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Tag: taxes

IRS Jokes: Jokes about the IRS

There are only three things that are guaranteed on this earth, death, and the Red Sox losing the World Series. Taxes really are supposed to pay for social benefits, parks, schools, roads, but instead, as we all know, it is funneled into military and bloated social programs like Medicare and Social Security. Not saying those aren’t good things to have, just that money is always used in wildly inefficient ways. For the love of all things slightly reverent, give our military proper armor! I’m getting sidetracked though; the real target of ridicule is the IRS, so enjoy some jokes at their expense….

(oh please don’t audit me nice IRS man!)

A Bar Contest

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man Around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bar tender would Squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the Lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the Money. Many people tried but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a Polyester suit. He said in a squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man who clenched it in his small fist.

Soon the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as six drops of Juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, “what do you do for a living?” The Little man replied with a winning smile, “I work for The IRS!”

The Stockbroker and the IRS

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant poured over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

“Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.

“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

Americans and their Flag

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an

American. “Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about

them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them.”

The American nodded. “It’s the same in the USA only we see stars too!”

page topic: IRS Jokes

Tax Jokes

 

 

Giving away your hard earned dollars isn’t funny, but some of these tax jokes are.

 

 

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can’t we pay Congress not to raise taxes?

 

 

Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.

 

 

Don’t you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?

 

 

The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850
He has to in order to get his taxes paid.

 

 

A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court.
His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count.
Flushed with victory, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, “Justice has triumphed!”
A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, “Appeal at once!”

 

 

Doing your own income tax return is a lot like a do-it-yourself mugging.

 

 

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.
“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”

 

 

Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don’t list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two; make sure you file on time. Number three, don’t make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards.

 

 

Page Topic: Tax jokes