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Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms

These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren’t often continued by younger generations. But many of us have fond memories of hearing many of these funny sayings and expressions back when we were knee high to a bull frog. My grandmother used many of these old expressions even back when I was over the hill picking watermelons (before I was born).

I got a good laugh out of some of these. I hope you do to. Feel free to send in any favorites I missed.

Well that just dills my pickle!

That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.

If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.

He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.

Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!

You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!

Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.

That was faster than green grass through a goose.

She could make a preacher cuss!

Hell, she could even depress the devil.

You could start an argument in an empty house.

That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.

You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.

Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?

Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

Each one of his sermons is better than the next!

He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.

He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!

She needs some fries to go with that shake.

That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.

Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.

They’re off like a herd of turtles.

She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.

Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!

He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).

He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.

If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.

Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!

Well, slap my head and call me silly!

Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!

Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!

He’s not particularly intelligent:

The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.

If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose

He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.

He’s a little strange…

That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.

I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.

I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!

He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.

You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.

He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.

He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.

It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!

It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!

He’s not particularly handsome….

He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west

He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.

He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”

She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!

If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

“Living in sin”:

I heard they ate supper before they said grace!



Page Topic: Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms



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535 Responses to “Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms””

  1. Ashley Says:
    January 24th, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    My Ma(a Brooklyn girl turned Southern Baptist) picked this up in Tennessee;

    ‘He’s about as useful as tits on a bull!’

  2. TK Says:
    February 5th, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    Growing up in the Deep South, I’ve heard many a funny saying. I thought you might enjoy this one.
    My family always used to say it about some of the guys my cousins dragged in…lol. ” That boy looks like he’s been whooped with an ugly stick” or the alternate version ” He looks like he’s been whooped with an ugly stick…ugly stick, hell, he fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

  3. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    He was raised so far down a dirt road he thanks ASPHALT is someting wrong with your BUTT

  4. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    He is busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

  5. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    He is smiling like a mule eating briars !

  6. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    Cold as a well diggers butt in Maine !

  7. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:40 pm

    That politician is so crooked he can hide behind a cork screw !

  8. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    She is so skinney if she stuck her tongue out she would look like a zipper.

  9. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:43 pm

    He is so skinney if he drank tomato juice, he would look like a thermometer !

  10. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:46 pm

    His family tree ain’t got no branches on it.

  11. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    His family tree looks like a telephone pole !

  12. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    She is so ugley she would stop a MACK truck at 100 yards.

  13. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    The baby was so ugley that the Doctor spanked the Moma !

  14. Ruck Says:
    February 6th, 2008 at 7:55 pm

    When she walked away, it looked like to Puppies fighting in a Burlap bag.

  15. Ruck Says:
    February 19th, 2008 at 11:50 pm

    Change number 14 , It is TWO puppies not to puppies. Ruck

  16. The_Ranger Says:
    February 20th, 2008 at 10:08 am

    “Y’all’re like talkin’ to a rock.”

  17. Cory Says:
    February 20th, 2008 at 9:40 pm

    To an unattractive girl; “She’s got ten foot pole marks all over her”

    If its hot; “It’s hotter than two rats humpin’ in a wool sock”

    If he is dumb; “He’s dumber than a bag of hammers”

  18. Gary Stewart Says:
    March 11th, 2008 at 6:02 am

    She is so ugly she would make a buzzard back off from a bucket of guts.

    She would make a freight train take a dirt road.

    His teeth are so buck he could eat corn thru a picket fence.

    I am going to beat you like a red headed step child.

  19. Howie Luvzus Says:
    March 11th, 2008 at 1:04 pm

    She’s so ugly her feet wouldn’t go to bed with her!

  20. Ruck Says:
    March 12th, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    Teeth so bucked she could eat corn out of a coke bottle !

  21. Ruck Says:
    March 13th, 2008 at 5:47 am

    She was such an ugly baby her Mama had to tie a bone around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

  22. Nathalia Says:
    March 13th, 2008 at 5:22 pm

    Ok Here are a couple I picked up in GA

    “That dawg won’t hunt” – It’s not going to work
    “Short like a gnats tail”
    “Busted two sets of knee caps” – Walked too much
    “Ding Dang if That Ain’t!” – Isn’t it so
    “I’ll be darned….”

  23. P.M.BRIER third Says:
    March 19th, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    The first say’in my dad, from New Orleans, ever taught me was; “Don’t insult the alligator before you cross the stream” (he was taught and added his own;” and not at all, if you go home that way!”

  24. Anonymous Says:
    March 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    Yall/ You’re slower than maple syrup on a cold Winter’s mornin’

  25. Nicole Says:
    March 26th, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    He’s a good ol’dog, but sometimes he sh*ts to close to the porch.

    Poor Mouth or Poor Mouthin (someone who pitty parties too much)

    Dumber than a box of rocks

    Meaner than a skunk

    “Rattlin” (talk to much)

    In her skin…ie…Where is she? “In her skin when she jumps out you can jump in”

  26. Kevin Says:
    April 4th, 2008 at 8:07 pm

    Here’s one my Grandpa used to use “Sounds like a cow pissing on a flat rock” for when it’s really raining hard

  27. Darlene Says:
    April 5th, 2008 at 11:46 am

    “He ain’t got no dawg in that fight.” Meaning it’s none of his business.

