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Wrightisms: The Best Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

Some of Steve Wrights Funny Sayings:

 

 

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’llgive me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I had amnesia once or twice.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. “What are you making?” “A salt lick.”

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Is “tired old cliche” one?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. “You didn’t borrow this.” “I will.”

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

 

 

Page Topic: Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

The Best Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

Here are a few more of Steve Wrights funny sayings:

 

 

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So. What did you think?”

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from awoman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”


It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children’s books…not on purpose.

“So, do you live around here often?”

I got up one morning, couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child….eventually.

I mixed this glass of water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,”Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

 

 

Page Topic: Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright