Here are some funny celebrity quotes
When I was growing up, there were two things that were unpopular in my house. One was me, and the other was my guitar
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb
Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially legal tender. Kay Ingram
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. David Frost
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. Mona Crane
I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.’ Lenny Bruce
Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill: Winston, you’re drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, you’re ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober.
It’s better to be looked over than overlooked. Mae West
My wife is a sex object – every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton
I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. Groucho Marx
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. Ronald Knox
Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it. Harry S. Truman
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better. Mae West
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W.C. Fields
I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. Mark Twain
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. Eleanor Roosevelt
It’s not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe, asked if she really had nothing on in a calendar photograph
Chanel No. 5. Marilyn Monroe, asked what she wore in bed
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
Carmen Boyle Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner – 1996
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you have got it made.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you’re eager to meet people who do.
Henry Kissenger former US Secretary of State
My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she’s reading.
Steve Jobs Founder: Apple Computers
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course,
men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men
think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find some woman I really don’t like and just give her a house.
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