  28. Marti Says:
    April 8th, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    I’m serious as a haert attack!
    Yer Lyin and yer feet don’t match!

  29. Cinni Says:
    April 15th, 2008 at 6:49 am

    He’s so skinney..looks like he swaped legs with a wasp and got cheated out of the stinger!

    Scarce as hens teeth

    What is that?….It’s a lay over to catch meddlers

    If wishes were horses…beggars would ride

    What goes over the back comes back under the belly

    He’s windy as a fartin’ coon!

    He’s loose as a goose s*#&in’ by moonlite
    Useless as tits on a boar showe

  30. Cinni Says:
    April 15th, 2008 at 6:56 am

    Well honey..looks like you came to a goat’s house for wool!(wanting something someone doesn’t have)

    Looks like socks on a rooster! (frilly socks on skinny legs)

    Want in one had…spit in the other…see which fills up first

    Gone to hell in a handbasket

  31. youric Says:
    April 20th, 2008 at 9:45 am

    Ain’t nothing open after midnight, but legs.

  32. Randall Says:
    April 21st, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    If you walk in the pasture’s long enough, your bound to step in shit. (hanging with the wrong crowd)

  33. Tad Says:
    April 23rd, 2008 at 8:12 am

    That’s so good tastin’ it’ll make your tongue slap your brains out!!!

  34. Stephanie(Toledo) Says:
    April 24th, 2008 at 7:51 am

    have an understandin and make sure its understood. old men/women will give you worms. someone too old or too young for you will shame you. you play with a puppy he will lick yo face. Don’t buy no man no shoes cause he’ll kick you in your behind and walk out on you with them. God don’t need no help. misery loves company. you mad? scratch your a** and get glad.if you lay down with dogs you’ll will get up with fleas. theres no fool like an old fool.

  35. Ruck Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 12:32 am

    I am busier than a set of jumper cables at Redneck picnic !

  36. kenny Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 11:07 am

    busier than a three peckered billygoat at a sheep breeding contest.

  37. Ruck Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:51 pm

    She is too old. I like a gal where her skin fits a little better.

  38. Ruck Says:
    May 1st, 2008 at 6:54 pm

    Are her legs that skinny or is she riding a “Chicken”

  39. Tonya Says:
    May 14th, 2008 at 5:01 pm

    He’s the spittin’ image of his daddy!
    This actually came from a phrase used in the civil war era that was badly mangled by the slaves blending their native speach patterns with english spoken Southern style. The correct phrasing is, “He’s the spirit and image of his father”.

  40. Tonya Says:
    May 14th, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    I’magoodamy to do it.
    The original phrasing is, “I’m of a good mind” to do it.

  41. Myrsal Says:
    May 27th, 2008 at 2:47 pm

    your makin a mountain out of an ant hill

  42. Ruck Says:
    May 31st, 2008 at 12:08 am

    My Daddy use to tell me. “Son, ain’t nobody out at that time a night but burglers and bad women”/

  43. Ruck Says:
    May 31st, 2008 at 12:12 am

    If brains were cotton, she wouldn’t have enough to make a Kotex for a flea !

  44. nk Says:
    June 2nd, 2008 at 6:28 pm

    1. he could tear up a steel ball.
    2. ill knock you into next week
    3. we are on the dance floor but cant see the microphone
    4. she’ll bite your head off
    5. your meaner that a rattle snake
    6. you better shut up or ill knock the shit out of you

  45. SIKNIK Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 6:18 am

    as a biker;

    He’s about as usefull as an ashtray on a motorbike!

  46. SIKNIK Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 6:20 am

    not quite so fitting but im sure this pages audience will apprieciate ne way;

    Remember you are unique, just like everbody else!

  47. Ruck Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 7:07 am

    You are rude, crude, grossly unattractive, your feet stink, your Mother makes your clothes and you don’t love your Jesus. ( Big loser )

  48. Ruck Says:
    June 11th, 2008 at 7:11 am

    He lives so far back in the country, he thinks a VOLVO is a woman’s body part.

  49. Thehuge83 Says:
    June 18th, 2008 at 2:45 am

    You’re about as useful as a rubber crutch

  50. Randall Says:
    June 20th, 2008 at 10:50 am

    They call him “blister” because he does’nt show up until the work is finished. (LAZY)

  51. Randall Says:
    June 20th, 2008 at 10:52 am

    You are so lazy, if you had a 3rd hand, you would need a pocket to put it in.

  52. kyle Says:
    June 22nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    he was madder than fire

  53. kyle Says:
    June 22nd, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    heres one my boss used to alwasy say “youins”. its used the same way yall would be but you say it like you + ins all smashed together.

  54. Andrew Says:
    June 27th, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    I’m sweatin’ like a dog shittin’ peach seeds!

  55. belanger Says:
    June 28th, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    my grandfather used to often say “You’re drivin me up the wall” i always got a mental picture and thought it was hilarious.

  56. Frenchy, TN Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 8:59 am

    Well, I’ve been living in Tennessee for four years, and I’ve heard all king of good expressions:
    - We’re off like a herd of turtle on peanut butter!
    - He could fall in a barrel of sh*t and come out smelling like a rose
    - Give me some sugar.
    - I’m freezing my tail off
    - Like a ‘coon in the wood
    - It is so good, it makes you want to slap your momma!

