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Daily Quick Break: March 27, 2008: Dumb Jokes

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No false advertising here. These are dumb jokes. You’ve been warned.

Why was the archeologist depressed? Because his career was in ruins!

The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?” Mary immediately answered, “Seven!”

The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?”

“You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

To read the rest, go to: Dumb Jokes

Dumb Jokes

 

 

No false advertising here. These are dumb jokes. You’ve been warned.

 

 

Why was the archeologist depressed? Because his career was in ruins!

 

 

The teacher asked Mary, “If you had seven cookies and David asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?” Mary immediately answered, “Seven!”

The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?”

“You really think I would give David any of my cookies?”

 

 

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.
The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open. Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

 

 

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says…
Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

 

 

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,”I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease, it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out “Good bye, Mom” as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mom.”
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items!”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said you’d be paying for her things, too.”

 

 

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

 

 

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

 

 

Page Topic: Dumb Jokes

 

 

Really Stupid Jokes

 

 

These are some jokes that are so stupid that they’re actually funny. Sort of. In a sense. After a beer. Or two. Dozen.

 

 

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They
were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid
bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own
where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbos — after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”

 

 

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his
congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to
pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next
Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”
The people did as they were told and returned to church the
following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he
was furious.
“We can’t worship today. You do not yet believe,” he said.
“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe.”
“Believe?” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas?”

 

 

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. “Lady”, said the drunk, “that’s the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!.” As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. “What’s the matter, madam?” he asked. “I’ve just been horribly insulted” she sobbed. “There there,” said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. “Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here’s a banana for the chimp”

 

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

 

 

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he’s back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, “I think I know where I’m going wrong” he tells the dealer,
“I think I’m planting them too deep.”

 

 

Did you here about the idiot who won the ‘Tour De France’?
He did a lap of Honour!

 

 

A man was carpeting his living room, and once finished, he couldn’t find his pack of cigarettes. Then he saw the lump in the middle of the carpet. He decided he didn’t want to pull up the new carpet for one pack of smokes, so he took his hammer and pounded the lump flat. His wife came in the room just then and handed him his cigarettes.
“I found them in the kitchen,” she told him. “Now if I can just find our pet hamster.”

 

 

The man asked the doctor for birth control pills, and the doctor asked why he would need birth control. “To help me sleep better.” Birth control pills don’t help with insomnia, the doctor explained. “Yes they do,” the man insisted, “I put them in my daughter’s drink before she goes out and I sleep much better.”

 

 

Page Topic: Really Stupid Jokes