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Tag: Comedian Steven Wright

Wrightisms: The Best Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

Some of Steve Wrights Funny Sayings:

 

 

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’llgive me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I had amnesia once or twice.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. “What are you making?” “A salt lick.”

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Is “tired old cliche” one?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. “You didn’t borrow this.” “I will.”

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

 

 

Page Topic: Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright


Steven Wright is one of a kind. His unique mind has come up with some classic one-liners. Some of them have even become part of pop culture. His dead-pan delivery and ultra-mellow style, mixed with some real mind-bending one-liners- some of which are practically Zen coens- have helped make him one of the most original and appreciated comedians of all time. The words “Comic genius” are thrown around a bit too often, but in the case of Steven Wright- they definitely fit! Here are some of his all time best one-liners.

 

 

These are Steven Wrights funniest jokes:

 

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest and Best Jokes by Steven Wright