InnocentEnglish.com

Tag: funny poems

Slightly Less Clean Limericks

Some of these limericks are suggestive, but they are still much more mild than many limericks out there, particularly the ones about a great many people from Nantucket, who apparently have quite a variety of very interesting social encounters…

 

Here are a some slightly clean limericks

 

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they’re written in Braille.


An old maid phoned the desk and said, “Joe,
What’s the noise from that room down below?”
“Oh, they’re holding,” he sighed,
“An Elk’s Ball just inside.”
“Well then, tell them,” she said, “to let go!”


A team playing baseball in Dallas.
Called the umpire bad names out of malice.
While that worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.


There once was an old man named Cohen,
Who cut off the foot of Tim Bowen.
Now it wasn’t that hard,
For Tim slept in the yard,
And Cohen clipped Bowen while mowin’.


(That limerick was pretty clean
You say with a tone a touch mean
But consider the lawn
That Tim’s foot would lay on
There’d be plenty of red on that green!)
-InnocentEnglish


(Hey, that limerick, it was our first.
It wasn’t the best nor the worst.
It was in the middle
But still it’s a riddle
Why there wasn’t first thirst to rehearse).
-InnocentEnglish


I memorized this when I was 10 and thought it hilarious: So did my friends the first 25 times I told it to them. After that, not so much…


There once was a maid from Magrass
Who had such a very nice ass
Now don’t raise a stink
It’s not what you think
It was brown had long ears and ate grass!

 

 

Page Topic: Slightly Less Clean Limericks

 

 

Good Tongue Twisters – poems and songs


Here are some good, funny and sometimes hard and challenging tongue twisters

I’ll start with a couple of tongue twister songs I put together for my other site for kids songs, SongDrops.com. First, is the youtube video of tongue twister Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore. I changed it a little to make it rhyme and to make it a little more challenging. This site cannot be reponsible for any tongue injuries which may occur while attempting this!

Youtube video of the kids song: Sally Sells Seashells by the shiny seashore
[youtube ptrA-e5abYE nolink]

And here’s the youtube video of my other tongue twister song, Peter Piper.
[youtube AnStAXLw4LY nolink]


Sally sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells Sally sells surely won’t sail
But since Sally sells sea shells and not ship sails,
Surely she’ll sell all the shiny sea shells she’s soon shipping on sale.


Uma Mona Newman
(An InnocentEnglish.com Original, by Bryant oden)

Short Version:

There once was a woman
Named Uma Mona Newman
She made her mom, Marilyn, M&Ms
She didn’t make the maximum
She only made the minimum.
She didn’t make them masculine
She only made them feminine.
And just for the millennium
She made them with chrysanthemum
And a hint of mint and cinnamon
Made by a man from Tiananmen.
And a minute amount of aluminum, for which there is no synonym.
Uma Mona Newman made a minimum of feminine cinnamon aluminum M&Ms.

Uma Mona Newman: Longer Version
There once was a woman
Named Uma Mona Newman
She made many mini-cinnamon M&Ms

One month for the millennium
I heard she made a minimum
Of at least a million of ’em
And made some of ‘em feminine
She made them with illuminated
Aluminum chrysanthemums
With a minimum of cinnamon
Made by a man from Tiananmen

Uma Mona Newman
made for the millennium
a minimum of a million
feminine cinnamon
aluminum chrysanthemum M&Ms.

She was commonly nominated
For her M&Ms that demonstrated
Abdominally sophisticated
And perfectly administrated
perfection that was indicated
By the times that it was imitated
But not completely duplicated
By the many who insinuated
The complexity was overstated
But finally they were most persuaded
Though to admit it yes they hated
That she had a gift most underrated
Of making the M&Ms they ated.

Uma Mona Newman
made for the millennium
a minimum of a million
feminine cinnamon
aluminum chrysanthemum M&Ms.

~~~~~~

If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.


A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk


These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue .


Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said “this butter’s bitter! But a bit of better butter will but make my butter better” So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter, and it made her butter better so ’twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter!


A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, “Let us fly!”
Said the fly, “Let us flee!”
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?


Perspicacious Polly Perkins purchased Peter Piper’s pickled products And peddled pretty popular pickles to produce a pretty proper profit!


If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It’s slick to stick a lock upon your stock,
Or some stickler who is slicker
Will stick you of your liquor
If you fail to lock your liquor
With a lock!


Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw
Before Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See’s saw
Before See sawed Soar’s seesaw,
See’s saw would not have sawed
Soar’s seesaw.
So See’s saw sawed Soar’s seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See’s saw sawed
Soar’s seesaw.


Ned Nott was shot
and Sam Shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott
than Nott.
Some say Nott
was not shot.
But Shott says
he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott
was not shot,
or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott,
Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott,
then Shott was shot,
not Nott.


However, the shot Shott shot shot shot Nott not Shott.


Freshly-fried flying fish.


Greek grapes go great draped on crates of crushed dates.


There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in;
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.


The epitome of femininity
With double indemnity

Page Topic: Good and funny Tongue Twisters

Page topic: fun, easy and hard tongue twisters collection: some of the best and most famous classic tongue twisters poems and some tongue twister songs of Sally sells sea shells and Peter Piper.

Top 10 Funniest Fairly Clean Limericks


The last few of these top 10 funniest limericks are suggestive, but they are still much more mild than many limericks out there, particularly the ones about a great many people from Nantucket, who apparently have quite a variety of very interesting social encounters…

 

 

1. Old Reggie McGarr

I heard that old Reggie McGarr
Died peacefully, with his cigar,
Peacefully dreaming,
Not yelling and screaming
Like the folks in the back of his car.

-Albert Van Hoogmoed


2. The Woman Named Bright

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.


3. Emily Skinner

A blonde girl named Emily Skinner
Would not eat a bite of her dinner
She’d been painting her door
And the man at the store
Had told her she had to get thinner
-Graham Lester


4. Arthur Jones

Arthur Jones to his bride-to-be said,
“I can shoot off this pear from your head.”
Then he missed by a hair,
But he still split a pair,
For there’s lead in the miss he misled
-Graham Lester


5. The Flea and the Fly and the Flue

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


6. The Gambler

A gambler in debt far too deep
Was needing a way to live cheap,
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed ‘em and reap.
-Graham Lester


7 Fischer the Fisher

There was a young fisher named Fischer
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fischer.

(Slightly More Risque Limericks)


8 The Maid from Magrass

There once was a maid from Magrass
Who had such a very nice ass
Now don’t raise a stink
It’s not what you think
It was brown had long ears and ate grass!


9. The Noise from the Room Down Below

An old maid phoned the desk and said, “Joe,
What’s the noise from that room down below?”
“Oh, they’re holding,” he sighed,
“An Elk’s Ball just inside.”
“Well then, tell them,” she said, “to let go!”


10. The Barmaid at Yale

On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they’re written in Braille.


Funny Poems: Top 10 funniest limericks

 

 

Page Topic: Fairly Clean Limericks