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Daily Quick Break: January 20, 2008: The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright

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Steven Wright is one of a kind. His unique mind has come up with some classic one-liners. Some of them have even become part of pop culture. His dead-pan delivery and ultra-mellow style, mixed with some real mind-bending one-liners- some of which are practically Zen coens- have helped make him one of the most original and appreciated comedians of all time. The words “Comic genius” are thrown around a bit too often, but in the case of Steven Wright- they definitely fit! Here are some of his all time best one-liners.

These are Steven Wrights funniest jokes:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

To read the rest, go to: The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright

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The Best Funny Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

Here are a few more of Steve Wrights funny sayings:

 

 

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So. What did you think?”

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from awoman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”


It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children’s books…not on purpose.

“So, do you live around here often?”

I got up one morning, couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child….eventually.

I mixed this glass of water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,”Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.

 

 

Page Topic: Sayings by Comedian Steven Wright

 

 

The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright


Steven Wright is one of a kind. His unique mind has come up with some classic one-liners. Some of them have even become part of pop culture. His dead-pan delivery and ultra-mellow style, mixed with some real mind-bending one-liners- some of which are practically Zen coens- have helped make him one of the most original and appreciated comedians of all time. The words “Comic genius” are thrown around a bit too often, but in the case of Steven Wright- they definitely fit! Here are some of his all time best one-liners.

 

 

These are Steven Wrights funniest jokes:

 

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

 

 

Page Topic: Funniest and Best Jokes by Steven Wright