    I’ve heard many more from my dixie wife and her southern family, but I reckon I can’t recall ‘em all.

  57. Mary Says:
    July 18th, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    When a guy looked hungover, somewhat weary or on drugs, my mom would say “His eyes looked like two piss-holes in a snowbank.”

  58. christy Says:
    July 23rd, 2008 at 7:29 pm


    IM gonna throw u in the paddy wagon little mister

    August 1st, 2008 at 9:08 am

    When someone looks sick or worn out:
    You look like you’ve been rode hard and put away wet.
    The reference is a horse — nothing dirty.

  60. Scott Says:
    August 1st, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    Crazier than a run over dog.

  61. Kiki Says:
    August 18th, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    “You look like a cat having Diareah on a busy dirt road!”

  62. Adrienne Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 7:43 am

    Tighter than a frog’s ass.

    Knee-high to a grasshopper.

    A fruitloop shy of a whole bowl.

    Two eggs short of a breakfast.

  63. Slicer Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 1:21 pm

    Regarding two people that hate each other:

    They’re like two cheeks on an ass, the only thing they have in common is a fart.

  64. ronnie Says:
    August 19th, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    you couldnt catch a catfish in a coffee cup

  65. Nanney Says:
    August 20th, 2008 at 9:31 pm

    Smilin’ like a possum eatin’ grapes
    Greener than goose sh*t
    Gotta piss like a pregnant camel

  66. LF Says:
    August 21st, 2008 at 11:47 am

    Well ah.. Suwannee!

  67. Allie Says:
    September 10th, 2008 at 10:45 am

    Hot enough to fry an egg.
    There’s more n’ one way ta skin a cat.
    You best mind me.
    Ima skin you alive.
    Well butter my but and call me a biscuit.
    Quit bein’ ugly.
    Slower than molasses in January.
    I’m so angry I could spit(nails).
    Madder than a wet hornet.
    Mind your P’s and Q’s.
    God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason.
    Keep it up and you’re gonna get a switchin.
    Most of these are attributed to my great-grandmother, and the others to my grandmother, my hero.

  68. saintchuck Says:
    September 16th, 2008 at 10:59 am

    I’m in need of colorful Southern expressions that mean something like “I’m gonna put all my cards on the table,” and “Faster than… (whatever, such as,
    “Faster than a hound’ll suck an egg!”)


  69. Tx Says:
    September 21st, 2008 at 8:45 am

    Well spit in the fire and call the dogs.

  70. Jenny in Kentucky Says:
    September 24th, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    “It’s hotter than an hootenanny.” – (A hootenanny is a barn dance.)

    “It’s hotter than a bitch in heat.”
    “It’s colder than a witch’s tit.”
    “It’s like trying to put a dress on a worm.” (meaning something is difficult to do)
    “Shit or get off the pot.” (Hurry up and do something or forget about it.)
    “He looks like his face caught fire and someone put it out with a pitchfork.” (he’s ugly)
    “Gayer than a two dollar bill.”

  71. Jenny in Kentucky Says:
    September 24th, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    “Nobody here but us chickens.” (we’re all alone)

    “We hoofed it.” (We were moving fast/hurrying.)

    “I’m touching cotton.” (I’ve got to use the bathroom really badly.)

    “Have to piss like a Russian race horse.” (have to pee really badly.)

  72. CUMMINGS IN TN Says:
    October 17th, 2008 at 12:47 am

    Old saying when your getting in trouble “I am gonna skin your neck and run your leg through it !’

  73. Ruck Says:
    October 19th, 2008 at 8:16 pm

    He is acting crazier than a “sprayed roach” !

  74. BrittanyTN Says:
    October 21st, 2008 at 11:50 am

    My uncle used to always say “I could stand flat footed and piss over a dump truck” meanin he’s gotta go bad

  75. Anonymous Says:
    October 21st, 2008 at 10:16 pm

    When referring to someone of good character: “He’s good people.”

    To express surprise:”Good-NIGHT!” “Great day!” or :Great day in the mornin!”

    “Who do you favor?” (Which of your relatives do you look like?

    “Where do you fall?” (in your line of siblings e.g. Oldest, youngest, middle child)

    To describe where one is staying: “He’s over to ____’s”

    Unkempt hair= kitchen

    Something favorable = the cat’s pajamas

    Something inferior = can’t cut mustard

  76. jpbrunner Says:
    November 4th, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Here’s a few…

    Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm.
    Tighter than a hawks ass in a nosedive.

    Like trying to get fly shit off a pinhead with boxing gloves on.

  77. Jenni Says:
    November 5th, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    My PawPaw couldn’t stand a lazy person. He’d say stuff like, “That boy wouldn’t work in a pie factory, afraid he’d get full and have to quit. and my favorite was, ” that boy wouldn’t holler sooey if the hogs was eatin’ eem.

  78. Beka~TN Says:
    November 6th, 2008 at 8:25 am

    “It’s colder than a witches titty in a brass bra”

    “It’s hotter than forty hells”

    “I’m sweatin’ like a $2 whore in Church”

    “I feel like a bag of smashed a$$holes”

    “i feel like i’ve been ate by a wolf and sh*t of a cliff” (used usually when you’re hungover)

    “Does a bear sh*t in the woods?” (when you’re refering to something that’s true)

    “He doesn’t know his head from his a$$”

    “Just cut your shamer off and feed it to the chickens” (basically that guilt isn’t helpful)

    “SWeet mother of all that is Good and Holy!”

