Tag: church

Top Ten Things You Never Hear In Church Joke: List of the Top 10 Things One Never Hears in Church

Zzzzzz….snrk, huh wha? Oh yea ….amen. Church can make me sleepy at times, no offense. I grew up in a religiously church going family (no pun intended) and still go with them when I visit home. I’ve heard practically every variation of a sermon possible at this point and after a while it all just blends together. You can only here so many orations on how to love your neighbor before things fuse. For the life of me though, I swear I’ve never heard any these phrases listed below uttered in the hallowed halls of my local church. They’ve just never come up….

10. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

3. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.

2. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Check out my friend’s bible blog with some cool stuff on it.

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50 best things for non-christians to do in church joke: list of the 50 best things for non-christians to do in church

So many of us have been stuck in this situation, especially around Christmas. Going home for the holidays and you get stuck going to church as a social duty to your family. The pastor drones on and on about the same stuff you heard as a kid. You sit there, sweating slightly in the uncomfortable pew wishing you were someone else. If only your family knew that you’d fallen from the faith…. Maybe a few hints would help them learn the truth? Luckily, we have a 50 item list of excellent suggestions on how to pass on the hints.

1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: “If you’re bad in here, you’ll go to Hell.”
2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled “Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals”.
3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4.Un-tune the piano.
5.Replace the pianist’s sheet music with “Stairway to Heaven”.
6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: “Is this seat SAVED?”
8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: “Would you rather be stoned or crucified?”
10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11.Start a wave.
12.Do cool things with the lighting.
13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like “Hugh G. Rection” and “Oliver Klozoff”.
14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: “Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?”
16.Make up your own words to the songs.
17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: “Oh shit. This isn’t the wedding!” Run out quickly.
18.Eat dry Cap’n Crunch through the entire service.
19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: “IF YOU DON’T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I’LL KILL IT!!!”
20.Dress all in black, or in camo.
21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of “fire and brimstone”, throw it in.
26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher’s face.
30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you’re doing, tell them: “These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago.”
32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson’s MasterCard number.
36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: “This do in remembrance of me,” and lick them.
37.Fart, and have a friend shout: “Hark! An angel has spoken!”
38.Blow bubbles.
39.Fake a possession.
40.Distribute condoms.
41.Speak in tongues.
42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43.Drool in the collection plate.
44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word “Ministry”.
47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
49.Write on the bathroom wall: “The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!”
50.Spread the word that there’ll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

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