Movie Quotes from Waiting for Guffman: Quotes from the movie Waiting for Guffman

‘ello! ‘ow are ‘ou?

…They say the blays, you say the nuhs…

..and Corky, having put on some very, theatrical, productions here in Blaine, is going to be, taking over the show, and I’m going to be, the music, director, which is, different for me.

..and my lip, would tremble and I would say, ‘let’s, give up,’ no, you know what we did we put in the second string quarterback and when HE went down we put in the third string quarterback, and the next week we went out and mopped the floor with Blessed…Heart of Mary, and THEY went on to win the State championship!

A penny for your thoughts, a dime for your dreams.

a)It’s that whole, you know, Zen thing. It’s that old joke, you know. Like how many babies fit in the tire. You know? b)Well you’ve got a good point.

and i say, no, i wasn’t the class clown. but i sat next to the class clown…and i studied him…

And if there is an empty space just say a line. That’s what I like to do. Even if it’s from another show.

And that’s…why…I’m at this desk (BAH!).

Being a Fabin is not always easy…I can certainly understand how the Kennedys must feel.

Bet my money on the horseshoe crown, people bet on the pay pay pay.Way down upon de Swanee Riber

But the good news is I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit

Cokes…Just come in and get a coke…if they’re thirsty.

Corky, we love you and we want you to live!

Grab your fellas by the hand and welcome them to the promise land. Grab your ladies by the arm and take them out behind the barn.


Hush, child…hush. Don’ rightly know child.
– Shelia Robertson

i didn’t know deers did THAT

I for one am glad that Johnny Savage dropped out of the show because a couple years ago he came into the drug store and he tried to steal my stamp machine and that kid is no good.

I guess a got an entertaining bug, from my grandfather, Hyme Progaut, who was very very big in the Yiddish theater back in New York. He was in the, the sardonically ireverant, ‘Dibik Shmibik, I Said More Ham’. And that review, I believe was nineteen thriteen and that review, is what made him famous. Incidentally, the song, ‘Bubby Made a Kishka’ came from that review.

I hate all you people. You know why? Because you are bastard people!
-Corky St. Clair

I hate you and I hate your ass face!

I hate you and your ass face!

I hate you and your assface!

I hate you, and I hate your ass face!

I imagined, in my fantasy I suppose, that when I moved here, I would have a completely different life. Perhaps a construction worker, on one of those high wirer things, with the hat, you know that sweeping sort of hat, and the chaps.

I know I always have a home at the Dairy Queen.

I want you to sing ‘Nothing ever happens in Blaine.’ And I want you to sing, ‘Nothing ever happens in Blay.’

I was shopping for my wife Bonnie. I buy most of her clothes…

I’d a hankering as a young feller to be an actor but i went inta taxidermy instead

I’ll give you my number, it’s a private number so don’t lose it, and DO NOT, give it out, to anyone. . .

I’m going to go home and bite my pillow!

I’m walking…on air! I…I’m getting nervous now because, I could have wasted a lot of years.

I’ve been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix ’em around, eventually, you’ll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way… way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain.

I’ve been workin and the DQ for 7…. 8 months, somethin like that. Just doin the cones.

If there’s an empty space, just fill it with a line, that’s what I like to do. Even if it’s from another show.

If you don’t like the weather, wait 10 minutes. With a lot of hard work, I bet we can get it down to five.


It was only minor surgery

It’s like a Domino effect, you know how Dominios do that

It’s like a Hitchcock movie, where, you know, you’re thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car — you find people, you find them. Is it karma? maybe. But we found him, that’s the important thing. And I got Bonnie a wonderful pant suit.

It’s like a Hitchcock movie.

It’s this…island is what it ee-iz it’s this, island, with all types of people and colors and…we don’t have…much of that…in Blaine.

Its a zen thing you know, like how many babies fit in a tire!

Just once, I’d like them to be a little polite, ‘Ron, sheila, right this way please…’

Lloyd is a music teacher…and he shops at Walmart.

mmmm… hot, fat, juicy beans! but dont get me goin on beans, or i’ll be jabberin’ away till the sun comes up!

