Good sermon jokes: Some clean jokes for sermons, speeches, Wedding Toasts, etc.
Sermon Joke #1: Minister Jokes: The Preacher’s Visit
Sarah hadn’t been to church lately, so her minister thought he’d go pay her a visit and see how the 85 year old church matriarch was doing. He knocked on her door and after a time he heard her spirited voice holler
“Hello, who is it?”
“It’s Reverend Dave”, he answered.
“OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how’s the church doing?” She said.
“Great! The Smith’s had their little baby girl, and Mary and Tom got married- Everything is wonderful. But I just wanted to see how you are doing. We’ve missed you.”
“Well, I haven’t been feeling too well lately. I had quite the root canal last week- they are trying to save the few survivors.”
Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The minister sat near a table with an old reader’s digest and a bowl of peanuts. After a few minutes passed,he started flipping through the magazine. After anotehr ten minutes or so, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless,so he started in on the bowl of peanut while he read. After a while,he suddenly realized that he had eaten the whole bowl of peanuts.
Just then Sarah returned and said, “Oh I sure am sorry, that was my sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have to catch up on everything.” The minister, feeling a little embarrassed, said “I must also apologize. While you were gone I got hungry and ate all the peanuts in your little bowl there.
Mrs. Jones replied, “Oh that’s ok. Since the root canal, the best I
can do is suck all the chocolate off of ’em!”
Good Sermon Jokes: The train and the tea kettle
An old man who’d lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend. Now he’d never laid eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run.
Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard a distant whistle… WOOOO–ooo—OOOOO! but didn’t have a clue as to what it meant or his impending danger.
Predictably, the old boy is hit — fortunately it’s just a side swipe, and he’s thrown, head over heels off the tracks, get’s off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at a friend’s place for dinner one evening. Standing in the kitchen, he hears the rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO….
Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.
His friend, hearing the fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks his friend, “Why’d you wreck our lovely tea kettle?”
The mountain man replies: “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
Good Sermon jokes about Marriage and Weddings: The Donkey Trick
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”
“We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”
“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’
Sermon joke #2: The Son’s Gift- A Bible joke
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.
Sermon Joke #3: The Sleeping Pill
Mrs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “Since I started putting them in my granddaughter’s orange juice I sleep like a baby!”
Sermon Joke #4: The Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put he garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve . .
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that.”
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