Category: Best Funny Jokes

best funny jokes: The best funny jokes on the web | the top funny jokes ever

When Life Gives You Lemons Quotes, Sayings and Jokes

Everyone’s heard it at one point in their life… “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Who was the original author though? Grandma? It seems to be one of those quotes that just has entered public consciousness and is pervasive. Strangely enough though, the origin of the famous saying hasn’t been lost yet. Dale Carnegie was the man who coined the phrase though he’s mostly known for writing the famous book “How to win friends and influence people.” Of course, everything slowly gets out of context eventually, so why not update the phrase to our modern times?

When life gives you lemons, be sure to send a hand written thank you note for the lemons, as email thank you notes can appear to be less sincere.

When life gives you lemons suck out all of the vitamin C and yell “EAT THAT, LIFE!

When life gives you lemons ask for salt and tequila!

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice, then wonder how the heck you did it.

When life gives you lemons, collect them one day life will stop and u would have the most lemons ever.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade and find someone else who life handed vodka to, and have a party

When life gives you lemons alter their DNA and make super lemons!!!

When life gives you lemons just shut up and eat your damn lemons

When life gives you lemons sell them on ebay,

When life gives you lemons when no one is looking, throw them through life’s window and run away.

When life gives you lemons, squirt the juice in his eye

When life gives you lemons, find a kid with a paper cut

When life gives you lemons, ask for the receipt

Page topic: when life gives you lemons sayings, quotes and jokes.

Top 10 ways to annoy a Telemarketer: A list of the top ways to get back at Telemarketers

I had just sat down to eat a nice dinner with my family when the phone rang. For the last several days I had been waiting for a phone call to tell me if I got a new, higher paying, job or not. In these economic times I could use every penny I could get. Anyways, the phone rang and I immediately jumped up from the table, knocking over my wine glass in the process. Upset, my wife yelled at me and the kids started crying. Ignoring all the commotion, I dashed to the phone and picked up the call….only to find out it was a telemarketer! If only there was a handy list somewhere to get revenge for another interrupted dinner lying around…

10 Ways to Annoy a Telemarketer

10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”

9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?”
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to
figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would
you be my friend?”

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could
bring you a case of beer and some chips

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When
they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit
card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will
give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the
telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I
guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer
will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Say good by – and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your mom?”

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Post Topic: Top 10 ways to annoy a Telemarketer

Einstein Jokes: Jokes about Einstein

Einstein was one of the greatest men of our time…and one of Germany’s biggest blunders. Here is a man who ended up coming up with the ideas necessary to unlock the secrets to nuclear energy and the Germans kicked him out because of his ethnicity. Germany ended up also trying to figure out nuclear weapons but since America had their magical Einstein they developed the weapons first, turning the tide of the war in the pacific (if it was an ethical use of the weapons is a whole different post). Somewhat tragically for Einstein, he considered himself a pacifist and didn’t actually work directly on the military development of the weapons, he just provided the key to developing them.

Einstein’s chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you
give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Einstein and God

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
“Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

Einstein at a party

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?”

The man answers “241.”

“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?”

The lady answers, “144.”

“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”

Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?”

The man answers, “51.”

Albert responds, “How ’bout them Cowboys?”

Page Topic: Einstein Jokes