    “Well slap me silly and call me _____!”

  79. Jaspar Says:
    November 12th, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    Going to church dos not make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

  80. Chopper Says:
    November 18th, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    From my Okie born (1917) and Okie bred mother:”As stubborn as a blue-nose mule” and “As busy as a cranberry merchant”.

  81. KT Says:
    November 19th, 2008 at 11:43 am

    Jenny: The expression is “Queerer than a THREE dollar bill” meaning something that is strange or unusual, because there IS such a thing as a two dollar bill. I have several of them XD

    “Busier than a one-armed paper hanger”- really busy

    “More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs”- extremely nervous

    “Not the sharpest spoon in the drawer”- extraordinarly dumb (because there’s no such thing as a sharp SPOON)

    “A few grains short of a full silo”- quite strange

    “A bit left of center”- a little strange

    “Couldn’t find his rear with his hands in his back pockets”- dumb

    “Shallower than spit in a paper towel”- referencing someone who is superficial or something that is very shallow

    “An ounce of prevention’s worth a pound of cure”- take care of business before it gets out of hand

    “Drier than lizard spit on a hot rock”- really dry; compliments of old folk in my family XD

  82. Cajunkent Says:
    November 19th, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    Don’t set that bowl on your head or your tongue will slap your brains out to get at it.

    That gumbo will make a Chihuahua break a chain.

    That’s the worst taste I’ve had in my mouth with the lights on!

    That tastes like eatin’ a lard sandwich in a outhouse.

    It’s on like a chicken bone!

  83. Barbi Says:
    November 20th, 2008 at 9:51 am

    It’s hotter than a donkey’s a$$ in a pepper patch

  84. Jan Says:
    November 28th, 2008 at 11:33 am

    lower than a worms belly in a wagon rut(for someone feeling bad or poorly)

  85. Katie Says:
    December 2nd, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    he’s just a hole in search of a donut

  86. Tom Says:
    December 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 am

    He’s poorer than Job’s turkey.

  87. Ty Says:
    December 4th, 2008 at 2:26 pm

    Sweatin’ like a hooker on nickel night

  88. Ty Says:
    December 5th, 2008 at 11:08 am

    Nuttier than squirrel shit.

  89. Ty Says:
    December 5th, 2008 at 11:09 am

    That smell could knock a buzzard off a gut truck.

  90. Tim Says:
    December 5th, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    Drunker than Hogans goat
    Fit to be tied
    F#[email protected] up as a football bat
    Dumb as a soup sandwich
    madder than an old wet hen
    Busier than a 2-bit whore on nickel night

  91. sally Says:
    December 7th, 2008 at 1:27 am

    i live in the south and ive heard this a couple times- “your face looks like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a jack hammer.”

    haha. i like that one.
    oh and for the dumb people out there, it means your UGLY!

  92. sally Says:
    December 7th, 2008 at 1:31 am

    “i have to piss like a race horse”

    i say that sometimes. lol

  93. o.r. original redneck Says:
    December 8th, 2008 at 12:11 am

    that girls hotter then a 2 dollar pistol

    *&%^ fire save the matches

    hello hand (talkin to a dumb person who dont listen)

    countin your chickens before they’re hatched

    you look the south end of a north bound cow

  94. Ma Beastie Says:
    December 8th, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    Shit fire and save matches!
    Queer as a football bat
    Assin’ around
    Too lazy to scratch his own ass
    Goin’ around your ass to get to your elbow (going the long way to get somewhere, and not because it’s the scenic route)
    I’m fixin’ to show you what a whuppin’ is all about! (I’m about to beat your butt like it’s never been beaten before)
    Pretty is as pretty does.
    He’d argue with a wall as long as it’d stand there and take it.
    If it was in your ass you’d know! (In response to “Where is the ___?”)
    Bless her heart/bless her buttons! (Usually after saying something like “she’s ugly as homemade sin” or “her blood is pink from ‘shine” (moonshine))
    Jesus loves him, but he’s the only one.
    He could talk the ears off an elephant!
    He’s like a mule halfway home after plowin’ all day. (You’re not going to change his mind or his path.)
    She’s pretty as a pumpkin and half as smart.
    If that boy was any smarter we’d have to water him every week.

  95. will sc Says:
    December 9th, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    its hotter than a three d*&$ed dog

  96. Carly Says:
    December 11th, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    Get your straw out of my kool aid(mind your own business)

    make like a tree and leave(leave)

    flake off(go away)

    when someone says “there are starving kids in Africa, eat your food” say then ship it to them

    who put grummpy in ur cereal this morning(grummpy)

    when someone says “wats up”say UR CHOLESTERAL!!!!

    I broke the theremometer(im really sick)

    when someone says can i have_____ say sure i’ll pull it out my butt

  97. Morgan Says:
    December 12th, 2008 at 8:21 pm

    “He wouldn’t have the sense to pour piss out of a boot with directions on the bottom”

    “Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first”

  98. Denise Says:
    December 14th, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    Busier than a one armed paperhanger with the crabs.

