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Funny Sayings
Funny sayings:Sstupid and witty quotes and Funny Sayings from bumper stickers, T-shirts, graffiti etc.
Funny Sayings:
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.
I have the body of a god… Buddha!
Funny Sayings Part 2
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free… taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Funny Sayings Part 3
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Page Topic: Funny Sayings: a collection of some of the best funny sayings and quotes.
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139 Responses to “Funny Sayings””
COMMENT (Not all comments are approved, including rude comments and those with strong language).
Section: Best Funny Jokes, Stupid, Funny Quotes, Questions & Sayings
January 9th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Beauty is a light switch away……………..
January 27th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your enemy’s eyes.
January 27th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die…
January 27th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
For Sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
January 27th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Evening news is where they start by saying “Good Evening” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.
January 27th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Always take money from a Pessimist…They never expect it back…
January 28th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
January 31st, 2008 at 12:46 am
there are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who cant
January 31st, 2008 at 5:42 pm
If its not broken fix it till it is
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 am
those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them
February 4th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
when life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone eles who life handed them vodka and have a party
February 7th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
if barbie is soo popular then y do we buy her friends and boyfriends?
February 12th, 2008 at 8:08 am
my kid is the kid who sold your kid the answers to making the honor role.
February 26th, 2008 at 10:36 am
“GOD created the world, everything else is made in china.”
March 8th, 2008 at 6:55 am
boys are like diapers…. hard to change and full of sh**!!!
March 8th, 2008 at 6:58 am
a friend is a person that noes u vey well….. and likes u anyways
March 29th, 2008 at 9:16 am
moo hoo ha. the only one that made me laugh was “You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.”
April 16th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
wzzzzzzzzzz up my bffs kathy hamilton and brianna ferguson will love these sayings.I rock!!!
April 16th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
i was so shocked when i was born i didn’t talk for a whole year and a half!!!LOL!!!
April 16th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Money isn’t one thing it’s everything!!!Marry a man with money!!!
April 20th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Always forgive your enemies, it annoys them.
April 21st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Some people are that low they can parachute from a snake’s bum and still have time to free fall.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
When life hands you lemons…freeze ‘em, then throw ‘em at the suckers who are pissing you off.
April 28th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:40 am
why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:29 am
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
May 5th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance. and, An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:23 am
“Never take Life Seriously, Nobody gets out alive anyway.” ^^
May 7th, 2008 at 7:08 am
If practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect why practice?
May 8th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
you’re unique just like everyone else!
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
it a cow laughs hard enough does milk come out it’s nose?
May 26th, 2008 at 8:57 am
A man was standing along side of the road with a sign that says will work for food: so I handed him a coconut
May 26th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
work is for people who dont know how to fish
June 1st, 2008 at 7:45 am
when life gives you lemons…. who the hells life and why is he giving you lemons?
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Those who throw dirt only lose ground…. =/
June 4th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
If its not one thing, its your mother
June 12th, 2008 at 1:40 am
If it doesn’t fit, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:29 am
what if the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?
July 1st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.
July 1st, 2008 at 12:07 pm
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
August 21st, 2008 at 6:34 am
every thing is funny as long as its happening to some one else
August 21st, 2008 at 8:26 am
i love work i sit on my ass lookin at it all day
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
money talks but all it ever says to me is good bye
August 26th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
The evening news is where they begin with “good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
funny lol
September 1st, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Im on a 30 day diet, so far ive lost 12 days!!!!
September 7th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
What are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants his butt back??
Talk to the hand (but quite frankly, it doesn’t give a crap either)
September 8th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother
September 8th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
All generalisations are false… including this one
September 8th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up any of your floppy disks?
September 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Error. No keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
How many of you believe in telekenesis? Raise my hand.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
They say people are all shapes and sizes, well round is a shape too.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Remember your unique, just like everybody else.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I’ll Have The chicken Breast Hold The Chicken
September 15th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
TALK TO THE LEFT HAND BECAUSE YOU AINT RIGHT!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA
September 16th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
life is like a monkey it’s cute and cudley on a good day but throws s**t in your face on a bad day
September 16th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
love is like jalepenos good at the start but a pain in the a$$ in the end
September 21st, 2008 at 1:48 pm
if you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend:)
drama. they say they hate it. but its funny because they create it.
i could rock your world, if youd turn up the amp:D
September 25th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most, live the longest
September 29th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
hey occifer i swear to drunk im not as god as you think i am
October 1st, 2008 at 9:51 am
did you know 5 out of 4 of high school students don’t know their. Fractions
October 1st, 2008 at 10:28 am
how can you expect the unexpected if the unexpected is expected to be unexpected?!?! What??! LOL
October 5th, 2008 at 2:04 am
there is one special child in the world…. and every mother has one
October 7th, 2008 at 4:30 am
Don’t be shy… Your mum wasn’t
October 7th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not all that bright. (sorry guys!)>.<
October 8th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
the left lane is the right lane and the right lane is the wrong lane.. WHAT?
October 10th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
I want to post my own funny saying “An archeologyst is the best huseband a women can have,the older she gats the most interested he is in her.
October 13th, 2008 at 12:10 am
this sentence is a lie.
October 22nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Don’t run your fingers over my truck, and I won’t run my truck over your fingers!
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:53 pm
HaHa! Last time I heard that joke I fell off my dinosaur!!
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:55 pm
I’m not smiling at you. I’m just trying not to laugh!
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:58 pm
Men are like parking stalls. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped!!
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely!!!
October 25th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Friendship Is Like Peeing In Your Pants…Everyone Can See It, But Only You Feel It!
October 30th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
when life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it
October 30th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Constipated people don’t give a crap
October 30th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
No you don’t get. You think you get it but you don’t. That’s why I want you to get it. Get it?
October 31st, 2008 at 7:48 am
if at first you dont succeed then skydiving isnt for you
October 31st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
My train of thought has been delayed
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
it’s only funny till someone gets hurt…..then its histarlical
November 4th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
HEY YALL
November 4th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
if you are ugly and you entered an ugly contest, they would kick you out and say sorry no professionals
November 5th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
a good friend will help you with your homework a best friend will do it for you and get the answers RONG on purpose LOL
November 6th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
inside of me there is a thin woman trying to get out, i usually shut the cow up with some chocolate!
November 15th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
if it were not 4 tomas edison, we all would b watchin tv in the dark!!True frnds dont let you drive naked!
November 16th, 2008 at 8:16 am
roses r red violets r blue, god made me pretty. Wat happened to u?
November 18th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
The only one that made me laugh was the one Joe posted.
“Constipated people don’t give a crap.”
November 18th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
When I see an old lady slip and fall on the sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh…
But, then I think, ‘What if there was an ant that was on the sidewalk and she fell on it?’ Makes you think.
November 19th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
true friends help you out of your burning house but best friends would be roasting marshmellows and hitting on the firemen
November 22nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
he said i love you
i sneezed and said i’m sorry i am allergic to bull sh**
November 22nd, 2008 at 10:42 pm
I couldn’t fix your brakes, so i made your horn louder.
November 23rd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
4 out of 3 people don’t know fractions!
December 1st, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Me talk grammar good.
December 5th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
And for those who know DeathNote:
“L: Hey Kira. Light: What? L: >) Light: Oh crap! OxO ”
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Change is good, but dollars are better.
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.
If this saying didn’t exist, somebody would have invented it.
Why get even when you can get odd?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
A day without the sun is like… you know, night.
If time is on your side, what’s on the other side?
How is it that “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for kickboxing.
I’m lost. I’ve gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
A person who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
It’s not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.
Don’t worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do.
1492: Native Americans disover Columbus lost at sea.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
At first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
>> Yeah, those are out of my agenda, so give credit to the CDWJHSODA.
December 7th, 2008 at 9:30 am
A woman is like a diesel engine. Once you get her warmed up she runs a long, long time. Men are like a firecracker. They go up, explode and then their out.
December 7th, 2008 at 9:32 am
Behind every woman, is a man staring at her behind.
December 7th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Huked on phonix wurked fer I.
December 7th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Some people are like slinkies… They’re really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face what you push them down a flight of srairs
December 8th, 2008 at 4:10 am
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs harder
December 9th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you rocks,throw them at you neighbor
December 11th, 2008 at 10:14 am
when god hands you lemons, find a new god
December 11th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
when life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons!!!
December 14th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
me and you is friends…
you smile…i smile…
you laugh…i laigh…
you cry…..i cry…
you jump off a bridge….im gunna miss you
IM AN ANGEL I SWARE!!! THE HORNS ARE JUST THERE TO KEEP THE HALO UP!!!
December 16th, 2008 at 7:17 am
I’m not crazy, just ask my camel; Steven!
Squirrels, nature’s little speed bumps.
Aerodynamically speaking, the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn’t know so he goes on flying anyway.
Due to recent cutbacks, and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Halloween; the tradition where your parents tell you to take candy from strangers.. hmm.
Don’t accept a stranger’s candy unless they offer you a ride.
