Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms

These are actual expressions, primarily from the Southern United States. Many of these colloquialisms are fading away, as they aren’t often continued by younger generations. But many of us have fond memories of hearing many of these funny sayings and expressions back when we were knee high to a bull frog. My grandmother used many of these old expressions even back when I was over the hill picking watermelons (before I was born).

I got a good laugh out of some of these. I hope you do to. Feel free to send in any favorites I missed.

Well that just dills my pickle!

That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe!

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.

If you don’t stop I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.

He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin contest!

She was so tall if she fell down she would be halfway home.

He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.

Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!

You’re lyin’ like a no-legged dog!

Excuses are like backsides. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.

That was faster than green grass through a goose.

She could make a preacher cuss!

Hell, she could even depress the devil.

You could start an argument in an empty house.

That coffee’s strong enough to float an iron wedge.

You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.

Why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?

Our preacher’s as full of wind as a corn-eating horse.

Each one of his sermons is better than the next!

He’s so windy he could blow up an onion sack.

He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in!

She needs some fries to go with that shake.

That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.

Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier.

They’re off like a herd of turtles.

She’s resting in peace in the marble orchard.

Well, don’t you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!

He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
(yeah, my great, great grandfather used to say that one when he was a boy).

He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.

If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug.

Well, if that don’t put pepper in the gumbo!

Well, slap my head and call me silly!

Well tie me to a pig and role me in the mud!

Well tie me to an anthill and fill my ears with jam!

He’s not particularly intelligent:

The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.

If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose

He’s so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t piss his name in the snow.

He’s a little strange…

That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.

I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.

I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

He’s acting crazier than a sprayed roach!

He’s so rich, he buys a new boat each time one gets wet.

You’ve got champagne taste with a beer pocketbook.

He’s tighter than a flea’s ass over a rain barrel.

He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.

He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.

It’s drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic!

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table!

It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

It’s hotter than two rabbits making babies in a sock!

He’s not particularly handsome….

He’s uglier than the east end of a horse headed west

He looks like something the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch.

He is so ugly that my mother had to tie pork chops to his ears so the dog would play with him.”

She’s so ugly I’d hire her to haunt a house!

If I had a dog as ugly as him, I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

“Living in sin”:

I heard they ate supper before they said grace!



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535 thoughts on “Funny Southern Expressions, Sayings Phrases and Colloquialisms”

  1. One’s I use and have heard around Texas:

    “Tastes like a cat shit in my mouth”
    (what your mouth tastes like after a long night of drinking and smoking)

    “I was drunker than a five eyed spider”

    “I want to ____ like I want to take a shit in the ocean”
    (say it when you don’t want to do something)

    “quick as a whip”

    “slow as molasses running upstream in January”

  2. It was so quiet, you could hear a mouse pissin’ on a cotton ball.
    He could sell socks to a rooster.
    He could talk the pope into openin’ a whore house.
    He could get dirty in a hospital.
    He don’t know if his ass was punched or bored. Or countersunk.
    Harder than Chinese arithmetic.

  3. What does a Texas Tornaduh and a tennessee dayvorce got in commen?….Some’n’ is gonna lose a trayler….

    Written in the dialect of NC lol

  4. You’d aggravate the balls off a brass monkey..

    You’re about as awkward as a cow on crutches.

    He doesn’t know whether to check his ass or scratch his watch.

  5. That’ll go over like a turd in a punch bowl (response to a bad idea)

    I don’t know whether to wind my watch or scratch my ass (when you’re confused)

  6. Tough Guy sayings:

    “I’ll rattle the windows in your wheelhouse, buster!”

    “I’ll slap you so hard your shadow will $*&^ his pants.”

    “I’ll lay you out thinner piss on a plate.”

    “Go outside and practice standing up before you talk to me like that.”

    “I’ll run up your ladder and kick every rung out on the way down”.

  7. I’ld sooner eat ass holes for breakfast. (You refuse to do something)

    If he keeps using them five cent words he’ll be broke soon. (If he doesn’t stop trying to sound more intelligent than he is everybody is going to find out.)

    He’s a seven story buildin’ with a five story elevator. (The person is either stupid or crazy.)

  8. I’m from Mississippi and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading these euphemisms. Some have brought back memories of growing up in the deep south. There were even a couple I had never heard. The only ones I know that I did see were:

    When you need to leave just tell the person, I’ve got to get up at the butt-crack of dawn.

    If some one isn’t that smart you can say. The elevator goes up, but the door doesn’t open. Or He’s one beer short of a six pack.

  9. Ive grown up my entire life hearing these sayings—-I have several friends from New York,…I actualy lived there for awhile,…however–I would say some of these myself…and it would just “blow their mind”!!

    “Lord willing and the creek dont rise”
    “Cant cuss a cat without getting a hair in your mouth”
    “Make ya tongue slap ya brains out”
    “Uglier than homemade sin”
    “Shaking like a dog shitting razor blades”
    “Shes hotter than a 2$ pistol”
    “I gotta shake the dew off the lily”
    There are more,….I can’t think….

  10. its colder then a welldiggers ass on 4th of july. and its hotter then a 2 pucker billgoat haha i got these from my momma

  11. 1. As useless as tits on a boar hog

    2. So lazy, he/she wouldn’t say “soo” if the hogs had him/her.

  12. I’m loving this! Remembered a few from my Southern parents and grandparents.

    got a nose that could gut a punkin through a rail fence.’ (Long, pointed nose.)

    is kyarney. (I have no idea of the spelling of this and suspect it’s a corruption of a Scots pronunciation of ‘carrion’. Pronounced ‘kee-YAR-ney.’ Means dirty, filthy, good for nothing. My Appalachian grandmother used to use this phrase.

