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Funny Sayings

Funny sayings:Sstupid and witty quotes  and Funny Sayings from bumper stickers, T-shirts, graffiti etc.

Funny Sayings:
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.

I have the body of a god… Buddha!

Funny Sayings Part 2

I get enough exercise pushing my luck.

Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy

If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Born free… taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Funny Sayings Part 3

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

If, a two letter word for futility

I don’t care, I don’t have to.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for finger.

All men are idiots … I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.

Give pizza chants.

Page Topic: Funny Sayings: a collection of some of the best funny sayings and quotes.



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214 Responses to “Funny Sayings””

  1. Pimp**** Says:
    January 9th, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    Beauty is a light switch away……………..

  2. Megan Says:
    January 27th, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your enemy’s eyes.

  3. Megan Says:
    January 27th, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die…

  4. Megan Says:
    January 27th, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    For Sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

  5. Megan Says:
    January 27th, 2008 at 2:18 pm

    Evening news is where they start by saying “Good Evening” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.

  6. Megan Says:
    January 27th, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Always take money from a Pessimist…They never expect it back…

  7. hayley Says:
    January 28th, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

  8. hehe Says:
    January 31st, 2008 at 12:46 am

    there are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who cant

  9. French Says:
    January 31st, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    If its not broken fix it till it is

  10. tuffy Says:
    February 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 am

    those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them

  11. rachel kathryn Says:
    February 4th, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    when life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone eles who life handed them vodka and have a party

  12. teehee Says:
    February 7th, 2008 at 9:37 pm

    if barbie is soo popular then y do we buy her friends and boyfriends?

  13. Anonymous Says:
    February 12th, 2008 at 8:08 am

    my kid is the kid who sold your kid the answers to making the honor role.

  14. Limahong Says:
    February 26th, 2008 at 10:36 am

    “GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”

  15. funny Says:
    March 8th, 2008 at 6:55 am

    boys are like diapers…. hard to change and full of sh**!!!

  16. funny Says:
    March 8th, 2008 at 6:58 am

    a friend is a person that noes u vey well….. and likes u anyways

  17. s.l. bares Says:
    March 29th, 2008 at 9:16 am

    moo hoo ha. the only one that made me laugh was “You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.”

  18. kim Says:
    April 16th, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    wzzzzzzzzzz up my bffs kathy hamilton and brianna ferguson will love these sayings.I rock!!!

  19. kim Says:
    April 16th, 2008 at 6:12 pm

    i was so shocked when i was born i didn’t talk for a whole year and a half!!!LOL!!!

  20. kim Says:
    April 16th, 2008 at 6:13 pm

    Money isn’t one thing it’s everything!!!Marry a man with money!!!

  21. Manda Says:
    April 20th, 2008 at 12:19 pm

    Always forgive your enemies, it annoys them.

  22. Thadius O'Rourke Says:
    April 21st, 2008 at 5:25 pm

    Some people are that low they can parachute from a snake’s bum and still have time to free fall.

  23. Karen Says:
    April 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 am

    When life hands you lemons…freeze ‘em, then throw ‘em at the suckers who are pissing you off.

  24. Johnathan Says:
    April 28th, 2008 at 8:18 pm

    Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

  25. banksy Says:
    April 29th, 2008 at 8:40 am

    why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections.

  26. sQuish Says:
    May 2nd, 2008 at 3:29 am

    I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

  27. Mel Says:
    May 5th, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. and, An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

  28. Michael Says:
    May 6th, 2008 at 2:23 am

    “Never take Life Seriously, Nobody gets out alive anyway.” ^^

  29. Rachel Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 7:08 am

    If practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect why practice?

  30. shizune Says:
    May 8th, 2008 at 6:16 pm

    you’re unique just like everyone else!

  31. zoe Says:
    May 22nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm

    it a cow laughs hard enough does milk come out it’s nose?

  32. mason Says:
    May 26th, 2008 at 8:57 am

    A man was standing along side of the road with a sign that says will work for food: so I handed him a coconut

  33. NICO Says:
    May 26th, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    work is for people who dont know how to fish

  34. liz Says:
    June 1st, 2008 at 7:45 am

    when life gives you lemons…. who the hells life and why is he giving you lemons?

