According to several comedians, as compiled by GQ magazine the funniest jokes are:
Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: heâ€™s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “Thatâ€™s not surprising,” the elders say. “Youâ€™ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Hereâ€™s that $100 I owe you,” he says.
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. Iâ€™ve got a special game for you. Iâ€™ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paintâ€¦myâ€¦house.”
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said “Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you.” He replied: “You lose.”
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”
A man is driving his five year old to a friendâ€™s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesnâ€™t make it right, and I donâ€™t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers wonâ€™t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
Page Topic: Funniest Jokes Ever
If you enjoy really stupid jokes, you may want to check out my nephew’s joke site, www.mystupidjokes.com.Â Yes, most are astoundingly stupid, but some make you laugh anyway. :)