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Tag: marriage humor

Wedding Jokes and Quotes

 

 

Here are some pretty good jokes about nuptials, weddings, tying the knot. You get the idea.

 

 

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

 

 

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

 

 

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”

 

 

Before marriage, a man years for the woman that he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

 

 

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “mommy, why does the girl wear white?” his mom replies, “the bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” the boys thinks about this, and then says, “well then, why is the boy wearing black?…”

 

 

The three ring joke: Did you know that every wedding involves three rings? Before the wedding, there’s the engagement ring. At the wedding, there’s the wedding ring. Ten years after the wedding, then comes the suffer-ring.

 

 

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

 

 

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating
the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife,
“Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

 

 

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

 

 

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’

 

 

There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive jewels.
Her explanation – “If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels.”

 

 

Page Topic: Wedding Jokes

 

 

Funny Wedding Toasts, Quotes and Jokes


Here are some funny wedding toasts you can use:

“To the newlyweds: May “for better or worse” be far better than worse.”
– Unknown

It don’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home!

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu

 

 

Page Topic: Funny Wedding Toasts

 

 

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
-Mark Twain

“If it weren’t for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.”
– Unknown

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar — a practice which is still continued.
Helen Rowland

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
-Ogden Nash

I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed through his shoes — and the stars through his soul.
– Victor Hugo

If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with love of herself; all that runs over will be yours.
-Charles Caleb Colton

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar… So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear….”

Funny Wedding Jokes


Funny Wedding Jokes, Marriage Jokes and humorous stories
For Wedding Toasts, Sermons, Speeches, Rehearsal Dinner Stories, etc.

Good Wedding Jokes: The Donkey Trick

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”

“We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own.”


The Doilies

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”


The Wedding Ring Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

The Wedding Crasher
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears himself by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

Their last marriage fight ever

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”
“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first

Hey Guys, remember this line, it could come in handy…. “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?” fight!”
“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”


The Wedding Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, “I’d like to order breakfast for two.”

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, “Make that five.”

Frustration is the first time you discover you can’t do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can’t do it the first time.

If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?

 

 

Page Topic: Funny Wedding Jokes