    Heard the geece fart in the water before. (smart)

  99. Texas Tuit Says:
    December 19th, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    She was so ugly when she was born,our momma used to borrow a baby to take to church on Sunday.

    He’s so skinny he has to run around in the shower too get wet.

    He’s so mean, he’d bite himself.

    It’s so dry, the Baptist are sprinkling and the Methodist are using a damp washcloth.

    It’s raining so hard the animals are starting to pair up.

    I’ve been to two goat ropin’s and a county fair and I ain’t seen nothin’ like this.

    Raisin’ kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken.

    She’s so fat, it takes two dogs to bark at her.

  100. Texas Tuit Says:
    December 20th, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    “Son, if it’s got tits or tires, your’re gonna have trouble with it”

  101. BB Says:
    December 27th, 2008 at 9:12 am

    Dilly as the day is long.

    Where does that expression come from and what does it mean?

  102. chris Says:
    December 29th, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    Pot calling the kettle black.

  103. chris Says:
    December 29th, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    Jam up and jelly tight

  104. chris Says:
    December 29th, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    Fit to be tied

  105. TexasTuit Says:
    December 29th, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    He was so ugly when he was born, his Momma carried him upsidedown for a year thinking he had only one eye.

  106. David Says:
    December 31st, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.

    I heard this one from a teacher I had who was from Tennessee. It means that a lucky person can get the right answer, even though they have no idea how to solve the problem (or even though their methods are invalid).

  107. Caleb Says:
    January 2nd, 2009 at 12:10 am

    My great grandma always says, “Why. It got so mad I could shit a squealin worm.

  108. Joey Says:
    January 2nd, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Colder than a cast iron commode on the shady side of an iceberg.

    I remember when he was knee high to a grasshopper.

  109. Lea Says:
    January 7th, 2009 at 3:30 am

    What does the following expression mean?: She always had a hair in her bonnet.

  110. TexasTuit Says:
    January 12th, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    “It’s raining so hard the animals are starting to pair up.”
    “He’s mean enough to bite himself.”
    “She was so ugly when she was born, her Momma used to borrow a baby to take to church on Sunday.”
    “It was so crowded that you couldn’t cuss the cat without getting fur in your mouth”
    “He’s so skinny, he has to run around in the shower to get wet”
    “His pants were so tight that if he farted, he’d blow his boots off”

  111. Brad Says:
    January 14th, 2009 at 5:35 am

    It’s raining so hard that it’s like a cow pissing on a flat rock!!

  112. TexasTuit Says:
    January 17th, 2009 at 10:29 am

    “We were so poor growing up, we used to go down to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers”
    “My ol’ grandpa used to say, “Son, if it’s got tits or tires, sooner or later you’re gonna have trouble with it.”
    “I’m so poor that if it cost a nickle to go around the world, I couldn’t get out of sight.”
    After eating something spicy, my ol’ grandpa used to say “I’m gonna have to shit in the creek to keep from setting the woods on fire.”

  113. Down in Kentucky Says:
    January 24th, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Things my Mom used to say…

    1. “Her teeth are so bucked that girl could eat corn through a picket fence.”

    2. grinning like a possum eat’n sh#t

    3. Crookeder than a dogs hind leg

    4. Who put a bee in her bonnet?

    5. Happier than a hound on a gut wagon.

    and many many more. I’ve often thought of writing them down. Some were so unique that I never heard anyone else use them.

  114. Redbird Says:
    February 4th, 2009 at 9:44 am

    My grandma used to say “What goes over the Devil’s back comes back over his belly.”
    “Those wise decisions you make when you’re young are those foolish ones you’ll live with when your old.”
    “When poverty comes in the front door, love goes out the back.”
    “If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his butt.”
    “A dog that will bring a bone, will carry a bone.”

  115. TexasTuit Says:
    February 5th, 2009 at 11:47 am

    “Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken”
    “He’s so skinny, his pants had only one back pocket”
    “She’s so fat, it takes two dogs to bark at her”
    Positive attitude – “He’s the kind of guy, that if he fell into a pile of horse shit, he’d start looking for a pony”

  116. snuffy_in_ark Says:
    February 5th, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Wilder than a peach orchard boar.

    Wound up tighter than Dick’s hat band.

  117. David Says:
    February 9th, 2009 at 11:33 am

    they live out in plum damn!

    meaning plum out of the county damn near out of the state

  118. Josh Says:
    February 12th, 2009 at 8:22 am

    These are from the Florida panhandle where I was born and raised. The first few are credited to my dad…

    If a grasshopper carried a 45, the birds wouldn’t mess with him. (after someone uses an “if” excuse)

    If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his a** whenever he hopped. (same)

    Credited to an ond highschool party buddy –

    I’m so slick I can stand on my head in the bathtub naked and stack greased B.B.s with boxing gloves on. (one of my favorites lol)

    Anonymous –

    He’s dumber than owl sh*t.

