Irish Jokes: Jokes about the Irish

We’re all a little bit Irish, aren’t we? Well, at least on Saint Patrick’s Day I mean. The Irish have had a long and varied history, tracking their roots 9000 years back! Can you believe that when the Irish first started to immigrate to America they were faced with hatred, racism, and anti-catholic sentiment? It seems that us Americans have to always hate some ethnic group and we tend to choose the most recent immigrants as are target. Luckily, we’ve gotten over our prejudices for the Irish and now celebrate their culture alongside ours. I think it might be the inclination for drink and a good time and their ability to have a hearty laugh at themselves…. Now if only we could get others to loosen up too!

The Irish Daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad… I became a prostitute…”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Dad — as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.”

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.”

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities’ brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman’s or a Scotsman’s brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman’s brain cost £10,000. That proves,’ said The Englishman, ‘that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.’
‘No it doesn’t,’ said The Irishman, ‘it just means that an Englishman’s brain has never been used.’

An Irish Lass returns home

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:

“Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without me bloomers on!”

Page Topic: Jokes about the Irish

2 thoughts on “Irish Jokes: Jokes about the Irish”

  1. Got a joke here…. mainly aimed at the aussies, but including the irish as well.

    An Englishman walks in to a doctor’s surgery one day, and says that he is fed up of being English, and asks if there is anything they can do about it. The doctor replies “well, we have got this new treatment we are trialing, where we can remove 10% of your brain, and make you Irish, but it is in the trial period and there are risks”

    the man looks at the doctor, thinks about it for a few minutes, and finally says “ok, I’ll go ahead, I just can’t handle being English any more”

    They go ahead with the surgey and when the man wakes up the doctor says to him “sorry sir, we have made an error in the surgery, instead of removing 10% of your brain, we removed 90% and left only 10%, we are very sorry about this sir”

    The man replies “No worries, mate”

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