One Liners 1: A collection of the best funny one liners

A friend sent me this list of favorite one liners that someone had sent her. There are some great sayings, quotes and one liners here. Much thanks to whoever collected them.


43% of all statistics are worthless.


7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.


99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.


A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.


A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.


A bad plan is better than no plan.


A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.


A day for firm decisions! Or is it?


A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.


A drunk mans’ words are a sober mans’ thoughts.


A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.


A gentleman is a patient wolf.


A good pun is its own reword.


A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl’s complexion seem what it ain’t.


A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.


A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.


A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.


A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.


A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.


A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.


A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.


A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.


A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.


A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.” – Joseph Stalin


A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.


A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students


A weekend wasted isn’t a wasted weekend.


A witty saying proves nothing.


According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.


Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.


Adult: One old enough to know better.


After all is said and done, more is said than done.


Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.


All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.


All hope abandon, ye who enter here!


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.


All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.


All work and no play, will make you a manager.


Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.


Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.


An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.


An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.


Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.


Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.



Page Topic: A collection of the best funny one liners

4 thoughts on “One Liners 1: A collection of the best funny one liners”

  1. They say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Well, then I guess drugs and alcohol only make us live longer

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