    He’s so tight you could shove a quarter up his a** and he’d grind it into a dime. (being cheap)

  119. David-Taylor Says:
    February 15th, 2009 at 12:30 am

    Lea, the phrase is actually that somebody’s got a “bee in their bonnet.” which means that they’re awful angry over somethin’. I don’t feel like putting a lot, but a few include,
    “It’s hotter than two possums makin’ love in a wool sock.”
    “It’s hotter than a nun out here!”
    “I’m just as fine as froghair!”
    “I feel fatter than a possum stuck in a fence hole.”
    “He/She’s just as cute as a bug’s butt!” (they’re really cute. usually referring to a little kiddo)

  120. jo Says:
    February 22nd, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    garbled: did you eat yet > didya eat yit > djaeetyit

  121. Niki from NC Says:
    February 23rd, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    “Well I be John Brown” (surprised)
    “we in the short rows” (almost finished)

  122. Niki from NC Says:
    February 23rd, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    “She’s lost as last years Easter egg”
    “Hangin in there like a hair in a biscuit”
    “Oh shine!” (surprise)
    “I do all I can and the easy ones twice”

  123. Niki from NC Says:
    February 23rd, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    “I done told you fifty eleven times”
    “I’m fair to middlin”
    “We’ll be leaving around noon-thirty”
    “She went to shit and the hogs ate ‘er”
    “Looka here!” (listen to me)
    “Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out” (get out)
    “pop a squat” (sit down)
    “Well look what the cats dragged in”

  124. John Says:
    February 26th, 2009 at 3:42 am

    My dad used to always say when someone asked him how he was doing, “Fine as froghair, and twice as jumpy”

  125. David Blankenship Says:
    March 17th, 2009 at 7:39 am

    “She’d scare a haint up a thorn tree.” (Ugly girl)
    “He’s so skinny he has to run around in the shower to get wet.”

  126. peep Says:
    March 19th, 2009 at 12:52 am

    You don’t have the sense God gave a chigger!

    In case you didn’t know, a chigger is a little grass bug that buries its head in your skin before suffocating.

  127. J.B. Says:
    March 19th, 2009 at 10:32 am

    referring to someone with bad aim…
    he couldn’t hit the water if he fell out of a boat!

  128. Brock Says:
    March 20th, 2009 at 9:25 am

    The rain is coming down like a double cocked bull peeing on a flat rock!

  129. G. W. Says:
    March 29th, 2009 at 11:01 am

    If you’re gonna run with the big dogs, you got to learn how to pee in the tall grass!
    (Don’t get in over your head)

  130. Andrew Says:
    April 3rd, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Growin up in Virginia, my father would always say

    “You look like a monkey humpin a football”

    when I was having trouble carrying something or confused.

  131. Cuntry Says:
    April 6th, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    “she’s about a half a bubble off plum” (not quite right)

    “you ken put your boots in the oven – but that don’t mak’em biscuits” (when someone tells a lie)

  132. philip Says:
    April 7th, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    id rather have a broke back in hell

  133. David D Says:
    April 11th, 2009 at 1:22 am

    When something doesn’t matter: “It’s six of one, half a dozen of another. Which means, one is about as long as the other is short : )

    When your girl says she’s leaving ya: Don’t let the door knob hit ya where the good lord split ya.

    Someone ugly: That poor boy’s uglier than a mud fence and it dabbed with tadpoles!

    Someone who talks too much: Her tongue was tied in the middle and loose at both ends.

    Someone slow: That poor boy’s so slow, it would take him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes

    I better run now, cuz I’m busier than Rosanne Barr on a bag of Cheetos

  134. Anonymous Says:
    April 14th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    its a funny song , i like the words (y):]
    But it drags on to long and it gets a bit boring afta a bit (n) :[ x

  135. adan s Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 1:14 am

    I’m sweetier than a porn star on a hot day between satin sheets!

  136. Bill Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 6:13 am

    Crying like a pine knot in a sawmill

  137. Bill Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 11:03 am

    My wife is so cold when she spreads her legs the furnace kits on.

  138. Bill Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 4:26 am

    He was so nervous he was shaking like a .50 cent ladder.

  139. Giggity Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 7:20 am

    this is so funny

  140. Jaspar Says:
    April 18th, 2009 at 8:54 am

    this is something I heard from my auntie once

    birdie birdie flying high dropped a message from the sky angry farmer wiped his eye and said what a good job cows can’t fly

  141. mw Says:
    April 21st, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Im fixin’ to give you a knuckle sandwitch (I’m going to hit you)

  142. mw Says:
    April 21st, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    She can burn water(can’t cook)

  143. Lou Says:
    May 7th, 2009 at 11:24 am

    He’s tightern bark on a tree. (He’s cheap)

  144. Justin Says:
    May 22nd, 2009 at 9:32 am

    “The devil’s beating his wife.”

    (means it’s raining while the sun is shining. happens a lot during the summertime in the deep south. I work with guy from New York. He was down here in the Baton Rouge office one day, and I made that comment during a summer shower, and he didn’t get it. I had to explain it to him over and over and he was still confused. In case you’re a Yankee reading this I will explain once more: The sun represents the devil, and the rain represents tears. Thus, “the devil’s beatin his wife.” And I can’t believe southerners are the ones who gets the “stupid” stereotype.)

  145. Justin Says:
    May 22nd, 2009 at 9:35 am

    Ooops… I made an error in my previous comment when I said “Yankee”, for there is no such term in the South. “Damn Yankee” was what I meant.

