Wrightisms: The Best Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

Some of Steve Wrights Funny Sayings:

 

 

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’llgive me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I had amnesia once or twice.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. “What are you making?” “A salt lick.”

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Is “tired old cliche” one?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. “You didn’t borrow this.” “I will.”

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

 

 

Page Topic: Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright