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McCain Jokes: Good Jokes about John McCain

McCain Jokes: Here are some good John Mccain Jokes from David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno, Craig Ferguson, and others.

Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That’s what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he’s going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies. ~Conan O’Brien

President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash ~Jay Leno

Sources say that Colin Powell is planning to endorse Barack Obama, which is bad news for John McCain. But at his age, he should expect some colon problems. ~ Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama’s staff and John McCain’s staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That’s good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before ‘Wheel of Fortune.’ ~Conan O’Brien

John McCain like the guy that goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house. ~David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today. And it was a very awkward moment when they shook hands because McCain’s hand broke off. ~Craig Ferguson

John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. ‘Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn’t make sense. ~David Letterman

McCain of course has the nomination sewed up. He’s now auditioning candidates for vice president, and they’re visiting at his home in Arizona. I believe it’s called Casa Viagra. I believe it’s called the Lazy Artery. I believe it’s a ranch, I think it’s the Double Hernia. No no, his home in Arizona ~ the Rancho Prostato. ~David Letterman

According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies… Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury. ~Jay Leno

McCain was asked how he’s going to conserve energy. He said by taking three naps a day. ~Jay Leno

Barack Obama went to the doctor today. He has a sore hip, apparently. Finally, the two presidential candidates have something in common. ~Craig Ferguson

John McCain looks like the kind of guy who brags that his new denture adhesive allows him to eat corn on the cob. ~David Letterman

John McCain is campaigning, out traveling around the country, looking for donors, mostly organ donors. ~Craig Ferguson

CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help. ~Conan O’Brien

John McCain says that if elected president, he will give a $300 million prize to anyone who can design a new car battery. McCain can get a new type of battery invented because he’s the guy that came up with the idea of not cranking the car up at the start. ~Craig Ferguson

And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he’s someplace else. He’s got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he’ll meet with the public. Yeah, it’s all part of McCain’s ‘Speak Up, I Can’t Hear You’ tour. ~Conan O’Brien

McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two. ~Bill Maher

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, ‘I’m the most qualified, because I’m usually up at that hour peeing anyway.’ ~Conan O’Brien

John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they’re calling it, Antiques Roadshow. ~Jay Leno

Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired ~ this is a bit of a scandal ~ because they were looking at Barack Obama’s passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain’s Civil War records. ~David Letterman

This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse. ~Jay Leno

John McCain’s daughter is in the news. John McCain’s daughter says that a lot of guys don’t want to date her because her dad makes her too high~profile. Yeah. That’s part of the reason. It’s also because McCain’s daughter is 63 years old. ~Conan O’Brien

If you know any good John McCain jokes, please leave them in the comments.
Page topic: McCain Jokes
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Funny bloopers and quotes of politicians and celebrities

 

 

Here are some funny bloopers and quotes from famous politicians and celebrities:

 

 

“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

“They gave me a book of checks. They didn’t ask for any deposits.”
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.

“He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.”
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn’t following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.

“It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.”
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

“I didn’t accept it. I received it.”
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

“I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.”
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

“I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.”
President Richard Nixon

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

“Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.”
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

“Are you any relation to your brother Marv?”
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.

“Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued … Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.”
Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

“In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent…”
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary “American Scholar”.

“Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.”
Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”.

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.”
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

“I’ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.”
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

“The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.”
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

“After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.”
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.

“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

 

 

Page Topic: Funny bloopers and quotes