InnocentEnglish.com

Tag: funny limericks

More Funny Limericks- Sent in by you.

These funny limericks were written by  and sent in by Albert Van Hoogmoed.  Thanks Albert for sending them in. If anyone else would like to send in some original limericks, please feel free.

“Skinny No More”
There once was a fellow named Sarge
who married a psychic named Marge.
The weight soon appeared,
and just as he feared,
his medium became extra-large.

“A Clown on Viagra”
A clown went to Doctor McDougal
with pain in his whatcha-ma-doodle.
With turns of his wrists
and a couple of twists
he’d made it look just like a poodle.

“Clinton’s Dog”
Old Buddy the dog was a male,
made friends with a wag of his tail.
He sniffed someone’s crotch
on the President’s watch.
He sniffed but he didn’t inhale.

“The Hula Dancer”
She danced by the light of the fire,
the object of lust and desire.
A skirt made of grass
had covered her ass
‘til somebody set it on fire.

“Bonfire at the Nudist Camp”
Last weekend they built a big fire.
The flames shot up higher and higher.
Buns were toasted
and wieners were roasted
when folks got too close to the fire.

“At the Retirement Home”
The guys now adore Sadie Fetters.
They send lots of flowers and letters.
It seems they’re in awe
since her doggie bra
made pointers out of her setters.

“Learning Magic in Prison”
A serial killer named Graff
was learning some tricks from the staff.
He learned really quick.
His first magic trick
was sawing a woman in half.

“Titanic Survivors’ Day”
The day starts with prayers in the chapel.
Some people with nightmares still grapple.
Some go for a hike
or tournaments like
ice fishing and bobbing for apples.

“VA Hospital Picnic”
Each year they invite lots of people,
enjoying events by the steeple.
They have lots of fun,
their favorite one,
a 3-legged race with 3 people.

“Impressing the Ladies”
There was a teenager named Lance
who put a big squash in his pants.
It did him no good.
He learned that it should
be placed in the front of his pants.

The funny limericks on this page are by Albert Van Hoogmoed. So are the other ones.  ;)

Slightly Less Clean Limericks

Some of these limericks are suggestive, but they are still much more mild than many limericks out there, particularly the ones about a great many people from Nantucket, who apparently have quite a variety of very interesting social encounters…

 

Here are a some slightly clean limericks

 

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they’re written in Braille.


An old maid phoned the desk and said, “Joe,
What’s the noise from that room down below?”
“Oh, they’re holding,” he sighed,
“An Elk’s Ball just inside.”
“Well then, tell them,” she said, “to let go!”


A team playing baseball in Dallas.
Called the umpire bad names out of malice.
While that worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.


There once was an old man named Cohen,
Who cut off the foot of Tim Bowen.
Now it wasn’t that hard,
For Tim slept in the yard,
And Cohen clipped Bowen while mowin’.


(That limerick was pretty clean
You say with a tone a touch mean
But consider the lawn
That Tim’s foot would lay on
There’d be plenty of red on that green!)
-InnocentEnglish


(Hey, that limerick, it was our first.
It wasn’t the best nor the worst.
It was in the middle
But still it’s a riddle
Why there wasn’t first thirst to rehearse).
-InnocentEnglish


I memorized this when I was 10 and thought it hilarious: So did my friends the first 25 times I told it to them. After that, not so much…


There once was a maid from Magrass
Who had such a very nice ass
Now don’t raise a stink
It’s not what you think
It was brown had long ears and ate grass!

 

 

Page Topic: Slightly Less Clean Limericks

 

 

Top 10 Funniest Fairly Clean Limericks


The last few of these top 10 funniest limericks are suggestive, but they are still much more mild than many limericks out there, particularly the ones about a great many people from Nantucket, who apparently have quite a variety of very interesting social encounters…

 

 

1. Old Reggie McGarr

I heard that old Reggie McGarr
Died peacefully, with his cigar,
Peacefully dreaming,
Not yelling and screaming
Like the folks in the back of his car.

-Albert Van Hoogmoed


2. The Woman Named Bright

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.


3. Emily Skinner

A blonde girl named Emily Skinner
Would not eat a bite of her dinner
She’d been painting her door
And the man at the store
Had told her she had to get thinner
-Graham Lester


4. Arthur Jones

Arthur Jones to his bride-to-be said,
“I can shoot off this pear from your head.”
Then he missed by a hair,
But he still split a pair,
For there’s lead in the miss he misled
-Graham Lester


5. The Flea and the Fly and the Flue

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


6. The Gambler

A gambler in debt far too deep
Was needing a way to live cheap,
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed ‘em and reap.
-Graham Lester


7 Fischer the Fisher

There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.

(Slightly More Risque Limericks)


8 The Maid from Magrass

There once was a maid from Magrass
Who had such a very nice ass
Now don’t raise a stink
It’s not what you think
It was brown had long ears and ate grass!


9. The Noise from the Room Down Below

An old maid phoned the desk and said, “Joe,
What’s the noise from that room down below?”
“Oh, they’re holding,” he sighed,
“An Elk’s Ball just inside.”
“Well then, tell them,” she said, “to let go!”


10. The Barmaid at Yale

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they’re written in Braille.


Funny Poems: Top 10 funniest limericks

 

 

Page Topic: Fairly Clean Limericks