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Cannibal Jokes: Jokes about Cannibals

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Everyone loves a little long pig, right? Nothing like a bit of the old human flesh to set off a meal. I mean, cannibalism is no laughing matter, after all, people die! However Jonathon Swift does have a point, a little bit of cannibalism would save our world’s overpopulation problem. I’d modernize it though, why pick on just the Irish? Eat the rich before the rich eat you! Socialism and delicious meals all in one nifty little package. Societal cannibalism as gone all but extinct at this point, even if the occasional person gets jailed for nibbling on their neighbors.

And now for the Cannibal Jokes:

Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?
They’re very bitter.

Why do cannibals prefer eating readers to writers?
Because writers cramp but readers digest.

What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

What’s the definition of Trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone’s eaten.

The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, “Aren’t you done eating yet?” The 2nd cannibal replied, “I’m on my last leg now.”

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn’t like!

What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant?
Dinner costs an arm and a leg.

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?
Eatin’ Allen’s.

What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.

What is a cannibal’s favorite game?
Swallow the leader.

What do cannibals make out of politicians?
Bologna sandwiches.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks.”

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, “Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.” The 2nd replies, “So, try the potatoes.

Cannibal’s recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

page topic: Cannibal Jokes

Engineer Jokes: Jokes about Engineers

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Engineers were the best people to party with back in college. No, no, don’t laugh, it is true! After being cooped up for days and weeks on end, when they finally got a night off my engineer friends always went wild. You see, they had to pack days and weeks’ worth of merriment into one night. They were like springs wound too tight, ready to be released. Yup, they were fun loving people… which is why I hope they won’t kill me for posting a list of jokes about them!

Psychology and Engineers

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

“How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 1: It is half empty.

Student writes ‘pessimist’ in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 2: It is half full.

Student writes ‘optimist’ in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

“Oh them!”, the professor says, “I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality.”

Engineer at a Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

An Engineer goes Golfing

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?
wP>George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight hile saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

Engineers and the Human Body

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

An Engineer deciding between a Wife and Mistress
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

page topic: Jokes about Engineers

Politics Explained: Cows Explain Politics Simply

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Current politics has you confused beyond all belief? Can’t tell socialism from feudalism, democracy from bureaucracy? Sick and tired of all the pundits and pacifists arguing on TV about who is what? Do not worry, we have you covered. Here’s our handy guide to the whole political spectrum, laid out in cows! Follow this manual to cows and politics and you will be caught up in no time. Never worry again if you’re mixing your political terms, labels, or titles.  There is nothing like a good dose of humor to lighten the heavy atmosphere of today’s political scene.

Politics Explained:

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows, give one to your neighbor.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Give them to the government. The government gives you milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. Give the milk to the government.

PURE FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

NAZISM: The government shoots you, takes the cows and feeds one to the army and the other to the police.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull OR you slaughter the cows & compete with McDonalds.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ANARCHISM: Keep the cows. Steal a few more cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CONSERVATISM: Milk the cows, enbalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep from spreading the disease. Phase out over five years the amount of milk you’re required to give to the government.

LIBERALISM: Give the milk back to the cows. Let them escape. Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.

LIBERTARIANISM: Milk the cows and keep it for yourself; hope the populace can find milk elsewhere.

MILITIAISM: Start shooting if they come for your cows.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!

page topics: Cows explain politics simply