My bubby made a kishka, she made it big and fat, I took one look at it and said I can’t eat that! OOOOOOHHHHH mama mama mama, oh mama mi oh my!

no way corky! your not puttin with these people! and i’ll tell you why i cant put up with you people…because your bastard people, thats what you are!

Now everybody knew that Corky could direct, but who knew that he could act and sing and DANCE, and only other one, there’s only one other person in the world who can do that and that’s Barbara Striesand.

Of course Broadway is great and…there’ll be other offers, keepin’ our fingers crossed, but, and I think you know what I’m thinkin’, the ultimate dream, Hollywood…Ever since I was a kid doin’ my impressions..’Here’s lookin’ at you BABE’ and ‘yyyou don’ cccare about aanybody but yyyerself’…who’s that, who am I doin’…she always laughs but now who is that?

Oh, Johnny’s great. He could be the next Keanu Reeve…………s

People dont like fire POKED, POKED in their noses!

So what I’m understanding here, correct me if I’m wrong, is that you’re not givin’ me any money, so now I’m left basically with nothing, I’m left with zero, in which, what can I DO with zero, you know, what can I–I can’t do anything with it!..this is my life here we’re talkin’ about, we’re not just talkin’ about, you know, something else, we’re talkin’ about my life, you know, and it’s forcing me to do something I don’t wanna do: to leave. To go out and just leave and go home and make a clean cut here and say no way [name], you’re not putting up with these people and I’ll tell you why I can’t put up with you people, because you’re bastard people, that’s what you are, you’re just bastard people and I’m goin home and I’m gonna bite my pillow, that’s
what i’m gonna do!

So, here are my Dinner With Andre action figures, and you know, you can just play with them. Like… Hello, how are you. I’m good…I mean, I know they don;t actually say that, but you can just make things up.

teacher, teacher, i love you! …whoa!

That review, I believe was 1917 and that, review, incidentally was what made him famous.

That’s just a bunch of Bullroar!

The people in Blaine went inside the ship for a pot luck dinner.

There’ll always be a place for me at the DQ.

They’re notes for both of us it’s just that you get most of them.

This bulging river this God and Devil in one. There aint a THING can be done. The River’s in our blood. This deep and bulging river’s in our bloood. Corky- BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

This is without a doubt one of my favorite items um my Dinner with Andre action figures…and what you can do which is so cute…um…you can reinact the whole scene you know where the two guys talk to eachother and say you know boy I sure am glad you found a good restaurant it’s so hard these days to get in and who do you know?…Oh I just called…made a call…spur of the moment….HA HA HA oh you can always get a reservation. You know that’s not from the movie but you can make up your own dialogue which is one of the great things about action figures.

Wait Mr. President. Here is a stool. I MAKE THEM!

We consider ourselves bi-coastal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.

We have a saying here in Blaine that if you dont like the weather just wait 5 minutes. i honestly think that with hard work we could get that down to 3 or 4 minutes.

we need a man with a rifle here, and a man with a rifle here. dont you think that’s a little extreme? no, remember how much we got egged last year?

We were talking about pantyhose

Well I just hate you and I hate your ass face

Well now it’s too loud. Just, talk, like a normal personokay?

Well we were taken up on a Sunday there were about 7 of us taken up and what they really did was probed us. And at one time or another there were 2 or 3 of us getting probed. Sometimes there were even 4 or 5 of us taken up. And its funny now cause every sunday now, about the time I was taken up I get no feeling in my buttox.

Well, I just hate you! I hate you and your ass face!

well, i knew alan was funny and could you know move, but his dramatical work was so inspiring. i call pam and i said pam bring joshy down here cuz i’m just bustin.

Well, then, I just hate you…and I hate your…ass…face!

Which brings me back to the number 5, there are 5 letters in Blaine, now mix up the letters, switch them around a little bit, what do you get? Nabeli, the name of a planet way way way far away

Whos on top and whos on bottom now? Whos on top and whos on bottom now?

why are you whispering? i’m right here

Why don’t you just get a vagina enlargement?

you know why? because you’re BASTARD PEOPLE!

You’re bastard people!

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