    Ain’t fit to carry guts to a bear. (Someone who’s worthless.)

    I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. (Someone you dislike.)

    Full as a tick (having eaten too much.)

  13. Some of the ones my Grandpa used to say was- “what do you mean WE? you have a mouse in your pocket”

    “Damn that’s slipperier then greased owl shit”

  14. Redder than a foxes a$$ in a pepper patch.

    Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. (all want rewards but don’t want to work for it)

    That gives me the heebie-jeebies! (freaks you out)

    A faint heart never won a fair lady or stole a watermelon. (have guts…go for your dreams)

  15. A couple from my Dad:

    He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the directions on the heel!

    She’s a holy fright! (She’s ugly)

    Flat as a flitter.

    Sexier than socks on a rooster.

    Slow as Christmas.

    You look like death eating a cracker.

    Your eyes are as red as a monkey’s butt.

    He’s got more dollars than cents (sense).

  16. My brothers say this when seeing a hot girl: “damn that chick is hotter than doughnut grease in the middle of july”

  17. My great grandma used to say:

    “You kids are windier than a barrel full of a$$ holes.” (you kids are noisy and talk too much)

    “This knife is so dull you could ride it down the Guyandotte River and back and it wouldn’t cut your a$$.” (dull knife)

    My grandfather would often say:

    “bigger than Pete” as in “He ran that red light bigger than Pete!”

    “Crazier than a bed bug”

    “Shanny boat” actually “shanty boat” (Used to describe something of poor build quality or in severe disrepair like the old makeshift houseboats cobbled together by drifters that traveled the Ohio River back in the day.)

    “Don’t know sh*t from Shinola.” (a reference to an old brand of shoe polish in describing someone who lacks knowledge, intelligence and general good sense.)

  18. Lookin at me like a country mule lookin at a freight train.

    Couple bricks shy of a load.

    Their elevator don’t go to the top.

    Couple cans short of a six pack.

    Bout a useless as an elevator in an outhouse.

  19. Some of my favorites from my grandpa:

    “Aw foot”
    “What’s the matter? You got the can’t help-its?”
    “Them that don’t work, don’t eat.”
    “Don’t let yer eyes overload yer belly.”
    “Wall yer eyes, back yer ears and grit yer teeth.”
    “Come here and gimme a yankee dime.”
    “You ain’t worth a plug nickel.”
    “Did you let a stinker?”
    “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”
    “You’re about as slow as molasses.”
    “If the Lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise.”
    “She’s madder than an old wet hen.”
    “I’m as nerveous as a cat on a hot tin roof.”
    “He’s as worthless as tits on a boar hog.”
    “It’s deader than a door knob.”
    “He was fit to be tied.”
    “That’s as green as a goard.”
    “He don’t have a lick of sense.”
    “Stop runnin’ around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.”
    “He’s about as crooked as a snake.”
    “Boy, I’m gonna tear your hind end up.”
    “Come here whistle britches.”
    “They’re livin’ in sin.”
    “Don’t count yer chickens before they hatch.”
    “He ain’t got a lick of sense.”
    “Don’t bite off more ‘en you can chew.”
    “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
    “Just sit there like a bump on a log.”
    “I’m as full as a tick on a dog.”
    “You’d complain if they were gonna hang you with a gold rope.”
    “That money’s burnin’ a hole in your pocket.”
    “You’re a pistol.”
    “You’re meaner than a rattle snake.”
    “I’ve know you since you were knee high to a grasshopper.”
    “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”
    “You’re about as stubborn as a mule.”
    “It’s rainin’ cats and dogs.”
    “He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.”
    “He’s got about as much chance as a stinker in a whirl wind.”
    “The smell would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.”
    “All yer gettin’ for Christmas is a bundle of switches.”
    “It’s as flat as a flitter.”
    “I’m fixin’ to give you a switchin'”
    “I’m fixin’ to tan your hide.”
    “You can just get glad in the same pants you got mad in.”
    “I was so mad I could spit nails.”
    “She’s was as cute as a speckled pup.”
    “Are you outta’ pocket again?”
    “There’ll be be doo-doo on the moon.”
    “That’s like closin’ the barn door after the horse gets loose.”
    “She’s goin’ hog wild.”
    “He was as white as a sheet.”
    “Yer gettin’ too big for yer britches.”
    “Yer barkin’ up the wrong tree feller.”
    “Yer livin’ pretty high on the hog.”
    “That ain’t no hill for a stepper.”
    “Every dog has his day.”
    “I’m fixin’ to skin you alive.”
    “Uglier than sin.”
    “He’s higher than a kite.”
    “Stop playin’ possum.”
    “He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.”
    “You’d argue with a sign post.”
    “He’s so tight, he squeaks when he walks.”
    “He was wound up tighter ‘en a bango string.”
    “That kid could tear up a rail-road anvil.”
    “He is as tough as a pine knot.”
    “Don’t cut off yer nose to spite yer face.”
    “The water was higher than a cat’s back.”
    “It’s as scarce as hens teeth.”
    “He’s happier than a pig in slop.”
    “You could talk the horns off a billy goat.”
    “Stop beating a dead horse.”
    “Cryin’ like a dying cow in a hail storm.”

  20. You’re as useless as tits on a boar hog.

    I’m lost as last year’s Easter egg.

    We’re as lost as three bats in a hail storm.

  21. I’m from Mississippi and my Mother (God rest her soul) Would always say..You better watch him ..He talks so Smooth he could steal Grease out of a Biscuit without breaking the Crust!! ;)

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