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Tag: stereotype humor

Clean Funny Jokes

 

 

Here are some pretty good clean funny jokes.

 

 

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”

 

 

There were these 2 blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to there Mercedes vehicle. They were locked out so they were trying to get the door open with a close hanger. The 1st blonde said, “You need to try harder. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”

 

 

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
“I have an idea,” said Mike. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”
“What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

 

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian”?
“Very Well,” said the Voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

 

 

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
“We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.”
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, “God Save The Queen,” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, “Viva La France,” and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, “Remember the Alamo,” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

 

 

Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

 

 

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

 

 

Page Topic: Clean Funny Jokes

 

 

Jewish Jokes: funny good natured Jewish jokes.

 

 

Funny Jewish jokes:

Here are some of the best good-natured Jewish jokes we could find. (These jokes are not meant to offend. This site has the intention of respecting all people, while also poking a little fun. )

 

 

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”

 

 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful. What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

 

 

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

 

 

A Jewish woman in a small town out west sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any kind of support for her, she claimed.
The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way:
“Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot, sins like Haman, and curses like Balaam.”
“The divorce is granted,” said the judge, “and as for this man’s dangerous associates, if they’re ever brought into this courtroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly.”

 

 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said: “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man waited a moment and then replied:” You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair.”
The rabbi said: “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.”

 

 

Just imagine, what would the world have been like had Walt Disney been raised by a Jewish mother?
Here’s what he might have heard a lot of …
“With the mouse; with the duck; now with dwarfs… Walt, why don’t you become a CPA like your cousin Bernie?”

 

 

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Is ANYTHING all right?”

 

 

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

 

 

Page Topic: Jewish Jokes