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Tag: religious jokes

Daily Quick Break: February 21, 2008: Religion

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed.

These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

Do you believe in Cod?

Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.

We must try to control our animal orgies.

What means “you should never stone the first cast”?

Which religion do you use?

Our church has smaller members every week.

To read the rest, go to: Religion

Quick Break Pic of the Day. Caption this Pic!

Christian Jokes and Sermon Jokes

Here are some funny Christian jokes, bible jokes, sermon jokes and Sunday school jokes

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the “uppity”. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, “Did you get a different answer?”
The man replied, “Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don’t want me in that church and the Lord said, ‘Don’t worry about it son; I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and haven’t made it yet.”

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
“I went to get a haircut,” was the reply.
“But,” said the pastor, “Why didn’t you do that before the service?”
“Because,” the gentleman said, “I didn’t need one then.”

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
“Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.”

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”
“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord.
“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready… We can’t take you in and we can’t send you back….”
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ’em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. What d’ya say?”
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
“Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.”

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, “What’s
that?” Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and
home.”

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: “FOOL.” The next Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, “For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”

Page Topic: Christian Jokes, sermon jokes and Sunday school jokes for ministers, preachers, etc.

Jewish Jokes: funny good natured Jewish jokes.

 

 

Funny Jewish jokes:

Here are some of the best good-natured Jewish jokes we could find. (These jokes are not meant to offend. This site has the intention of respecting all people, while also poking a little fun. )

 

 

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”

 

 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful. What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

 

 

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

 

 

A Jewish woman in a small town out west sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any kind of support for her, she claimed.
The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way:
“Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot, sins like Haman, and curses like Balaam.”
“The divorce is granted,” said the judge, “and as for this man’s dangerous associates, if they’re ever brought into this courtroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly.”

 

 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said: “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man waited a moment and then replied:” You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair.”
The rabbi said: “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.”

 

 

Just imagine, what would the world have been like had Walt Disney been raised by a Jewish mother?
Here’s what he might have heard a lot of …
“With the mouse; with the duck; now with dwarfs… Walt, why don’t you become a CPA like your cousin Bernie?”

 

 

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Is ANYTHING all right?”

 

 

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

 

 

Page Topic: Jewish Jokes