Funny George Carlin Jokes, Quotations and One-Liners

June 23, 2008.  NOTE: We put this post up last year- a collection of some of the best and most inspired quotes and jokes by George Carlin.  The term “comic genius” is thrown around a bit too much, but he definitely earned the title.   That we won’t have more brilliant thoughts coming from him is sad. That he has left such a rich and provoking and funny body of work- that is a gift. Thank you George Carlin.  You will be missed.



Here are some Funny George Carlin jokes and quotations:



Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.



Page Topic: Funny George Carlin Jokes, quotes and lines from his books and stand up comedy 



25 thoughts on “Funny George Carlin Jokes, Quotations and One-Liners”

  1. Maybe you can’t spell, Cathy, but your timing is pretty damn good. Your comment was only three days before George passed on. I completely agree with you. If you could get past his goofiness, George was a Steven Wright-caliber intellect. Brilliant!

  2. Thanks Rufus! Psychologists say thinking of the extreme opposite of our illusions shakes us up to see the rational.

  3. Sad to see such a brilliant comedian pass away. Have enjoyed every minute of his career that I had the pleasure of seeing.Easily the funniest american that I’ve seen.Right up there with Billy Connelly


  5. I really dont think some of those are his…

    I know his stuff and I think they aren’t his work..
    I can be wron-

  6. LOL, of course he’ll be missed, thats a given. I know george was an atheist, but i’m sick and tired of christian jerks saying things like he’s in hell now, because he didn’t believe in god. I’d rather he be in heaven because he made people ROFL and TROFL, that should count as good karma, IMO. Some of the material here arent his, they’re just contemporary made up lame stuff. Steven wright is funny as hell, but lets just say that he couldnt hold a candle to George

  7. George is in heaven, doing real well. Of course, there is no cursing in heaven, but with George Carlin around, I think we can make an exception. Why, I was talking to Death the other day, and I told him one of his jokes… And the only thing he said was, “That slays me!” and kept laughing. I told this to Carlin and he said, “That means a lot, coming from Death.” and I couldn’t stop laughing!

    We love him here

  8. A “verbal scientist” – well put, Cathy! George is one of the best satirists of all-time, and his humor and offbeat sense of anti-PC word selection will be forever missed.

  9. George was without a doubt was the funniest man on the planet and I will miss him dearly. Thanks for all the laughs George.

  10. im not an American , and really i just saw his videos KHANQUEST myspace page and i thought i should really find out more about him. when i did that last wik thats wen i found out that he had already died. i was chocked, i thot it was a lie America was certainly lost a great man a real Man. so can somebody tell me when did he die and what happnd.i tryed to do some reaserch but was not succeful.i love his work i love his words. he never lied. my his soul rest in peace

  11. damm i waz raised on george i remember watch him on a vhs tape on a black and white tv im going to miss him

  12. George is a real philosopher. I mean I just can’t get his words out of my mind. He was a wonderful guy and I’m sure we all miss him. RIP George…

  13. George Carlin was an atheist, but i don’t have any problem with that, he was still my favorite comedian. I liked his jokes because they all make you think for while after you stop laughing. His jokes always had some meanings, and a lesson. I believe in God, but if you ignore his jokes about religion or take it easy, the rest of his jokes were the best and the most meaningful.
    Rest in peace George Carlin.

  14. I love you uncle George. You are the only person who talks only the truth, but not bullshit in my life. However I hope you were not the last one.

    Also, I want to thank to your daughter (Kelly) who kindly replied my e-mail which contained my appreciation for you.

    With all respect

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