew he must act fast
He’d find her now and ask at last
He searched and searched to no avail
But was determined not to fail

Then he smelled her sweet perfume
Right outside the ladies room
He took some flowers in full bloom
And went in after, to be her groom

Well she was shocked (how would you feel
To see a man approach, then kneel
While you were emptying your bladder
It would be quite an awkward matter)

“Please don’t think it too upsurd
If I could have a little word
I know my timing’s rather bad
But to lose this chance would be more sad
If you’re having trouble concentrating
I’ll wait till you’re through urinating”

“Well”, the maid said, full of dread
“If you must speak then go ahead”
So he bravely took her hand
Took a deep breath and then began

“For so long, I’ve dreamed of this
To propose and then to kiss
I know that you don’t know me well
Ask anything and I will tell
Yes there’s still so much to learn
We’ll have surprises every turn
But as I see you there, upon the throne
The sweetest frown, ever I’ve known
I’ve seen your best and smelled your worst
And still my heart it longs to burst

So take this ring it is a symbol”
She said “It looks just like a thimble.”
He said “Sorry, I had to hurry
The other man, he made me worry.”
“The other man? What nonsense utter,
That man you mean, he is my brother.”

“Your brother? That’s such a relief
But I found courage in my false belief
So here we are, and here’s the ring
Or the closest thing that I could bring
So please say yes, once and for all
Right here and now inside this stall”

Somehow, just then, the ring fell in
“Shall I reach in, or is that a sin?”
“I think it better that you not
It really wasn’t worth a lot”
Then she added, with a blush
“And I haven’t yet a chance to flush”

As you wish, but I’ve no issue
To touch your urine or your tissue
I swear I’d swim in a sea of pee
If that would make you marry me
My Lady, let your heart decide,
Would you consent to be my bride?”

“I can’t resist. That’s so romantic!
And I see that yours is quite gigantic!
I’m speaking of, of course, your heart
For it’s the most important part

So I say yes, I’ll be your bride
You’ve won me with how hard you’ve tried”
They shared a kiss, he smiled wide
For a touch of tongue she had applied

“Please carry me out, if it sounds not dumb
(It’s not for romance, my legs are numb)
One last thing, please don’t place blame
If I might ask, per chance, your name?”

And that’s the story of how they began
The Flushing Bride, and her brave, brave man
And how that day he did trap her
Then and there upon the crapper
(Yes, they lived happy, ever after)

 

 

Page Topic: Love & Wedding Poems

The Flushing Bride (C) 2004, InnocentEnglish.com