Tag: Christmas

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus: List of ways to Confuse Santa Claus

Santa Claus, that jerk! The last four Christmases he’s left me nothing but coal in my stocking, and absolutely zilch under the tree! I mean, sure, maybe I shouldn’t have left him that, ahem, present the one Christmas after he gave me Mega Blocks instead of Lego Blocks. I take it Exlax cookies and Ipecac-laced milk don’t go so well together at 30 thousand feet flying a sled at mach 12. Must have been…messy. Maybe next time I should have gone with something less painful and more humorous. At least I didn’t feed the exlax to his reindeer. He’d have really hated me then, flying downwind of them like that.

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Post Topic: The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus

Christmas Jokes: Jokes about Christmas

Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming! …or was that the British? No matter, the weather outside is frightful and inside it’s so delightful. Why don’t we just let it snow, let it snow, let it snow? A glass of good eggnog, spiked or not, and a couple gingerbread cookies next to a crackling fire is my idea of a good time. Add some twinkling lights, a holiday blanket, and some good books and I’m in heaven. If the books happened to be funny, all the better! Until then though, I’ll just have to settle with these humorous Christmas jokes instead.

Christmas and the Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

A phone call to Santa

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.

“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

Christmas Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
“See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

The Angel upon the Tree

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn’t let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend “The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!”

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa’s house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, “Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?”

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

Page Topic: Christmas Jokes

Christmas Jokes for Kids: Kids’ Safe Christmas Jokes

Ho Ho Hooooly crap, is it Christmas already!? It is funny how the holidays sneak up on us. All the Christmas gifts, the shopping, the wrapping of presents, we can forget about the little tykes in our lives. Kids deserve jokes too! Below you’ll find a nice long list of clean jokes for kids, each one vetted by our excellent staff. So let’s break out the eggnog and get a good bit of holiday cheer on and have some good clean fun. Remember to turn down the lights and light the candles! Our family and friends are the reason for the season!

Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A pen-guin

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A. Its Christmas, Eve.

Q. Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
A. Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q. What happened when the snowwoman got angry at the snowman?
A. She gave him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do snowmen wear on their heads?
A. Ice caps.

Q. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
A. Fleece Navidad!

Q. What is a snowman’s favorite lunch?
A. An Iceberger!

Q. What do vampires put on their Christmas turkey?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What did the ghost say to Santa Claus?
A. I’ll have a boo Christmas without you.

Q. What do you call a snowman party?
A. A Snowball!

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?
A. Frost bite!

Q. What do you call an Eskimo cow?
A. An Eskimoo.

Q. How is the Christmas alphabet different from the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Q. What do the elves sing to Santa Claus on his birthday?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow . . .

Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?
A. Sandy Claws!

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
A. Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

Q. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A. Because he had the drum sticks.

Q. What do you when if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple.

Q. What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A. I’m going out tonight.

Q. Why wasn’t the turkey hungry at Christmas time?
A. He was stuffed!

Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it soots him.

Q. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A. A snowball!

Q. What’s the best thing to put into Christmas pie?
A. Your teeth!

Q. What do you get when you eat the Christmas decorations?
A. Tinsel-itus.

Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.

Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A. Missletoe!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What does Santa like to eat?
A. A jolly roll.

Q. How does Santa take pictures?
A. With his North Pole-aroid.

Q. What’s white and goes up?
A. A confused snowflake!

Q. What do you call an old snowman?
A. Water!

Q. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Q. What goes: now you see me, now you don’t; now you see me, now you don’t?
A. A snowman on a zebra crossing!

Q. What goes ho-ho whoosh, ho-ho whoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!

Q. What goes “oh, oh, oh”?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Snow who?
Snow use – I’ve forgotten my name again!

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can ho ho ho!

Q. When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
A. In the dictionary!

Q. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A. The Christmas one has no L (noel)!

Q. What do you have in December that’s not in any other month?
A. The letter D!

Q. Why is it always cold at Christmas?
A. Because it’s in Decemberrrr!

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night!

Q. What’s impossible to overtake at Christmas?
A. The three wide men!

Q. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A. A mince spy!

Q. How does a snowman lose weight?
A. He waits for the weather to get warmer!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted flakes!

Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A. Can you smell carrot?

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite!

Q. Where do snowmen go to dance?
A. A snow ball!

Q. How many presents can Santa fit in an empty sack?
A. Only one, after that it’s not empty anymore!

Q. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A. Tinselitus!

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A. Deep and crisp and even!

Q. What carol is heard in the dessert?
A. Camel ye faithful!

Q. What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
A. Jungle bells, jungle bells!

Q. What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas?
A. Sandy claws!

Q. What is Santa’s dog called?
A. Santa Paws!

Q. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
A. Santa Jaws!

Q. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?
A. Santa Clues!

Q. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when the fire is lit?
A. Crisp Cringle!

Q. What do you call Santa Claus when he doesn’t move?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A. A merry Christmas to ewe!

Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A. A pineapple!

Q. What kind of candle burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
A. Neither, candles always burn shorter!

Q. Why are turkeys wiser than chickens?
A. Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Turkey?

Q. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?
A. He got 12 months!

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic!

Q. Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
A. They both drop needles!

Q. What often falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?
A. Snow!

Q. What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A. A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

Page Topic: Christmas Jokes for Kids