  35. Skeet Says:
    June 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 pm

    Those who throw dirt only lose ground…. =/

  36. Jacob P Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    If its not one thing, its your mother

  37. Iceheart Says:
    June 12th, 2008 at 1:40 am

    If it doesn’t fit, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

  38. crystal Says:
    July 1st, 2008 at 7:29 am

    what if the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?

  39. T-ripp Says:
    July 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.

  40. T-ripp Says:
    July 1st, 2008 at 12:07 pm

    It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

  41. sara Says:
    July 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm


  42. Anonymous Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 6:34 am

    every thing is funny as long as its happening to some one else

  43. $$$kendo$$$ Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 8:26 am

    i love work i sit on my ass lookin at it all day

  44. beebaby Says:
    August 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm

    money talks but all it ever says to me is good bye

  45. Madisynn Says:
    August 26th, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    The evening news is where they begin with “good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

  46. summer Says:
    August 28th, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    funny lol

  47. Becca Says:
    September 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    Im on a 30 day diet, so far ive lost 12 days!!!!

  48. zeke Says:
    September 7th, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    What are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants his butt back??

    Talk to the hand (but quite frankly, it doesn’t give a crap either)

  49. Craggsy Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother

  50. Craggsy Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    All generalisations are false… including this one

  51. Craggsy Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up any of your floppy disks?

  52. Craggsy Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

  53. Craggsy Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

  54. Craggsy Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    How many of you believe in telekenesis? Raise my hand.

  55. Brigette Says:
    September 10th, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    They say people are all shapes and sizes, well round is a shape too.

  56. Brigette Says:
    September 10th, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    Remember your unique, just like everybody else.

  57. PeanutbutterPaul Says:
    September 12th, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    I’ll Have The chicken Breast Hold The Chicken

  58. hehehahaidkwhoiis Says:
    September 15th, 2008 at 9:57 pm


  59. nonno Says:
    September 16th, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    life is like a monkey it’s cute and cudley on a good day but throws s**t in your face on a bad day

  60. nonno Says:
    September 16th, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    love is like jalepenos good at the start but a pain in the a$$ in the end

  61. albbb;] Says:
    September 21st, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    if you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend:)

    drama. they say they hate it. but its funny because they create it.

    i could rock your world, if youd turn up the amp:D

  62. pete Says:
    September 25th, 2008 at 1:26 am

    Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest

  63. Rylan Says:
    September 29th, 2008 at 5:19 pm

    hey occifer i swear to drunk im not as god as you think i am

  64. hondas2k Says:
    October 1st, 2008 at 9:51 am

    did you know 5 out of 4 of high school students don’t know their. Fractions

  65. hondas2k Says:
    October 1st, 2008 at 10:28 am

    how can you expect the unexpected if the unexpected is expected to be unexpected?!?! What??! LOL

  66. stephii Says:
    October 5th, 2008 at 2:04 am

    there is one special child in the world…. and every mother has one

  67. Dan Says:
    October 7th, 2008 at 4:30 am

    Don’t be shy… Your mum wasn’t

  68. Lee Says:
    October 7th, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not all that bright. (sorry guys!)>.<

  69. - Samztaa. Says:
    October 8th, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    the left lane is the right lane and the right lane is the wrong lane.. WHAT?

  70. Said Gisho Says:
    October 10th, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    I want to post my own funny saying “An archeologyst is the best huseband a women can have,the older she gats the most interested he is in her.

  71. JKG Says:
    October 13th, 2008 at 12:10 am

    this sentence is a lie.

  72. Jesse Says:
    October 22nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    Don’t run your fingers over my truck, and I won’t run my truck over your fingers!

  73. Emily Says:
    October 22nd, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    HaHa! Last time I heard that joke I fell off my dinosaur!!

  74. Emily Says:
    October 22nd, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    I’m not smiling at you. I’m just trying not to laugh!

  75. Emily Says:
    October 22nd, 2008 at 8:58 pm

    Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!

  76. FROGGY Says:
    October 23rd, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely!!!

  77. skye Says:
    October 25th, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    Friendship Is Like Peeing In Your Pants…Everyone Can See It, But Only You Feel It!

  78. b bubs! Go DuBois! Says:
    October 30th, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    when life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it

  79. joe Says:
    October 30th, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    Constipated people don’t give a crap

  80. Missy Says:
    October 30th, 2008 at 9:52 pm

    No you don’t get. You think you get it but you don’t. That’s why I want you to get it. Get it?

