These funny bloopers are actual mistakes by students I have tutored in Conversational English, and are from my humor book.DATING
That night, we went skin dipping- Just the two of us!
You mean you went skinny dipping?
It is called skinny dipping? But I’m not very skinny!
Well, that’s what they call it if you go swimming nude.
What is “Nude?”
Nude means Naked. No clothes or swimsuits.
Naked? No! I would never skin dip naked! There are little slippery fish everywhere! We skinned dipped with our underwear over us.
We were lovers,
but now she is my biggest enema!
We have hated each other for so long.
I want to borrow the hatchet.
My relationship with my
ax girlfriend was so painful.
FOOD AND COOKING
Do you like this food?
I made it from scratching!
I never liked mushrooms,
but now they are starting to grow in me.
Do you like your coffee cremated?
Are you hungry? I have dirty toes.
You have what?
Dirty toes. In my back pack.
Um, can you spell that?
Maybe D-O-R-I-T-O-S. Do you
Want to try one?
No thanks. I’m not so hungry
right now.
—Put the cabbages in salt water.
Then sit in the sink until the morning.
—Add two cups of ground flowers.
—Next, chop all the vegetarians
into little pieces.
—Then add small feces of fish.
—Don’t forget to insult the soup.
—Next, add a little Buddha
and mix it all up.
—When you are finished cooking,
find a suitable bowel and eat it with chopsticks.
HEALTH
Last night, when I ate dinner I started joking.
My friend hit my back very hard
until I stopped.
I was so lucky he was there!
A cold is caused by micro-orgasms in your nose.
I had a little ass dent this morning but I’m okay now.
My leg has been breaking for three weeks.
It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
I have a very kinky neck.
I probably should have gone to the doctor
one ear ago.
I want my face to have
the buttocks treatment.
The what?
The buttocks treatment. It makes your
wrinkles go away. It’s very famous
in Hollywood.
Oh. It’s pronounced “bo tox”.
That’s it. The buttocks treatment.
Maybe you need it too a little.
PARENTS
I always ate lunch at school.
But every day my mother made me suffer.
My bed has three blankets
and a large guilt my parents gave me.
My father met us at the airport
and gave me a big hog.
Then he hogged my wife.
Renting and Dorm and Apartment Living
Me and my brother share
a small womb in the basement.
We live on the sex floor.
Our apartment is small but we have a nice view.
WEDDINGS
I have something exciting to tell you.
My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!
The groom was wearing
A very nice croissant.
He lifted the veal off her face
and gave her a big kiss.
WEATHER
This morning, I was walking outside,
when suddenly a big shower fell on me!
Yesterday I had strong wind here.
Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful
about that. Once a car starts lusting,
there’s no way to stop it.
The entire country has been
devastated by a long trout.
When a volcan explodes, millions
of tons of larva can bury a city
TUTORING
I am so eager to mate you!
Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
You look sad today. Do you want to expose yourself to me?
I’m sorry, but I couldn’t write my essay.
My roommate had a toothache this morning.
So you couldn’t write your essay?
Yes! She was swelling and decaying badly!
TRAVELING
Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.
How far should I tip the driver?
I heard California is full of nude peaches.
In some countries, you should only drink the water
a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad,
but it will not have poison.
You can’t sleep with me because it is
too crowded. But you can probably
sleep with my sister. That’s what most
of my friends do when they visit.
OTHER
The cheerleaders threw up high into the air!
The police were attacked by a large group
of angry mops.
The article said there are only maybe five thousand beers left in B.C. This is a very serious problem… I think maybe we should only let very small people go beer hunting every year.
Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.
If you don’t believe in God your spit can go to hell.
