The Best Jokes in the World

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According to several comedians, as compiled by GQ magazine

Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)

 

 

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150 thoughts on “The Best Jokes in the World”

  3. wow,those are pretty dang funny. I enjoyed those a ton! Not as much as what happened to me last night. But still, those were absolutely phenominal, i know how that kid who lost his virginity feels, and thats what makes that joke so funny!

  17. Man those aint even funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u guys need to getta life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. What can travel around the world. but stays in one corner?

    A stamp=] , Don’t get it? get off the drugs ‘-.-

  25. these are way funny i love the jungle one so who ever is saying there rubbish their wrong how do you keep a idiot waiting ILL TELL YOU LATER LOL i love them

  27. the only funny one was with the 2 campers that was good but the others were rubbish. i mean who came up with those terrible terrible jokes.Heres a good one.
    3 Men Are standing in court after they were arrested at a lake.The judge asked the first man what he was doing and the man replied”i was throwing peanuts in the lake”.The judge says ok u didnt do anything wrong.The judge asks the second guy what he did wrong and the man replies”I was throwing peanuts in the lake as well”the judge just smiles and says u did nothing wrong either.The Judge asks the third guy if he was throwing peanuts in the lake as well and the man replies”No Mam i Am Peanuts”

  29. Not very humorous.There are still better jokes.
    Apologies for writting the truth

    Regards
    Uma Maheswar Nakka

  34. terrible they were meant to be BEST JOKES IN THE WORLD not WORST JOKES IN THE WORLD ive done jokes 200% better when I was 4 you need to try better

  35. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

    The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

  39. Not very funny. I thought the one with the two campers was alright coz it reminded me of something a friend of mine would say but they’re not that good to be honest.

  40. Those jokes were awful. the only good one was the 2 campers and i already heard that 1.
    Here’s a long but good joke:

    A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

  43. I cant say i found them that great but comedy is completely individual and very bias of said person sense of humour im hell i could be german they never get jokes.

    But that was just an example. Not a true fact.

  48. wow these jokes are good man….but you know what? you need some more that actually makes sense and not like and yeah and so on…u no wut i mean? yeah that’s cool

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