  81. jonny mckeown Says:
    October 31st, 2008 at 7:48 am

    if at first you dont succeed then skydiving isnt for you

  82. shah Says:
    October 31st, 2008 at 7:01 pm

    My train of thought has been delayed

  83. sam Says:
    November 2nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    it’s only funny till someone gets hurt…..then its histarlical

  84. brandy999 Says:
    November 4th, 2008 at 6:55 pm


  85. brandy999 Says:
    November 4th, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    if you are ugly and you entered an ugly contest, they would kick you out and say sorry no professionals

  86. wolf_girl Says:
    November 5th, 2008 at 1:59 pm

    a good friend will help you with your homework a best friend will do it for you and get the answers RONG on purpose LOL

  87. Misti Says:
    November 6th, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    inside of me there is a thin woman trying to get out, i usually shut the cow up with some chocolate!

  88. kshowa Says:
    November 15th, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    if it were not 4 tomas edison, we all would b watchin tv in the dark!!True frnds dont let you drive naked!

  89. mk Says:
    November 16th, 2008 at 8:16 am

    roses r red violets r blue, god made me pretty. Wat happened to u?

  90. Kat Says:
    November 18th, 2008 at 1:33 pm

    The only one that made me laugh was the one Joe posted.

    “Constipated people don’t give a crap.”

  91. Paige Shaina Says:
    November 18th, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    When I see an old lady slip and fall on the sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh…
    But, then I think, ‘What if there was an ant that was on the sidewalk and she fell on it?’ Makes you think.

  92. britibabi! Says:
    November 19th, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    true friends help you out of your burning house but best friends would be roasting marshmellows and hitting on the firemen

  93. marissa a.k.a. PAM Says:
    November 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    he said i love you
    i sneezed and said i’m sorry i am allergic to bull sh**

  94. Michael Says:
    November 22nd, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    I couldn’t fix your brakes, so i made your horn louder.

  95. Becky Says:
    November 23rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm

    4 out of 3 people don’t know fractions!

  96. Gintama Says:
    December 1st, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    Me talk grammar good.

  97. Dana Says:
    December 5th, 2008 at 9:04 am

    Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

    And for those who know DeathNote:
    “L: Hey Kira. Light: What? L: >) Light: Oh crap! OxO ”

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

    Change is good, but dollars are better.

    Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

    If this saying didn’t exist, somebody would have invented it.

    Why get even when you can get odd?

    What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

    A day without the sun is like… you know, night.

    If time is on your side, what’s on the other side?

    How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for kickboxing.

    I’m lost. I’ve gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

    A person who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

    No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys.

    If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

    It’s not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.

    Don’t worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do.

    1492: Native Americans disover Columbus lost at sea.

    Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    At first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

    >> Yeah, those are out of my agenda, so give credit to the CDWJHSODA.

  98. Gopher Says:
    December 7th, 2008 at 9:30 am

    A woman is like a diesel engine. Once you get her warmed up she runs a long, long time. Men are like a firecracker. They go up, explode and then their out.

  99. DC Says:
    December 7th, 2008 at 9:32 am

    Behind every woman, is a man staring at her behind.

  100. HOLLY Says:
    December 7th, 2008 at 11:51 am

    Huked on phonix wurked fer I.

  101. Anonymous Says:
    December 7th, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Some people are like slinkies… They’re really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face what you push them down a flight of srairs

  102. Person Says:
    December 8th, 2008 at 4:10 am

    Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder

  103. Alex Says:
    December 9th, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you rocks,throw them at you neighbor

  104. Byrd Says:
    December 11th, 2008 at 10:14 am

    when god hands you lemons, find a new god

  105. Stephen's Girl Says:
    December 11th, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    when life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons!!!

  106. lizzy Says:
    December 14th, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    me and you is friends…
    you smile…i smile…
    you laugh…i laigh…
    you cry…..i cry…
    you jump off a bridge….im gunna miss you


  107. ShizzleGizzleGar Says:
    December 16th, 2008 at 7:17 am

    I’m not crazy, just ask my camel; Steven!

    Squirrels, nature’s little speed bumps.

    Aerodynamically speaking, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn’t know so he goes on flying anyway.

    Due to recent cutbacks, and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

    Halloween; the tradition where your parents tell you to take candy from strangers.. hmm.

