Tag: comic routines

Demetri Martin: youtube videos of Stand Up Comedian Demetri Martin telling jokes

If you haven’t seen Comedian Demetri Martin yet, you are in for a treat.  To me he seems like a cross between Stephen Wright and Jerry Seinfield. A very laidback delivery of one liners and short jokes.  He sometimes uses a chart for visual jokes, a very original and funny approach. Other times he uses his trademark guitar, and plays softly while he delivers his jokes. 

 Here are some youtube videos of some of Demetri Martin’s comic routines

 Demetri Martin Flip Chart Youtube Video

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 A second youtube video of Demetri Martin Flip Chart Visual jokes Routine, from his Comedy Central performance.

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 Demetri Martin Comedy Routine youtube video

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Another routine, for a benefit:

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 And this is him singing a song that explains where his jokes come from

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More funny quotes & jokes by stand up comedians

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe 
clippers right here.'”
    –Jerry Seinfeld

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed
    –Steven Wright

 “My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said,
‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ”
    –Paula Poundstone

 “In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?  Do tall
people burn slower?”
    –Warren Hutcherson

 “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three.”
    –Elayne Boosler

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
    –John Mendoza

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a  second.”
 –Steven Wright

“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks’ notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
    –Bob Ettinger

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
    –Conan O’Brien

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
    –Winston Spear

“Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s
how dogs spend their lives.”
    –Sue Murphy

“My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there.”
    –Ron Richards

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up 
something else.”
    –Lily Tomlin

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.”
   –David Letterman

“Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is  still
far away.”
   –Billiam Coronell

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.”
    –Rita Rudner

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
    –Lily Tomlin
“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ ”
    –Bruce Baum

“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know.
‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little
    –Garry Shandling
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
    –Paul Rodriguez

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God….I could be eating a slow learner.”
    –Lynda Montgomery

Page Topic: Funny stand up comic jokes: Best funny quotes and jokes by stand up comedians