The Best Jokes in the World

According to several comedians, as compiled by GQ magazine

Okay, so it’s impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians.

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)



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150 thoughts on “The Best Jokes in the World”

  1. They’re all good but I’ve got another one WHY DON’T SEAGULLS FLY BY THE BAY



  2. The little boy who got an F in math was funny. Here’s a good one. How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your airfreshener.

    A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat but it was dead. “how did you know the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pised in it’s ear and it didn’t move.” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT!!”The teacher exclaimed in surprise. “you know.” explained the boy. ” I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

    Our Lager, Which art in barrels,
    Hallowed be thy fame.
    Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk,
    At home, as it is in bars.
    Give us this day our foamy head,
    And forgive us our spillage,
    As we forgive those who spill against us.
    And lead us not to incarceration,
    But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the ale, the pilsner, and the lager,
    Forever and ever.
    – AMEN –

    3 tortoises, Mick, Alan & Les, decide 2 go on a picnic.
    So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer & sandwiches.
    The trouble is the picnic site is 10 miles away so it takes them ten days 2 get there.
    When they get there Mick unpacks the food & beer. ‘Ok Les give me the bottle opener, ‘I didn’t bring it’ says Les. ‘I thought u packed it’.
    Mick gets worried, he turns 2 Alan, ‘Did u bring the bottle opener?? Naturally Alan didn’t bring it. So they’re stuck 10 miles from home without a bottle opener.
    Mick & Alan beg Les 2 go back 4 it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After 2 hours, & after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
    20 days pass & he still isn’t back & Mick & Alan r starving, but a promise is a promise.
    Another 5 days & he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, & just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts……..

  4. A lil boy, who wanted $100.00, prayed 4 2 weeks but nothin happened. He decided 2 write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When d postal workers received d letter 2 GOD, U.S.A., they sent it 2 d President. D President was so impressed, he instructed his secretary 2 send d boy $5.00. Mr. President thought this wud appear 2 b a lot of money. D lil boy was delighted wit d $5.00 & sat down 2 write a thank u note 2 GOD dat read: “Dear God, Thank u very much 4 d money. However, I noticed 4 sum reason u had 2 send it thru Washington, D.C., &, as usual, those devil’s deducted $95.00.

    Lil’ Nancy was n da garden filling n a hole when her neighbor peered over da fence. He politely asked, “What r u up 2 there, Nancy?”
    “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “& I’ve just buried him.”
    Da neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole 4 a goldfish, isn’t it?”
    Nancy patted down da last heap of earth & then replied, “That’s because he’s inside ur stupid cat.”

  5. Here’s a really funny one.

    Language Barrier
    An Asian man walked into da currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen & walked out with $72.
    The following week, he walked n with 2000 yen, & was handed $66. He asked da teller y he got less money than da previous week.
    The teller said, “Fluct-u-ations.”
    The Asian man stormed out, & just before slamming da door, turned around & shouted, “Fluc u Amelicans, too!”

  6. I have a few good jokes but I was wondering are you able to submit any I know it’s kind of a stupid question but I just want to know please reply! :3

  7. i got one
    why didn’t the skeloten cross the road?

    he didn’t have any guts

    knock knock

    whos there

    interupting cheeze



  8. this is the worst jokes EVER, i got what they meant but they sucked horribly. the beer prayer was my fav, i go to church every Sunday and they say that prayer, not the beer 1 of course:).The language barrier was ok, the BMW 1 was great, the camper 1 was ok 2, but most of these were really dreadful, like watching a 1920’s silent film with an organ playing in the back ground, this is like listening to George bush doing stand up comedy and him joking about the soldiers who died in Iraq, not funny…

  9. i have a good one.

    a egg and a sausage in a frying pan. the sausage says to the egg “Oh it’s hot in here!” and the egg says “Ahhh…a talking sausage…”

  10. those jokes are alright, i guess. But this one is better:

    What did the cloth say to the water?

    I’m going to wipe the floor with you!

    That wasn’t really better, but hey! I don’t care1

  11. this one is awesome!!

    “Doctor Doctor! I think I’m a pair of cutains!” a man shouted.

    The docctor said “Pull yourself together man!”

  12. “Look, we all have to do this” The man said.
    “Really? I don’t see why!” Said the woman.
    “WE HAVE TO!” He said.
    “Fine!” She said.

    Then they reluctantly ate the man’s mother’s potato salad.

  13. you could of put a fewr more jokes oin there! like this one:

    Why did the chicken go over the bridge?

    (You prob think that it is ‘to get to the other side’ but my version is WAY better!)

    To sole his bacbacbacproblems…okay that was terrible…

  14. i love these jokes! i went into hospital with a laughing attack yesterday when i read them!

    NOT! they are terrible!

    get some better ones will you? thanksQ

  15. these are the worst ever! why even bother putting them on? you are really stupid people whoever came up with these. IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!

  16. I thourt tht astins was rubish i mean i dont even get it

    so ive got two or three jokes

    why r stairs called stairs? a: coz thy stair alot!

    Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
    The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

    Two fish in a tank
    One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”

    Which day of the week do fish hate?…….

  17. some of them are pretty good, but some kinda suck. Anyway, they aren’t the funniest jokes ever, but some are good.

  18. Those jokes suck here’s an alright one. During the cold war america spent over 12 million dollars to make a pen that can write upside down in space and on differant material You know what the Russians used, a pencil. Chuck Norris can fall up chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice. The dinosaurs pissed chuck Norris off, once Chuck Norris whent to mars that’s why there’s no life. Chuck norris sleeps with a night light on not because chuck Norris is afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid off chuck Norris.

  19. What is funny on these jokes..too short lines
    try to make a long line for a better joke
    but it is nice

  20. what load of should here this. Why did the chicken cross the playground?. to get to the other slide!

  21. Well, these jokes are not exactly the best jokes in the world. In MY opinion, there are no best jokes because evrybody has different taste in jokes. what someone finds Hilariously funnny can actually be dead annoying to someone else.
    Great site though. Keep ’em coming!

  22. These jokes are okay. But would you guys please stop saying that you don’t like them. People worked hard to come up with these!

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