    Don’t accept a stranger’s candy unless they offer you a ride.

    665, not quite the devil.

    Everyone has a prince, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

    When life gives you lemons say: “Cool, got any more? =)”

    Muffins are just ugly cupcakes, but we love em’ anyway.

    If you can’t marvel the world with your radiance then baffle them with your bullsh*t.

    42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

    Don’t knock on death’s door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that.

    Nuu wai. Ya wai. Orly? Yarly.

  108. Sabrina Says:
    December 17th, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    When life gives you lemons, buy some grapejuice and let the world wonder how you made it.

  109. anonymous Says:
    December 19th, 2008 at 1:29 am

    im the farmers daughter your mama warned u about.
    ride neked!! put some color in your cheeks!!
    u remind me of my NEXT boyfriend!
    a cowboy and his truck, what a beautiful thang!!
    if farming were a sport you’d b lookin at an athlete!

  110. joooo Says:
    December 20th, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    everyone hates me because im paranoid

  111. IMAWIERDO Says:
    December 22nd, 2008 at 6:58 pm

    You’re perfect! Except for, like, 9 or 10 things.

  112. I am a bamf! Says:
    February 18th, 2009 at 10:44 pm

    Are you a seargent? Because my privates are at attention.

    I went blank and can’t remember the rest! damn!

  113. dude Says:
    February 20th, 2009 at 2:40 am

    i dont have a drinking problem! i drink, i get drunk, i fall down. No problem!

    Rehab is 4 quitters!

    Anything that is too stupid is to be spoken is sung.

    Solution to 2 of the world’s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.

    it may look like im doing nothing but im actively waiting for my problems to go away.

    Just be yourself everyone else is taken.

    I have PMS and a handgun.Any questions?

  114. Olivia Flannery Says:
    March 24th, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    It’s the difficult horses, that have the most to give you.

    nuthin like cowboy butts n’ Chevy Trucks.

    a Girl and her horse. oh but there is so much more to it than that.

    if stupidity was Vodka, my school would be WASTED!!

    every horse deserves at least once in it’s life, to be loved by a little girl.

    Horses. we share our lives with them. W braid our tears into their manes and whisper our hopes into their ears.

    Guns don’t kill people, Dad’s with purdy Daughters do…

    “my face hurts.” “it’s killin me!!”

  115. ZT Says:
    March 24th, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    My personal saying is,”The person that says being abnormal is normal hasn’t met my family.”

  116. Jaime Says:
    March 27th, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    It’s not easy being me. But it’s funny watching other people try!

    Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
    It’s just that yours is stupid.

    You laugh because I’m different…
    I laugh cause I just farted!

    All you have to do in life is go out with your friends, party, have fun, and look twice as good as the bitch standing next to you!

  117. Emily Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 3:54 am

    Never try, never fail

  118. Shitonastick Says:
    April 21st, 2009 at 3:07 am

    dont face your problem if your problem is your face

  119. Heather Says:
    April 22nd, 2009 at 5:53 am

    When Life gives you lemons, put them in your shirt to make your boobs look bigger!

  120. dun dun dunCATMAN!! Says:
    April 24th, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    Winter is nature’s way of saying “Up yours”

  121. Becky Says:
    April 25th, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    Its all fun and games…
    until someone gets hurt…
    then its HALARIOUS!

  122. Alanna Says:
    May 5th, 2009 at 8:43 am

    He who laughs last, thinks the slowest…..

  123. jake Says:
    May 21st, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    when life hands you lemons, take one bite and pretend you’re Renee Zellweger.

  124. jake Says:
    May 21st, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I’m not paranoid- WHO SAID THAT!!?

  125. BettyBoop Says:
    May 24th, 2009 at 6:35 am

    when life gives you lemons, you throw them back and say why the hell do I want these?

  126. Frank from Corsicana Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    I read ALL of these. Many thanks to all the contributors. Thanks to you I found some clever, short quips to put on my marquee which is exactly what I was looking for. Keep the witticisms coming.

  127. gabs Says:
    June 19th, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    whoever said nothing is imposible, never tried slamming a revolving door!!!

  128. $0qH!3 Says:
    July 1st, 2009 at 12:31 pm


  129. $0qH!3 Says:
    July 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking

  130. $0qH!3 Says:
    July 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    If ur parents didnt hav children then thers a good chance u wont

  131. Alysia Says:
    July 25th, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    why are there no round stickmen?

