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The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright

Steven Wright is one of a kind. His unique mind has come up with some classic one-liners. Some of them have even become part of pop culture. His dead-pan delivery and ultra-mellow style, mixed with some real mind-bending one-liners- some of which are practically Zen coens- have helped make him one of the most original and appreciated comedians of all time. The words “Comic genius” are thrown around a bit too often, but in the case of Steven Wright- they definitely fit! Here are some of his all time best one-liners.

These are Steven Wrights funniest jokes:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

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13 Responses to “The Funniest and Best Jokes by Comedian Steven Wright””

  1. taz Says:
    August 11th, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    ha ha, loved those

  2. Steve Ranown Says:
    December 14th, 2008 at 9:06 pm

    If you’re dyslexic and cross-eyed, can you read perfectly fine?

  3. OMG Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    hahaha lol these are good

  4. Blues Says:
    June 2nd, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    Do dyslexic satanists worship Luficer?

  5. brianlion Says:
    June 21st, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    hey blues;
    if he is a dyslexic satanist, he would worship God, dumbass

  6. brianlion that is either genius Says:
    September 26th, 2009 at 8:25 am

    brianlion that comment is either genius or stultifyingly ignorant

  7. sudhakarkuruvada Says:
    December 27th, 2009 at 4:37 am

    All the jokes are extremely good,especialy ‘on the other hand we have different fingers’.

  8. Anonymous Says:
    March 3rd, 2010 at 7:51 am

    do dyslexic satanists worship santa??

  9. mickeyla Says:
    March 3rd, 2010 at 7:52 am

    do dyslexic satanists worship santa?

  10. ER Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    Would’nt dyslexic Chistians worship dogs?

  11. mat Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 6:59 am

    It’s a small world…but I wouldn’t want to paint it. ( Mr Wright )

  12. SAm Says:
    May 5th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    I went to the convinience store the other day, it was on the top of a steep road, I thouhgt, huh, how in convinient. Well that’s one I made up.

  13. that fabulousref Says:
    June 28th, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    ..did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac ..?
    ..he stayed-up all night , wondering if there was a dog..

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