InnocentEnglish.com

Tag: Dog diary

Dog Diary and Cat Diary: Funny Pets humor and Jokes

Pets Diary

One day I snuck into my dog’s room when he was outside chewing on a bone.  I found his diary hidden under his doggy pillow. I tried to resist being nosy, but I just couldn’t. I had to see what he wrote.  That got me curious, so that night, when my cat was fast asleep on the edge of the couch, I snuck into her room, and after much searching, I found her diary as well. She had hidden it by attaching it to the ceiling of her covered litter box. She used hairballs dipped in milk to create a gluey substance which held her diary there.   

 Here are was yesterday’s entries in both of their diaries. You might be able to guess which entry goes with which animal.  And if either of you are reading this, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t resist.  

7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

1 pm – Oh boy! staring at the cat while she eats! My favorite!
2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
5 pm- Oh boy! Well, actually not much happening right now. But that’s ok. I get to lay down in the sun. My favorite!
6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad!! My favorite!
8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
10pm- Oh boy! going outside to poop and pee! My favorite!
11 pm – Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat’s diary:

Day 1234 of my captivity…  I made it as far as the street today. I waited and waited until my captors opened the front door, and I slipped out, fast as lightening. But the cars were going by so fast, I had to wait it out on the sidewalk.  It was raining and cold, and finally I decided to abandon my attempt. For now.  No freedom is worth wet fur.

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may pee in yet another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded – must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair – must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. My captives are harder to crack than I expected.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. For NOW.

One day, I WILL escape.  Oh yes. ONE DAY. It is only a matter of time… My captor is coming. I must hide this now. Will finish later.