Tag: gender humor

Rules for women: A Funny List of Rules that Men wish Women Knew

Here are the rules of manhood, just in case you didn’t get your copy as a teenager. Read it, learn it, live it. If you don’t follow these rules, you are breaking the male code. This is bad karma, and may create judgmental glares by other men.



1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2. It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

· When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

· The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

· After wrecking your boss’ car.

· One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.


3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.


4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.


8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.


10. You may be flatulent in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.


11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.


12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.


14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.


16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.


17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.


19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.


20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.


21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

· Yeah, Baby, Push it!

· C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

· Another set and we can hit the showers!


22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.) For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.


25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.


26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.


27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.


28. There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics. Ever.



Page Topic: Rules for women: A Funny List of Rules that Men wish Women Knew

Rules for women: A Funny List of Rules that Men wish Women Knew

Here is a list of rules that men secretly wish women followed. If you don’t believe it, ask your guy, but first convince him he won’t get in trouble for being honest.



Rules For Women


This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew…


1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.


2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.


3. Don’t make us guess.


4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.


5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.


6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship.”


7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.


8. Dogs are better than cats.


9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.


10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time.


11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.


12. You have enough clothes.


13. You have too many shoes.


14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.


15. Your brother is an idiot.


16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.


17. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.


18. Share the bathroom


19. Share the closet.


20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.


21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


22. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex in the morning.


23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.


24. Check your oil.


25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.


26. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.


27. If you think you’re getting on the heavy side, you probably are. Don’t ask us.


28. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.


29. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.


30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.


31. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?


32. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.


33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.


34. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.



Page Topic: Rules for women: A Funny List of Rules that Men wish Women Knew

Men and Women Translation Dictionary

Every have trouble understanding what the opposite sex is thinking? This short, handy guide helps you translate what they are saying into what they are meaning. Read it, learn it, and check it out for yourself. You will never misunderstand or have communication problems again.


Translation Dictionary of Women’s English.


* Yes……………………………….No

* No………………………………..Yes

* Maybe……………………………No

* We need………………………….I want

* I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry

* We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble

* Sure, go ahead……………………You better not

* Do what you want……………….You will pay for this later

* I am not upset……………………Of course, I am upset, you moron!

* You’re attentive tonight…………Is sex all you ever think about?


Translation Dictionary of men’s English.


* I am hungry………………………I am hungry

* I am sleepy……………………….I am sleepy

* I am tired…………………………I am tired

* Nice dress…………………………Nice cleavage!

* I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now

* I am bored………………………..Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?………………I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?…………..I’d like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?……I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.

* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay


And here are a few more funny translations of man-speak: What men say and what they mean:


Translated: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”


Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”


Translated: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”


Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”


Translated: “Are you still talking?”


Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”


Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”


Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”


Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless”


Translated: “What did you catch me at?”


Translate: Hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”


Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”


Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”


Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”


Translated: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
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Page topic: Funny Men and Women Translation Dictionary and decoding guide