Best Bathroom Poems

Two Beautiful Wedding and Love Poems:

The Broken Vow and Husbands Take Heed

These two poems are by one of the most beloved transcendentalist couples of the mid-19th century, and together they paint a complete picture of a heart breaking story of love and its demise.

The Broken Vow
By William Emerson Wadsword:

We swore together we would stay
For forever and a day
Our bond so strong, nothing could break it
I never thought she would forsake it

Until the cursed walk I took
that fateful night when she forsook
The deepest vow we ever made
To replace the roll when it did fade

So cautiously, with pants down low
Into the kitchen I did go
Too late I realized, also there,
Was her women’s meeting, deep in prayer
The very moment I came in
Was when I heard her say “Amen”

Never had so many eyes
Stared so square between my thighs
I quickly moved my hands to hide it
But not before they’d time to size it

“Please don’t let me interfere
I just have need to clean my rear
What misfortune, for I fear
There’s nothing I can use in here
Might there be a volunteer
To spare their scarf without a tear?”

To my cause they weren’t too loyal
Though one did throw a wad of foil
I turned to go then turned back quickly
For fear my rear would make them sickly
Backwards I shuffled to the door
Then stopped to proclaim one thing more

“I’m certain I don’t need to mention
but I’d like to call to your attention
Though surely you did all surmise
That cold and stress can hide one’s size

I beg you kindly to remember
A fire starts with just an ember
This cold, cold day in dark December
Would have belittled any member”

Relieved to voice my clear disclaimer
(For if one misjudged me, who could blame her)
I retired to the toilet chamber
To take care of the remainder

My soul’s not one to much complain
But that foil of tin did bring me pain
That vow she broke, how it did stain us
Such a wrath she wrought upon my anus
But much worse still, or I’d have lied
Was the wrath she wrought upon my pride

As for us, of course we’re finished
And my life now so diminished
The endless rumors, the muffled laughter
The whispered glances ever after

The whims of fate, they are so cruel
For when she broke our Greatest Rule
I was left forever a broken fool
By a simple quest to wipe my stool

Husbands Take Heed
By Mary Elizabeth Wadsword

Only a wife could understand it
How I could have ever planned it
For they’ve sat down in the dark of night
And found the toilet seat upright
After near five hundred times
The mind gets thoughts of passion crimes

So hard and carefully I plotted
The sweet revenge that thus resulted
In the end of needless seats left up
And the rich rewards of our prenup

First I paid such careful heed
To when he did his daily deed
Then I changed my weekly women’s meeting
And urged a quiet, prayerful greeting

I had taken thorough care
To take and hide all but one square
And that night I led a silent prayer
Until I heard his approaching footsteps there

All the rest, well that was easy
In he waddled, exposed and sleazy
I finished up and then all eyes
Got such a big (or small) surprise
That was the bonus (how I giggled)
By chance his lance was extra shriveled
My eyes alone saw his shocked face
(Theirs fixed upon his other place)

It went even better than I wanted
Now I’m rich and he is haunted
So men take heed, the moral’s simple
Your wife, her body is a temple
This cannot be too overstated:
THINK after you’ve urinated!

Heed these words so often sworned
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned




Page Topic: Best Bathroom Poems



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