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Category: Clean Funny Jokes: Some of the Best Good Clean Jokes

A collection of some of the best clean funny jokes on the web. If you like good clean jokes, you’ll find a bunch here…

Christmas Jokes for Kids: Kids’ Safe Christmas Jokes

Ho Ho Hooooly crap, is it Christmas already!? It is funny how the holidays sneak up on us. All the Christmas gifts, the shopping, the wrapping of presents, we can forget about the little tykes in our lives. Kids deserve jokes too! Below you’ll find a nice long list of clean jokes for kids, each one vetted by our excellent staff. So let’s break out the eggnog and get a good bit of holiday cheer on and have some good clean fun. Remember to turn down the lights and light the candles! Our family and friends are the reason for the season!

Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A pen-guin

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. Its Christmas, Eve.

Q. Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A. Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. What is a snowman’s favorite lunch?
A. An Iceberger!

Q. What do vampires put on their Christmas turkey?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A Snowball!

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
A. Frost bite!

Q. What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A. An Eskimoo.

Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claws!

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. Because he had the drum sticks.

Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.

Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A. I’m going out tonight.

Q. Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
A. He was stuffed!

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.

Q. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A. A snowball!

Q. What’s the best thing to put into Christmas pie?
A. Your teeth!

Q. What do you get when you eat the Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsel-itus.

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What does Santa like to eat?
A. A jolly roll.

Q. How does Santa take pictures?
A. With his North Pole-aroid.

Q. What’s white and goes up?
A. A confused snowflake!

Q. What do you call an old snowman?
A. Water!

Q. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Q. What goes: now you see me, now you don’t; now you see me, now you don’t?
A. A snowman on a zebra crossing!

Q. What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q. What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can ho ho ho!

Q. When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A. In the dictionary!

Q. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas one has no L (noel)!

Q. What do you have in December that’s not in any other month?
A. The letter D!

Q. Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A. Because it’s in Decemberrrr!

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night!

Q. What’s impossible to overtake at Christmas?
A. The three wide men!

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy!

Q. How does a snowman lose weight?
A. He waits for the weather to get warmer!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted flakes!

Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A. Can you smell carrot?

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite!

Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. A snow ball!

Q. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
A. Only one, after that it’s not empty anymore!

Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinselitus!

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep and crisp and even!

Q. What carol is heard in the dessert?
A. Camel ye faithful!

Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells!

Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy claws!

Q. What is Santa’s dog called?
A. Santa Paws!

Q. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A. Santa Jaws!

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
A. Crisp Cringle!

Q. What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A. A merry Christmas to ewe!

Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple!

Q. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A. Neither, candles always burn shorter!

Q. Why are turkeys wiser than chickens?
A. Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?

Q. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
A. He got 12 months!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic!

Q. Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A. They both drop needles!

Q. What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
A. Snow!

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

Page Topic: Christmas Jokes for Kids

Tax Jokes

 

 

Giving away your hard earned dollars isn’t funny, but some of these tax jokes are.

 

 

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can’t we pay Congress not to raise taxes?

 

 

Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.

 

 

Don’t you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?

 

 

The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850
He has to in order to get his taxes paid.

 

 

A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court.
His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count.
Flushed with victory, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, “Justice has triumphed!”
A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, “Appeal at once!”

 

 

Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.

 

 

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.
“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”

 

 

Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two; make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.

 

 

Page Topic: Tax jokes

 

 

Clean Jokes

 

 

Check out some of the funniest clean jokes on the internet.

 

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you thinking about?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

 

 

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”

 

 

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us ducks.”

 

 

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?” “Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied. “I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

 

 

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”

 

 

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Darn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

 

 

Page Topic: Funny Clean Jokes: Funny jokes that are clean and can be enjoyed by the whole family.