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Tag: religious humor

Daily Quick Break: February 21, 2008: Religion

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed.

These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.

Do you believe in Cod?

Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.

We must try to control our animal orgies.

What means “you should never stone the first cast”?

Which religion do you use?

Our church has smaller members every week.

To read the rest, go to: Religion

Quick Break Pic of the Day. Caption this Pic!

Jewish Jokes: funny good natured Jewish jokes.

 

 

Funny Jewish jokes:

Here are some of the best good-natured Jewish jokes we could find. (These jokes are not meant to offend. This site has the intention of respecting all people, while also poking a little fun. )

 

 

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”

 

 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful. What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

 

 

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

 

 

A Jewish woman in a small town out west sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any kind of support for her, she claimed.
The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way:
“Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot, sins like Haman, and curses like Balaam.”
“The divorce is granted,” said the judge, “and as for this man’s dangerous associates, if they’re ever brought into this courtroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly.”

 

 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said: “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man waited a moment and then replied:” You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair.”
The rabbi said: “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.”

 

 

Just imagine, what would the world have been like had Walt Disney been raised by a Jewish mother?
Here’s what he might have heard a lot of …
“With the mouse; with the duck; now with dwarfs… Walt, why don’t you become a CPA like your cousin Bernie?”

 

 

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Is ANYTHING all right?”

 

 

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

 

 

Page Topic: Jewish Jokes

 

 

Funny Church Jokes

 

 

Here are a few really funny church jokes:

 

 

Sarah hadn’t been to church lately, so her minister thought he’d go pay her a visit and see how the 85 year old church matriarch was doing. He knocked on her door and after a time he heard her spirited voice hollerA little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”
“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
“How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said.
“All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
“How do you know what to say?” he asked.
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
“Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” little Johnny replies,
I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I descend into hell!”
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
“Hallelujah! Hell is full!”

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

 

 

Page Topic: Funny Church Jokes