  132. Alysia Says:
    July 25th, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    when you get pulled over by the police for a DUI and the officer says “sir your eyes look red have you been drinkin lately” don’t say “officer your eyes looked glazed have you been eating donuts lately?”

  133. Alysia Says:
    July 25th, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    a good friend would come bail you out of jail a great friend would be sittin in the jail cell with you saying that way fun

  134. Alysia Says:
    July 25th, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    When you are sad,
    I will jump on the person
    who made you sad
    like a spider monkey
    jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

  135. Alysia Says:
    July 25th, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    When you are blue,
    I will try to dislodge
    whatever is choking you.

    When you smile,
    I will know you are
    plotting something
    that I must be involved in.

    When you’re scared,
    we will high tail it out of here.

    When you are worried,
    I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
    it could be until you
    quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

    When you are confused,
    I will use little words.

    When you are sick,
    Stay away from me
    until you are well again.
    I don’t want whatever you have.

    When you fall,
    I’ll pick you up
    and dust you off–
    After I laugh my rear off!!

  136. nick Says:
    October 7th, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    never hold farts in. it travels up your spine and into your brain and thats where crappy ideas come from

  137. makayla Says:
    October 28th, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    Guns don’t kill people, dad’s with teenage daughters do!!!!!!!!!!

  138. BRIAN Says:
    November 4th, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Smile and the world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone!!!

  139. JJ Says:
    November 9th, 2009 at 4:48 am

    If you notice this notice, You;ll notice this notice is not worth noticing

  140. mike Says:
    November 15th, 2009 at 1:15 am

    I know a little about everything and alot about nothin…..

  141. Almadelia Says:
    December 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am

    I Just Wanna Thank Everyone For All These Funny Words, I Read Some Every Morning To Start My Day Off In A Great Mood.

  142. bigdude Says:
    December 4th, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    these are all old

  143. HumourMeMonkey Says:
    December 17th, 2009 at 4:46 am

    When life gives you lemons, make apple juice then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

  144. devy Says:
    February 27th, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    1.BREAKING NEWS: There’s no news today.
    2.TO THE GUYS:
    If life give you LEMONS, just rearrange the letters and you have MELONS so you wouldn’t be tempted to touch any girl’s melons.

  145. Gabster(: Says:
    March 26th, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Silence is golden but duck tape is silver

  146. Mandy Says:
    April 14th, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    what do you say when miley falls?HO DOWN!

  147. J Deezy Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 10:58 am

    I tend to set my standards low, that way I am hardly ever disappointed.

  148. alexandra Says:
    May 4th, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    When life gives you lemons, ask someone for a beer in exchange.

  149. Texas_Mist Says:
    May 5th, 2010 at 6:06 am

    When life gives you melons… you might be dyslexic !

  150. Anonymous Says:
    May 12th, 2010 at 8:30 am

    when life gives you lemons…..throw them at little kids

  151. Anonymous Says:
    May 26th, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    When life gives you lemons…. ask for a refund.

  152. haley cheyenne Says:
    June 1st, 2010 at 7:20 am

    here is a three letter word rott in [email protected]#

  153. MaryKate101 Says:
    June 5th, 2010 at 4:22 am

    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

  154. MaryKate101 Says:
    June 5th, 2010 at 4:23 am

    I’m not antisocial… I’m just not user friendly!  

     I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and no have their actions questioned.

  155. MaryKate101 Says:
    June 5th, 2010 at 4:26 am

    Microsoft: Youve got questions, we’ve got dancing paperclips!

    1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

  156. phyn Says:
    June 22nd, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    when life gives you lemons,… ask for salt & tequila HAHAHA

  157. Kerio Says:
    June 29th, 2010 at 9:05 am

    If life gives you lemons….do tequila shooters! :)

  158. Steve Says:
    July 27th, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonaide is gonna suck!!

  159. Gena Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    there’s no I in Team, yeah but there is in WIN

  160. TOSH Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Last night I played a blank tape and the mime next door when NUTz!! :)

  161. chuxz Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    Save Water shower with ur girlfriend! :)

    ur future depends on your dreams so go to sleep right now!

    Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!

    After monday and tuesday – even the calenday says W T F

    If aliens are looking for itteligent life … why are you scared? :)

    Despite the cost of living – have you noticed that its very popular?

