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Tag: comedian George Carlin

Funny George Carlin Jokes, Quotations and One-Liners

June 23, 2008.  NOTE: We put this post up last year- a collection of some of the best and most inspired quotes and jokes by George Carlin.  The term “comic genius” is thrown around a bit too much, but he definitely earned the title.   That we won’t have more brilliant thoughts coming from him is sad. That he has left such a rich and provoking and funny body of work- that is a gift. Thank you George Carlin.  You will be missed.

 

 

Here are some Funny George Carlin jokes and quotations:

 

 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

 

 

Page Topic: Funny George Carlin Jokes, quotes and lines from his books and stand up comedy 

 

 

The Best George Carlin Quotes, Jokes and Lines

 June 23, 2008.  NOTE: We put this post up last year- a collection of some of the best and most inspired quotes and jokes by George Carlin.  The term “comic genius” is thrown around a bit too much, but he definitely earned the title.   That we won’t have more brilliant thoughts coming from him is sad. That he has left such a rich and provoking and funny body of work- that is a gift. Thank you George Carlin.  You will be missed.

 

Here are some more of the best George Carlin Quotes, Jokes and Lines:

 

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80’s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section? ” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all? ”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

 

 

Page Topic: Best Funny George Carlin Quotes, Jokes and Lines