  146. Chaz Says:
    May 23rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    “Tougher then a $2 steak” (something’s tough)
    “It’s like trying to put a g-string on an alligator” (Something’s hard)

  147. trevor Says:
    May 31st, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    That boy had about the same chance as a fart in a whirlwind That really tourques my jaw Im ganna count to three and if you dont get over here im ganna count to ten

  148. Cristy Says:
    June 16th, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    I’m from Georgia and there are a whole lot of sayings we use in regular conversations that aren’t really funny but that most Yankees don’t understand.
    “I’ve got a blue million things to do today.” or “We’ve got a blue million of those.” It just means a great many.
    “I’m starting to get ill.” this does not mean you are getting sick. It just means you are getting angry/frustrated.
    “They’re sitting in tall cotton.” meaning that they are wealthy.
    “Don’t get your knickers in a twist.” don’t get riled up over nothing.
    we also use the word “coke” for any and all sodas, even if it is a pepsi or sprite or other flavor. It is still a “coke.”

  149. Cristy Says:
    June 16th, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    and also, forty eleven can mean the same as blue million. As in, “I’ve got forty eleven things to do today.”

  150. Cristy Says:
    June 16th, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    When you “cotton on” to something it means you understand it. As in “She didn’t cotton on to my sarcasm.”

  151. Laurie Says:
    June 17th, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    My favorite to use.. IT’s an Alabama thing:

    Too much Sugar For A Dime!!!


    You Don’t Believe a Cow Horns A Hook!!

  152. Ruck Says:
    June 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    He was so nervous, he could thread a sewing machine while it was running.

  153. Ruck Says:
    June 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    You wait—that Gal is gonna drop him like a Hot Rock

  154. lisa from esat Tn. Says:
    June 26th, 2009 at 10:14 am

    I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church on Sunday.

    It’ two degrees hotter than the hinges of Hell.

    You better get left cos’ you aint’ right.

    WHEN SOME SAYS THEY MIGHT?…. A GOOD I’VE HEARD FOR YEARS is….. Mites don’t fly this time of the year.

    Duller than a bag of hammers.


    The 10th of never. or When Satan goes iceskatin’ in Hell.

    Another Fav of mine another Smart A%* remark when someone ask you will I want……
    Sometimes I’ll say “Well people in Hell want ice water too and that aint’ goin happen either.”

    If a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass-a-hoppin’

  155. tnstan Says:
    July 5th, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    if u want something
    “ya and i bet people in hell like some air conditioning too”

    convicing person
    “he could sell ice to an eskmo”
    “he could sell firewood in hell”

  156. chaun Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    gag a maggot off a gut wagon (as gross as it gits)

  157. Peyton Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    I love using these for my family members that live in the north. Them damn yankees

  158. yogi Says:
    July 9th, 2009 at 4:17 am

    144… Justin… in the South we do differentiate between Yankees and Damn Yankees……. Yankees come to visit, Damn Yankees come to stay!

  159. Gladi8er Says:
    July 9th, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    Can’t remember where I heard this one and I hope I am saying it right;

    “Don’t let that bulldog mouth over-run that puppydog ass.”

    I assume it means; don’t talk trash/run your mouth, knowing you going to get your ass kicked. If this is incorrect, someone correct me please.

  160. Anne Nance Says:
    July 11th, 2009 at 2:04 am

    That boy is wound up like a cheap alarm clock

  161. Anne Nance Says:
    July 11th, 2009 at 2:05 am

    When sonmeone says they “might” do somethng, my Louisiana husbann says, “Mites stay on a chicken’s ass.”

  162. Hamey-isms Says:
    July 16th, 2009 at 7:59 am

    “He’s so crooked when he dies… They will have to screw him in the ground!”

  163. Rachel Kirkland Says:
    July 22nd, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    “The only way to tell if a girl is a true football fan is for her to be able to tell all the player’s apart by the their butt."

  164. pete Says:
    July 22nd, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    “Great Day in the Morning” (a polite exclamation that replaces “God Damn It”

    “Boy, I will walk a mud hole in you and stomp it dry” (a threat always made by my elementary school teacher)

    “I will be all over you like white on rice” (same teacher)

    “Tits on a Boar Hog” (something useless)

  165. Jill Says:
    July 23rd, 2009 at 11:19 am

    I look like I was sent for and couldn’t go. (I look bad)

  166. Ruck Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    Them two old maids. One was trying to diet and the other was dying to try it.

  167. Toni Says:
    August 5th, 2009 at 8:00 am

    I am as happy as a clam at high tide.

  168. Toni Says:
    August 5th, 2009 at 8:03 am

    Joking around:
    I am just joshin’ you.
    I am just pullin’ you pud.
    I am just chokin’ your chicken.

  169. Julie Says:
    August 7th, 2009 at 9:04 am

    It’s hotter than a fritter!

    She’s finer than hair on a frog!

    You’re prettier than a spotted heifer in a pansy patch!

    You could just charm the dew right off of a honey suckle.

  170. Megan Says:
    August 8th, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    beat it to fit and paint it to match :)

  171. Megan Says:
    August 8th, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    what the samhill is goin’ on?

  172. Megan Says:
    August 8th, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    well i’ll be ((surprised))

  173. Megan Says:
    August 8th, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    ’bout tickled me to death ((something thats funny))

  174. AusTex Paul Says:
    August 12th, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    “You can put a porcupine in a wood chipper, but you will not make maple syrup.”