    Man walks into bar … ouch!

    Behind every succesful women – theres a succesful man staring at her arse!

    Those who critize our generation seem to forget who raised it!! :)

    I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out


  162. kuXxmaster! :) Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    Dont follow in my footstepz … I walk into wallz

    Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt … wakes up with a stinky finger! :)

    When you feel there is no point in life – draw a triangle and then there will be three

    The brain is a wonderful organ – it starts working as soon as I wake up and then stops once I get to school! LOLz :@

    Better to be pissed off then pissed on

    Like many women my age – I’m a 23

    Heres to me, heres to you, I hope we never disagree, but that should ever been – tah hell with you and heres to me! :)

    I would love to have a battle of wits with you bt it seems you have come unarmed!

    My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mentals problemz

  163. brandon Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    whaen life hands you lemons….put them in your pants and pretend you have big balls

  164. Tyson Says:
    August 22nd, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

  165. Karma Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 3:50 am

    Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass…its about learning to dance in the rain

  166. Rosie Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    I just hopped on my menstral cycle and drove over my husband.

  167. Rosie Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    The only good thing about going bra-less at my age is that it pulls the wrinkles right out of my face.

  168. Rosie Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    What would happen if you got scared half to death twice?

    Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

    I wanted a Chippendales dancer for my birthday, but after marriage and 15 years later, all I get is the Chips-Ahoy dancer.

  169. Ali! xx. Says:
    September 10th, 2010 at 3:14 am

    Come to the dark side… We have cookies =D

    Don’t tell me the skies the limit when there’s footprints on the moon.

    I called your boyfriend gay so he hit me with his purse!

    Do you believe in love at 1st site or should I walk by again…?

    Psst… Me and the Gummy Bears plan to take over the world… But Shh, its a secret!!

    HEYY guyss!! I’d just like to thank everyone for these amazing quotes, I put them on my msn and everyone loved them!!! I’m 13 and spend alot of the time when i’m on the computer doing assignments looking this stuff up LoL!! xx.

  170. Brittany Says:
    September 12th, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Friends are like bras, they are close to your heart, and they give you support!

  171. NoName Says:
    September 13th, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    If you’re gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough.

  172. carlee Says:
    September 19th, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    when life gives u skittles, throw them at people and scream “taste the rainbow!”

  173. Tayelor Says:
    September 22nd, 2010 at 5:18 am

    you’re just jealous cause the doctor called ME special!

  174. marisa Says:
    September 25th, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    come to the light side we stole the cookies from the dark side

    what does idk stand for i dont know omg nobody knows

    forgive your enemies it messes with their heads

    when life gives you lemons trade them for rocks and throw them at people you hate

    those who throw objects at the crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them

    if a #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2

    life doesn’t give me lemons anymore not after what happened last time

    death is a once in a lifetime experience

    death the #1 killer in the USA tell your friends

    don’t throw your cigarette ends on the floor the cockroaches are getting cancer

    the zombies are after brains don’t worry your safe

    please do not drop your cigarette bu

  175. Emily Says:
    September 26th, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    when life give u lemons throw them back and ask for cupcakes!!!!!!!!!!!

  176. p42chief Says:
    September 28th, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Lite at the end of the tunnel is not always the sign of hope…………….. It may also be the headlight of an oncoming train ..

  177. p42chief Says:
    September 28th, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    If i eat an entire box of crayons….. will i get a rainbow out the other end .

  178. Aikyo Says:
    September 28th, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Once I got in trouble in class and the teacher said to me:”Sit down! Do you think you’re special?!” and I said: Yeah, because my momma said so.”

  179. VODKAAAaaaaaaa Says:
    September 29th, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    when life gives you lemons, make Vodka, then sit back and watch the world try to find out how you did it.

  180. Anonymous Says:
    October 10th, 2010 at 12:24 am

    some r funny but the others rn’t funny at all.

  181. superstyan Says:
    October 13th, 2010 at 10:00 am

    im busy, your ugly, have a nice day :)

  182. superstyan Says:
    October 13th, 2010 at 10:01 am

    some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs :) x

  183. Crushed Hale.x Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 4:24 am

    “Suicide is a way of telling god ‘You can’t fire me! I quit!’”

    “I shall live forever.. Or atleast die trying..”

