Category: Other Cool and Fun Stuff

Some other cool, fun, interesting or funny pages that don’t fit anywhere else

College Humor and Jokes: College Admission, by Dave Barry.

COLLEGE HUMOR AND JOKES: Some of you might follow Dave Barry’s Newspaper column. It’s always amusing and sometimes really funny.  Here is a funny piece Dave Barry did about College and  College Admissions. 
College Admissions, By Dave Barry.
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
• Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect phone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
• Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize – don’t ask me why – the names of three other metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most about. Here is a very important piece of advice: BE SURE TO CHOOSE A MAJOR THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE KNOWN FACTS AND RIGHT ANSWERS.
This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wonder into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your results to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology – subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A BOOK THAT ANYBODY WITH ANY COMMON SENSE WOULD SAY. For example, suppose you are studying _Moby-Dick_. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked _Moby-Dick_ anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.
Studying dreams is more fun. I had one professor who claimed everything we dreamed about – tractors, Arizona, baseball, frogs – actually represented a sexual organ. He was very insistent about this. Nobody wanted to sit near him. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into a scientific sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: “Methodological observations of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematured isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.” If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

Page topic: College humor and jokes about University: College Admission, by humorist Dave Barry.

“Bee Movie” Review: The First Review of Jerry Seinfeld’s “Bee Movie”

“Bee Movie” movie review, from: Scoop: Tomorrow’s News Today * Scoop is proud to be the first website to offer a review of Jerry Seinfield’s “Bee Movie”.

The cast of “Bee Movie” includes  Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, John Goodman, and Chris Rock. And not one single actual bee.

Synopsis: In “Bee Movie”, Jerry Seinfield plays a bee who is shocked to find out that humans have been stealing honey from bees for centuries.  As he just graduated from college (probably getting all “b”s), he decides to sue the human race for the honey that was stolen.

First let me say isn’t there an ORIGINAL idea out there? This is like, what, the 5th movie in so many years, about insects suing humans for taking something from them.  And it almost completely parallels the plot of “Michael Clayton”, save for a few differences such as the story line and mood.   

In addition, The notion that bees would name their children with such English sounding names, and even farther- would actually SPEAK English with very little accent, really broke the belief barrier for me.  It’s a well known fact that a great many bee colonies in recent years have come from Australia due to the bummer bee disease that has been floating around.  But is there even ONE bee with an Australian accent In this movie? Is there????  (I’m honestly asking. I haven’t seen it yet).

Another problem I had with this movie was that even though it is a children’s movie (sorry, a “family movie”, meaning, I assume, there’s sex jokes aimed at going over the children’s heads but hitting the adult’s in their own funny bone), there was really no nudity.  Now, I suppose the bees were nude, however this is hardly considered a plus for the majority of movie goers (and I’d rather not talk about this minority).  But if you are going to have beautiful Renee in your movie, SURELY you can think of SOME reason to, at the least, have a towel scene.  Jerry Seinfeld is revered for his creative mind, and yet he missed this glaring opportunity to increase the size of his audience??? (and I’m not just talking about the number of people in the audience).

Matthew Broderick was one of the bright spots of the movie, primarily because his voice reminded me of the time I watched “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” slightly altered.

In any event, based on the movie poster, the synopsis, and my mood at the moment since my girlfriend wants to “take some space” to “explore other options” and maybe “sleep with more of your friends but not secretly this time”, I have little choice but to give this unrealistic movie (they didn’t even use REAL BEES!) 2 out of 4 honeycombs.

*Due to the lack of dependability of making wild guesses about the future, news articles in InnocentEnglish’s “Scoop” section may or may not even remotely have anything to do with reality.

page topic: “Bee Movie” movie review

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