665, not quite the devil.
Everyone has a prince, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
When life gives you lemons say: “Cool, got any more? =)”
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes, but we love em’ anyway.
If you can’t marvel the world with your radiance then baffle them with your bullsh*t.
42.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.
Don’t knock on death’s door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that.
Nuu wai. Ya wai. Orly? Yarly.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
When life gives you lemons, buy some grapejuice and let the world wonder how you made it.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:29 am
im the farmers daughter your mama warned u about.
ride neked!! put some color in your cheeks!!
u remind me of my NEXT boyfriend!
a cowboy and his truck, what a beautiful thang!!
if farming were a sport you’d b lookin at an athlete!
December 20th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
everyone hates me because im paranoid
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:58 pm
You’re perfect! Except for, like, 9 or 10 things.
February 18th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Are you a seargent? Because my privates are at attention.
I went blank and can’t remember the rest! damn!
February 20th, 2009 at 2:40 am
i dont have a drinking problem! i drink, i get drunk, i fall down. No problem!
Rehab is 4 quitters!
Anything that is too stupid is to be spoken is sung.
Solution to 2 of the world’s problem. Feed the Homeless to the hungry.
it may look like im doing nothing but im actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Just be yourself everyone else is taken.
I have PMS and a handgun.Any questions?
March 24th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
It’s the difficult horses, that have the most to give you.
nuthin like cowboy butts n’ Chevy Trucks.
a Girl and her horse. oh but there is so much more to it than that.
if stupidity was Vodka, my school would be WASTED!!
every horse deserves at least once in it’s life, to be loved by a little girl.
Horses. we share our lives with them. W braid our tears into their manes and whisper our hopes into their ears.
Guns don’t kill people, Dad’s with purdy Daughters do…
“my face hurts.” “it’s killin me!!”
March 24th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
My personal saying is,”The person that says being abnormal is normal hasn’t met my family.”
March 27th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
It’s not easy being me. But it’s funny watching other people try!
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
It’s just that yours is stupid.
You laugh because I’m different…
I laugh cause I just farted!
All you have to do in life is go out with your friends, party, have fun, and look twice as good as the bitch standing next to you!
April 16th, 2009 at 3:54 am
Never try, never fail
April 21st, 2009 at 3:07 am
dont face your problem if your problem is your face
April 22nd, 2009 at 5:53 am
When Life gives you lemons, put them in your shirt to make your boobs look bigger!
April 24th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Winter is nature’s way of saying “Up yours”
April 25th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Its all fun and games…
until someone gets hurt…
then its HALARIOUS!
May 5th, 2009 at 8:43 am
He who laughs last, thinks the slowest…..
May 21st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
when life hands you lemons, take one bite and pretend you’re Renee Zellweger.
May 21st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
I’m not paranoid- WHO SAID THAT!!?
May 24th, 2009 at 6:35 am
when life gives you lemons, you throw them back and say why the hell do I want these?
May 26th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
I read ALL of these. Many thanks to all the contributors. Thanks to you I found some clever, short quips to put on my marquee which is exactly what I was looking for. Keep the witticisms coming.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
whoever said nothing is imposible, never tried slamming a revolving door!!!
July 1st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
UR MOMMA’S SO STUPID SHE SAT ON THE TV AND WOTCHED THE SOFA!!!
July 1st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking
July 25th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
why are there no round stickmen?
July 25th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
when you get pulled over by the police for a DUI and the officer says “sir your eyes look red have you been drinkin lately” don’t say “officer your eyes looked glazed have you been eating donuts lately?”
July 25th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
a good friend would come bail you out of jail a great friend would be sittin in the jail cell with you saying that way fun
July 25th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
When you are sad,
I will jump on the person
who made you sad
like a spider monkey
jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
July 25th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
When you are blue,
I will try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.
When you smile,
I will know you are
plotting something
that I must be involved in.
When you’re scared,
we will high tail it out of here.
When you are worried,
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you
quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
When you are confused,
I will use little words.
When you are sick,
Stay away from me
until you are well again.
I don’t want whatever you have.
When you fall,
I’ll pick you up
and dust you off–
After I laugh my rear off!!
October 7th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
never hold farts in. it travels up your spine and into your brain and thats where crappy ideas come from
October 28th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Guns don’t kill people, dad’s with teenage daughters do!!!!!!!!!!
November 4th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Smile and the world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 4:48 am
If you notice this notice, You;ll notice this notice is not worth noticing
November 15th, 2009 at 1:15 am
I know a little about everything and alot about nothin…..