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Tag: Jewish humor

Jewish Jokes: funny good natured Jewish jokes.

 

 

Funny Jewish jokes:

Here are some of the best good-natured Jewish jokes we could find. (These jokes are not meant to offend. This site has the intention of respecting all people, while also poking a little fun. )

 

 

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth filled with food should my son finally call.”

 

 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful. What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

 

 

Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.

 

 

A Jewish woman in a small town out west sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any kind of support for her, she claimed.
The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way:
“Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot, sins like Haman, and curses like Balaam.”
“The divorce is granted,” said the judge, “and as for this man’s dangerous associates, if they’re ever brought into this courtroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly.”

 

 

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said: “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”
The young man waited a moment and then replied:” You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair.”
The rabbi said: “Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.”

 

 

Just imagine, what would the world have been like had Walt Disney been raised by a Jewish mother?
Here’s what he might have heard a lot of …
“With the mouse; with the duck; now with dwarfs… Walt, why don’t you become a CPA like your cousin Bernie?”

 

 

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
Is ANYTHING all right?”

 

 

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

 

 

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