    My personal quote:

    “What’s yours is mine. WHat’s mine is mine.”

  184. funkmaster98 Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    save water shower with your girlfriend

  185. Kevin Says:
    October 19th, 2010 at 3:52 am

    Don’t pee in my pool, cuz i don’t swim in your toilet.

  186. jake Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 11:41 am

    ur momma so old she owes jesus a fiver!!!!!

  187. dalialey Says:
    November 6th, 2010 at 10:26 am

    seriouslu u have a body of a god…………BUDAHHH!

  188. Jason Says:
    November 12th, 2010 at 8:31 am


  189. reggie jackson Says:
    November 19th, 2010 at 8:59 am

    how do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your airfreshener.

  190. mike c. Says:
    November 19th, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    told to boss : most a-holes have a penis and a pair of testicles with it, yours has a nose and a pair of eyes.

  191. Rachel & Brit Says:
    November 20th, 2010 at 1:37 am


  192. Kristen Says:
    November 23rd, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Is thinking of combining youtube,myspace,facebook, and twitter to make,”my face you twit!!” haha

  193. hayley Says:
    November 26th, 2010 at 7:23 am

    i am going to combined myspace facebook and twitter. = twit face my space.

  194. shyanne Says:
    November 26th, 2010 at 10:43 am

    behind every b*@/! is a man who made her

  195. nancion Says:
    November 28th, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    silence is golden but duck tape is silver

  196. Cest Moi Says:
    December 7th, 2010 at 9:37 am

    I laughed at some of these but others are really bad

  197. Lolgirlmp3 Says:
    December 13th, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Ke$ha, I don’t think “love” is the only drug your on…..

  198. gg Says:
    December 21st, 2010 at 10:56 am


  199. Nick Says:
    December 26th, 2010 at 5:56 am

    Dumbest quistion ever ‘ where was it made?’
    duh china!! XD

  200. anonymous Says:
    December 28th, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    yo momma so old she was a waitress at the passover

    yo momma so fat she wore a blue dress skydiving and some kid started to yell mommy the sky is falling the sky is falling!

  201. bugyboo Says:
    December 31st, 2010 at 6:47 am

    Cowboy butts drive me nutts

    I’m the plumbers daughter ur parents warned u bout

  202. Potty Mouth 88 Says:
    December 31st, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    If you die on an elevator make sure you press the Up button!

  203. aldog Says:
    January 1st, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    quit with life and lemons .

    im 4th in line to the thrown , but it smells pretty bad out here so i think i’ll use another one .

    heaven must be some place theres folk dying to get in there .

  204. aldog Says:
    January 1st, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    im 13 i cant get up early enough to read these so i read them at night cos im a sad individual whos only friend only talks to in my sleep . my psycologist said its abnormal but i think he is trying to kill me .

  205. Anonymous Says:
    January 1st, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Experience is what you get shortly after you really needed it.

  206. Mia Says:
    January 1st, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Silence is golden but duct tape is silve and works just as good.

  207. Me Says:
    January 1st, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    if life gives you lemons, chuck them back and demand candy or you’ll scream and life dosent want that now does it?

    Vampires r pains in the neck

    Sometimes your knight in shining armor turns out to be an idiot in tin foil!

  208. Casey Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    “your so far in the closet, the boogie man is your best friend”

  209. Nicolas Says:
    January 10th, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.

  210. proness =P Says:
    January 26th, 2011 at 7:34 am

    dear americans, yes of course we ride kangaroos to skool, do u guys ride fat ppl? from australians

  211. Holly Swartz Says:
    February 28th, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    When life gives you lemons ADD Vodka :)

  212. Eamon Says:
    March 10th, 2011 at 3:45 am

    can you twitter my yahoo until I google all over your face book?

  213. pkay411 Says:
    April 10th, 2011 at 1:48 am

    When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.

  214. Larry Says:
    July 28th, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    My dog ate a box of crayons. Next day I saw rainbows in the backyard.

    About a month before grandpa died, grandma rubbed some lard on his back side. After that he went downhill rather quickly.

    It doesn’t matter how much milk you spill as long as you don’t lose the cow.

    No matter how well you bake, it’s all much a-dough about muffin.

    Nero fiddled while Rome burned because he liked to see people’s faces light up.

    My wife and I never go to bed angry. We fight all night.

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