  175. Emma Says:
    August 14th, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    “that went over like a pregnant polevaulter”
    “good Lord willin’ and the creeks don’t rise”

  176. cj Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 1:03 am

    the mosquitos in lousiana are so big , they can stand flat foot and screw a chicken!

  177. Cooper Says:
    August 28th, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    Sh*ttin in tall cotton
    Ain’t got a lick of sense past a bisquits please
    Break a few eggs to make an omelet
    Sh*t the bed and clean it up tomorrow
    Greener than grass

  178. Anonymous Says:
    September 1st, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    im so hongry my guts a rubbin a blister on my backbone

  179. Doc Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    I’m goin’ to be on you quicker than a duck on a Junebug.

    Joke: A Texas couple were stuck in an airport with a couple from New York after their flight was cancelled. The Texas woman asked the New York woman, “Where ya’ll from?” The New York woman replied, “Where we are from we don’t end our sentences with a preposition!” To which the Texas woman replied, “Oh well, where ya’ll from b**ch?”

  180. DJ Says:
    September 9th, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    A couple from my TN family:
    “She don’t know whether she’s washing or hanging out!”
    “I ate so much, I feel like a tick about to pop”

  181. Kilala Says:
    September 18th, 2009 at 2:21 am

    “uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits”

  182. Ken Says:
    September 19th, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    “I am just plum tired” LOL, I’ve said it myself a time or two…

  183. Thalia Says:
    September 22nd, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    When disciplining someone ” I’m going to paint your back porches red if you keep talkin like that!”

  184. Todd Says:
    September 28th, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    I am as tired as a cucumber in a convent

  185. Kara Says:
    October 1st, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    my dad used to say my mom could “tear up a steel ball with a rubber hammer” also if someone was a notorious liar he’d say “someone else calls his dog”

  186. The Mayor Says:
    October 2nd, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Finer than hair on a frogs rear, cuter than a speckeled pup , dumb as a box of rocks, slicker than butter on a marble , now you’re cooking with wesson oil ,i’m going to jerk a knot in your tail ,

  187. The Mayor Says:
    October 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    its raining like pouring piss out out a boot

  188. The Mayor Says:
    October 2nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    fixin means i’m about to do something , happy as a hog in slop, i’m going to whip you like cornbread batter

  189. The Mayor Says:
    October 2nd, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    soda or pop = coke or a dope
    grocery bag = a sack or a poke
    shopping cart = a buggy
    mowing the lawn= cutting grass
    garden hose = hosepipe
    BBQ = pork
    tea = always sweet(there is no place for unsweetened in the south)

  190. Cody Says:
    October 12th, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    yall r funny lol

  191. Anonymous Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    raining like cats and dogs

  192. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    hotter than a nanny goat in a pepper patch!

  193. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    Right smart = sufficient amount

  194. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Countrier than cornbread!

  195. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    Slicker than snot on a door knob!

  196. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    “Madder” than a hornet!

  197. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    Honey, I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

  198. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:56 pm


  199. Casey Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Colder than a witches tit!

  200. The Avenger Says:
    October 20th, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    If you follow a woman uphill hopefully she is properly attired.

  201. The Avenger Says:
    October 20th, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    It’s like eating a pumpkin on Sunday and watching the crows fly.

  202. The Avenger Says:
    October 20th, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    brighter than a bees bum

  203. The Avenger Says:
    October 20th, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    The puppy who barks the loudest gets the mints.

  204. The Avenger Says:
    October 20th, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Too many old people spoil the view

  205. The Avenger Says:
    October 20th, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    I’m as lucky as a gardener in the weeds.

  206. The Avenger Says:
    October 20th, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    She is so smart, even her teachers play chess with her.

  207. Haystack Says:
    October 25th, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Dumb as rocks.

    She’s hotter than the sun, but not as bright.

  208. anonymous Says:
    October 26th, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    I’m from West Tennessee

    “Well, that just frosts my ankles!”
    “Aww bear’s ankle!”
    “dad-burn” it or that “dad-burned” “dad-gum it” or “dad-gum” “cotton-pickin’” (all used as adjectives something that is frustrates you)
    I “reckon” instead of I guess
    I’m “fixin” to do something
    I’m sweatin like a whore in church
    How’s yur momma an’ ‘em?
    I’m in hog heaven!
    I could just ring his neck!
    He’s runnin’ around like a chicken with it’s head cut off
    (both refer to how they used to kill chickens)
    You’re grinnin’ like a possom
    I got way-laid(knocked over)
    they’ll have a hay day with that(fun)
    mean as a goose/wild goose chase
    and we pronounce the word “aunt” the same as “ain’t”

  209. Anonymous Says:
    October 28th, 2009 at 7:44 am

    just because there is a rat in the barn does’nt mean you need to burn it down.

  210. Deb Says:
    October 29th, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    It tastes so bad ya gotta lick the cat’s A$$ to get the taste outta yer mouth

  211. Beau Regard Says:
    October 30th, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Ugly as a box of frogs

  212. Super Honey Says:
    November 3rd, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    From friends in North Carolina and South Carolina:

    That’s worth about as much as a fart in a bucket.

    She’s/He’s totin’ the high leg (think this means acting up or being spastic or struttin’ her/his stuff) not sure

  213. john broyles Says:
    November 3rd, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    I feel like a billy goat ate me and shit me off a cliff…(hungover)</