And Funny Clean Limericks:
Here are some funny poems and good, clean limericks. Credit is given when it’s known.
I heard that old Reggie McGarr
Died peacefully, with his cigar,
Peacefully dreaming,Not yelling and screaming
Like the folks in the back of his car.
-Albert Van Hoogmoed
There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds!
There once was a man from Great Britain
Who interrupted two girls knittin’.
Said he with a sigh,
“That park bench, well I
Just painted it right where you’re sittin’.”
There was a young lady from Niger.
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
A pet store employee named Blair
Was missing a small patch of hair.
A tarantula crawled
To the spot that was bald
And nobody noticed it there!
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
She was frightened, it must be allowed,
Soon a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and meowed
“There’s a train at 4:04,” said Miss Jenny
“Four tickets I’ll take; have you any?”
Said the man at the door,
“Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many”
As a beauty, I’m not a great star.
There are others more handsome by far.
But my face, I don’t mind it,
Because I’m behind it.
Tis the folks in the front that I jar.
No zebras did board Noah’s ark
Only horses, two white, and two dark
But for forty black nights
There were no bedroom lights
Which caused zebras galore to disbark!
My girlfriend had put on my sweater,
The one with my big high school letter,
And it then seemed to me,
And I’m sure you’ll agree,
On her it looked quite a bit better.
This is my poor attempt to clean up a crude limerick:
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who lived in a miniature cave
He said I admit I can’t stand or sit
But think of the money I save!
There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.
Page Topic: Funny Poems and Limericks
Here are some funny limericks that reference limericks. Inside joke poems poking fun at the process of writing limericks.
Credit is given when it’s known.
Limericks about Limericks
There was a young poet quite fine,
Whose limericks repeated a line.
Though this was redundant,
Though this was redundant,
His limericks repeated a line.
A newspaper poet for Hearst
Deprived of his reason
By uncontrolled sneezing
Was by phantasmal demons coerced
To write all of his limericks reversed.
A cardiac patient named Fred
Made a limerick up in his head.
But before he had time
To write down the last line
This poem is copyright Â©
By the author, 1983.
Prior written consent
Is required to present
It on radio, film, or TV.
There was a young bard of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When they said it was so,
He replied, “Yes, I know,
But I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two
And presumably by the same author, taking that one step further:
There was a young man from Verdun.
Page Topic: More Funny Limericks
Blond Joke Poems
I can’t resist including these funny poems, by Graham Lester, which are also funny blonde jokes.
A blonde girl named Emily Skinner
Would not eat a bite of her dinner
She’d been painting her door
And the man at the store
Had told her she had to get thinner
Once a sleepy blonde server, Liz Dower
Had a dream she was taking a shower
When she woke she construed
She was totally nude
But by God she’d made tips that half hour!
A blonde-haired young lady from Wales
Applied for a job tracking sales
When they asked, “Can you file?”
She proceeded to smile
And held up ten pretty red nails
Acme’s chief of financial affairs
Hires as many dumb blondes as he dares
Though they can’t do math well
He just thinks that it’s swell
To be working with figures like theirs
Here are a few more good, funny limericks by Graham Lester:
Heâ€™s charming and handsome and slim
But Mary is dumping her Tim:
Heâ€™s unfaithful and brash
And wonâ€™t put out the trash,
Although all the trash put out for him.
I awoke late last night in my bed
With a grandiose scheme in my head
For ascending Mount Everest,
But it wasnâ€™t my cleverest,
So I went to the bathroom instead.
â€œThis looks like two squid on two bikes,â€
Said the surgeon of poor Michael Sykes,
As he held up the tumor
(He just loved stand-up humor
And could never resist open Mikes).
Arthur Jones to his bride-to-be said,
â€œI can shoot off this pear from your head.â€
Then he missed by a hair,
But he still split a pair,
For thereâ€™s lead in the miss he misled
A gambler in debt far too deep
Was needing a way to live cheap,
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed â€˜em and reap.
Page Topic: Funny Blonde Joke Limericks