InnocentEnglish.com

Tag: relationship jokes

Daily Quick Break: January 27, 2008: Relationships jokes: Her Diary and His Diary

Posted on by admin

Every day InnocentEnglish.com posts a new funny or cool Quick Break. The Quick Break section has today’s quick break plus previous ones so you can browse through any you missed.

Same planet, different worlds? Probably just about everyone has had some relationship moments that felt like that.  Here’s a case in point:

Her Diary

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

To read the rest, go to: Relationships jokes: Her Diary and His Diary

Quick Break Pic of the Day. Caption this Pic!

Rules for Guys Around Women: How Men Score and Losing Points in the Relationshiop Game

Posted on by admin

How Scoring works for guys in the relationship game. If you are like most guys,  how well you are scoring with your girlfriend or partner or wife seems to be pretty random sometimes. You haven’t yet quite figured out how the scoring works in the relationship game.  So, here is a quick guide to relationships and scoring. If you follow this guide,  you should see your score go way up.  it also should explain why your score went down at various times.

Much like a credit score, Your relationship score has serious consequences. With a high score, you can sometimes borrow from it, even heavily, without any big problems. For instance, if you have a lot of points accrued, you can probably get away with coming home very late at night, after being out with the boys all night.  You will definitely lose points, but you probably won’t go much below zero for long.  On the other hand, if you already are in the negative points, or are close to zero, there is very little freedom and leeway for you to lose points. It’s much more pressure and less enjoyable. 

So, here’s a points guide to help you see how you are gaining and losing points:

So, in the relationship game, the scoring actually works very simply: Make her happy, you get points. Make her unhappy, you lose points.  Do something she likes, SCORE. Do something she doesn’t like, lose points.  Unfortunately, you don’t get any points for doing nice things that she expects you to do. Because of this, some risky point chasers have found that if they STOP doing things that earn points temporarily, it can increase the point value of things that were previously taken for granted.  Buy her flowers every week, within a year, you don’t get points for that, but you actually lose points if you skip a week.  However, if you seldom buy her flowers, they serve as a quick point booster. particularly if you are planning anythying that could create a point deficit.

 The difficulty can come in trying to discern what will gain points and what will lose. She is a complicated mystery. As are her hormones.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

    * You make the bed…..+1
    * You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…..0
    * You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1

    * You leave the toilet seat up…..-5
    * You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0
    * When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…..-1
    * When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom…. ; -2
    * You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
    * In the snow …..+8
    * But return with beer…..-5
    * And no liners…..-25

    * You check out a suspicious noise at night…..0
    * You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0
    * You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…..+5
    * You pummel it with a six iron…..+10
    * It’s her cat…..-40

AT THE PARTY

    * You stay by her side the entire party…..0
    * You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy…..-2
    * Named Tiffany…..-4
    * Tiffany is a dancer…..-10
    * With breast implants…..-18

HER BIRTHDAY

    * You remember her birthday…..0
    * You buy a card and flowers…..0
    * You take her out to dinner…..0
    * You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar…..+1
    * Okay, it is a sports bar…..-2
    * And it’s all-you-can-eat night…..-3
    * It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is painted the colors of your favorite team ¦.-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

    * Go with a pal…..0
    * The pal is happily married…..+1
    * The pal is single…..-7
    * He drives a Ferrari…..-10
    * With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)…..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

    * You take her to a movie…..+2
    * You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
    * You take her to a movie you hate…..+6
    * You take her to a movie you like…..-2
    * It’s called Death Cop III…..-3
    * Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls…..-9
    * You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

    * You develop a noticeable pot belly…..-15
    * You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…..+10
    * You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30
    * You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”…..-800

THE BIG QUESTION

    * She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
    * You hesitate in responding…..-10
    * You reply, “Where?”…..-35
    * You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”…..-100
    * Any other response…..-20

COMMUNICATION

    * When she wants to talk about a problem:
    * You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..0
    * You listen, for over 30 minutes…..+5
    * You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50
    * Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, “…well, what do you think I should do?”…..-100
    * You have fallen asleep…..-200

IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

    * You talk…..-100
    * You don’t talk…..-150
    * You spend time with her……-200
    * You don’t spend time with her…..-500
    * You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.

Page Topic: Funny Rules for Guys: How men score points and lose points with women 

Men and Women Translation Dictionary

Posted on by admin

Every have trouble understanding what the opposite sex is thinking? This short, handy guide helps you translate what they are saying into what they are meaning. Read it, learn it, and check it out for yourself. You will never misunderstand or have communication problems again.

 

Translation Dictionary of Women’s English.

 

* Yes……………………………….No

* No………………………………..Yes

* Maybe……………………………No

* We need………………………….I want

* I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry

* We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble

* Sure, go ahead……………………You better not

* Do what you want……………….You will pay for this later

* I am not upset……………………Of course, I am upset, you moron!

* You’re attentive tonight…………Is sex all you ever think about?

 

Translation Dictionary of men’s English.

 

* I am hungry………………………I am hungry

* I am sleepy……………………….I am sleepy

* I am tired…………………………I am tired

* Nice dress…………………………Nice cleavage!

* I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now

* I am bored………………………..Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?………………I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?…………..I’d like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?……I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.

* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay

 

And here are a few more funny translations of man-speak: What men say and what they mean:

 

“I’M GOING FISHING”
Translated: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

 

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

 

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

 

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

 

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

 

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

 

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

 

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

 

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless”

 

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

 

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translate: Hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

 

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

 

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

 

“I’M NOT LOST … I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

 

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Translated: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
Free Registration

 

 

Page topic: Funny Men and Women Translation Dictionary and decoding guide