Some of the funniest celebrity bloopers and quotes:
Classic Arnold: â€œThe difference between Sly Stallone and me is I am me and he is him.â€ â€“ Arnold Schwarzenegger
Honorary Doctorate: â€œI have an honorary doctorate at, uh.. oh god, where is it, some college [the University of Massachusetts at Amherst].â€ â€“ Kelsey Grammer, asked on a talk show if he was really a doctor.
Up & Down: â€œIâ€™ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if Iâ€™m in a revolving door.â€ â€“ Cher
Versatile Thinker: â€œI can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side.â€ â€“ soccer star David Beckham, asked if he was a â€œvolatileâ€ player.
Bang Bang: â€œI kept saying â€˜Bang, bang!â€™ and they kept having to cut.â€ â€“ Colin Farrell on American Outlaws (2001).
Resident Physician: â€œBaywatch Medical School? â€¦ Once I saw her picture, I didnâ€™t need to see her resume!â€ â€“ Donald Trump, asked where his Mar-a-Lago clubâ€™s resident physician, Dr. Ginger Lea Southall, had done her chiropractic training.
Tiger Who? Tiger Woods was once introduced to pop doyenne Christina Aguilera. â€œOh, Christina, I love your music,â€ Tiger told her. â€œI have all your CDs.â€ Christinaâ€™s reply? â€œSorry, I donâ€™t know much about you. I donâ€™t follow tennis.â€
Golden Insult: â€œI feel like this is a dream â€“ and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.â€ â€“ Ray Romano accepting a best actor award at the 2000 Golden Globes.
Helpful Tip? â€œTry not to talk too much.â€ â€“ Simon Cowell offering fellow “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul some dating advice
Strange Compliment: â€œTheyâ€™re wonderful. Which oneâ€™s your Mom?â€ â€“ Robin Williams after local San Francisco celebrity Strange de Jim showed him a picture of his parents.
Faith and Devotion: â€œI appreciate intelligence, faithfulness and devotion in a man.â€ â€“ Playmate Victoria Zdrok explaining why she would never date Donald Trump again
Apprentice Golfer: In July 2004, shortly after the debut of â€œThe Apprentice,â€ Donald Trump played in a celebrity golf tournament. To the amusement of the gallery, he missed an easy putt on the very first hole. The galleryâ€™s response? â€œThey just stood up,â€ Carson Daly later recalled, â€œand screamed, â€˜Youâ€™re fired!â€™â€
The Handshake: Shortly after the release of Die Another Day (2002), Pierce Brosnan visited a Dublin bar to enjoy a quiet pint while he waited to have his bicycle fixed. After settling in to watch a horse race, Pierce was approached by a fellow patron who asked if he could shake his hand. Pierce graciously agreed. After shaking, the man examined his hand with a glint in his eye. â€œThis,â€ he explained, â€œis the closest Iâ€™ll ever get to Halle Berryâ€™s arse!â€
Laughter Lines: While attending a party one evening, Mick Jagger was introduced to jazz singer George Melly. â€œI didnâ€™t expect you to have so many wrinkles,â€ Melly remarked. â€œTheyâ€™re not wrinkles,â€ Mick declared. â€œTheyâ€™re laughter lines.â€ â€œReally?â€ Melly replied. â€œSurely nothing could be that funny!â€
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
– Miss Alabama, 1994 Miss USA Pageant
“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researches also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
– Mat Lauer, Today Show, NBC
“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
– Jason Kidd, Dallas Mavericks
(more sports quotes)
“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
– Charles De Gaulle, former French President
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
– Marion Barry, Washing, D.C. Mayor
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
– Dan Quayle, U.S. Vice President
Dwight Eisenhower put it, “things are more like they are now than they ever were before.”
“You can’t just let nature run wild,” said former Governor of Alaska Wally Hickel.
“The internet is a great way to get on the net.”
– Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
– Britney Spears, Pop Singer
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I’m still alive.’ But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.” California Senator Barbara Boxer.
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” Dan Quayle
In an address to the NAACP (whose slogan is “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”), however, he put his very consciousness in doubt with the message, “what a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” – Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
“That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” – A congressional candidate in Texas.
“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” – Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Phillies manager
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” – Al Gore, former Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” – Dan Quayle, former Vice President
“Hey, I’m just doing my job. It’s our job to nip at the heals of celebrities until one slips. They can’t have it both ways. If they want to be rich and famous, they gotta put up with us stalking them. We take celeb pics and they get publicity hits. It’s how this business works. We catch ’em naked and unexpected. So I’m just doing my job!”
– A paparazzi photographer, justifying to police his right to climb over the wall of a celebrity home to take pictures of an undisclosed actress swimming nude in her pool. (He was taken in, paid a small fine and was released immediately).
Thanks to J. Julian Payne, of www.anecdotage.com/v1, for some of the above quotes and stories, which can be found in her book of funny celebrity slips Celebrity Anecdotes: Funny Stories About the Stars. available in bookstores and online.
Page Topic: Funny Celebrity Bloopers