Movie Quotes from Grumpier Old Men: Quotes from the movie Grumpier Old Men

(after Allie accidentally swallows a quarter)
Grandpa: Relax! Kids swallow quarters all the time!
Melanie: Really?
Grandpa: Sure! If she cruds out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.

(After Max and John had spaghetti sauce poured on top both of their heads:)
Max: Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?

(John while reeling in WHAT HE THINKS is a fish:)
Come on baby! I got ya!..oh yes!…oh…no…oh, damn.

(Max opens the door to John, whoes holding a blanket and pillow)
Max: What?
John: She threw me out. (Hints that he wants to stay there for the night)
Max: Oh. no.
John: Come on, just for the night.
Max: Forget it.
John: You won’t even know I’m here.
Max: Thats because you won’t be here.
(Slams the door on Johns face)

(Seeing John knocking on his window) Max: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
John: I’m cold.
(Max opens the window and hands him a matchbox) Max: Here’s some matches, set yourself on fire.

(Talking to the guinnea pig:) Act Rabid. Be Rabid. Goodluck to ya, ya schmuck.

….and I usually drink my dinner.

…and the baby bear said
Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed too and the bastard’s still there!
…but Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic with a SCOPE and HAIR TRIGGER!
AND THAT WAS THE END!…of the thrrrreee bears…

1) I have been to Hawaii!
2) Which island?
1) ComeonIwannalayya.

1) I’d rather kiss a dead moose’s butt! 2) So I’ll call you?

1) No one slept with anyone last night. 2) Speak for yourself.

1)I’m cold! 2)Here’s a box of matches – light yourself on fire!

1)Kids swallow quarters all the time. 2)Really?
1)Yeah, if she craps out two dimes and a nickel then you can start

1)She just swallowed a quarter! 2)Don’t worry about it. Kids swallow quarters all the time. 1)Really? 1)Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.

1. I find you disgusting 2. As long as you find me my dear

1] Ox.
2] Nag!

1]ally,did you swallow a quarter?2]dont worry,kids swallow things all the time.If she shits out two dimes and a nickel,then you can worry

And baby bear said somebody’s been sleeping in my bed, and the bastard’s still there! But Goldylocks had a Remmington semi-automatic with a scope and a hair trigger. And that was the end of the thrrrreee bears!

Dad, I wish you’d try the low fat bacon.
Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one gets filled faster.

Doris Sabrinsky is dead.
She choked to death two weeks ago on a stack of pancakes at the Lion’s Club charity breakfast.
I think it’s how she would have wanted to go.

He’s a regular Don Juan.. no wonder the ladies Don Juan anything to do with him!

Heeeeey Dickheeeaad!!

Hey dickhead, I’m stuck!

Holy Moley. You got a fart in your brain or something?

I am the gangster of love…Tell me what is more of a hold up than a stick up?

I got a cactus in my bathroom but we got nothin’ to say to each other.

I usually drink my dinner

Is that a nice way of saying that the wine smells like your mama’s feet?

It’s always been my dream to have my wedding reception in a bar where you can throw peanut shells on the floor.

IT’S OK!!!

Jacob: Studying up on your Italian are ya? Thinking of wooing Maria?
Max: Nah, just going to curse at her in her own language is all. I think she’s a lesbian anyway.
Jacob: How would you know? You’ve never seen a lesbian.
Max: DID TOO! Seen ’em on Geraldo.

John: I don’t believe it YOU and that beautiful lady??
Max: I am the thief of hearts. I am the gangster of love.
John: Gangster? Well tell me, was it more of a hold up that a stick up?
Max: Haha, even your infantile penis jokes seem charming and witty this morning sir.
John: I think I liked you better when you weren’t gettin’ any.

John: This milk has chunks in it.
Max: What’s your point? *sniff sniff* Shmells alright.

John: You won’t even know I’m here!
Max: That’s because you won’t be here.
John: I’m cold.
Max: Here’s some matches. Set yourself on fire.

Kids swallow quarters all the time. Really? Sure, If she craps out 2 dimes and a nickel, I’d start worrying

Lesbian Bandits: Next on Geraldo.

Looks like God remembered ya, Pop.

Maria, there may be many fish in the sea…but you’re the only one I want to mount over my fire place.

Maria: Are you asking me on a date? Max: Hell no.

Maria: I look like a slut.
Ariel: Yes, but a nice slut.

Maria: I’ve never seen wine that comes in a box before.
Max: Pretty fancy huh? Look, its even got its own tap.

Mariaaa, I just met a girl named Mariaaaa and suddenly I see..she’s not the…bitch I thought she’d beeee. Ahhh Maria Maria Maria…ahhh Maria….ahhh

Max: (seeing John in a polar bear costume) Happy Halloween there, yutz-o!
John: (removes mask) How did you know it was me?!
Max: You wear the same costume every…Christmas or…Halloween!

Max: (to John) You’re the man of the house, the king of the castle.
Bartender: Top her off? (hands a bottle of beer)
Max: (to bartender) Sure. (Out loud, to John) LONG LIVE THE KING!!!

Max: (while he and Ariel sees John wearing a bathrobe) Gustafson, you’re doing it again!!
John: What the heck are you talking about?
Max: First it was May, then it was Ariel, AND NOW IT’S MARIA!!!

Max: Catfish Hunter!! Maybe this is the year we catch him!
John: Where do ya get that -we- crap? Ya got a mouse in your pocket or something?

Max: Did you know worms have both male and female sexual organs?
Maria: Nooo, I didn’t know THAT!
You know a lot about worms, Max.
Max: Oh, I don’t know that much. Every once in awhile I’ll pick up a tip.

Max: I expected someone that looked like Rick.
Maria: How’s that?
Max: Fat, hairy, homely. But you’re not so fat.
Maria: You’re a smooth talker Mr. Goldman
Max: There’s more where that come from Ms. Ragetti.

Max: Me?? What do ya want with me?
Maria: (says something in italian)
Max: What’s that ‘spose to mean?
Maria: I’d rather kiss a DEAD MOOSE’S BUTT
Max: So, I’ll call ya?

Max: Restarante?
You mean you want to turn this into a restaurant?
You can’t be serious….you’re wasting your time.
Look, people aren’t going to come out here for I-talian when we got a chuck-e-cheese right in town.

Max: The night crawlers will be out soon
Maria: What’s a night crawler?
Max: What are you? A communist?


Morning slick,what a nice kitty cat, yes you are. Would you like to make a new friend this morning, hhhmmm? Lucky kill slick!!

Must be nice living in never-never land. Maybe I’ll come visit ya when I need a break from reality.

Old lady: I find you disgusting.
Old Man: Well, just as long as ya find me, my dear.

Old man: What the…what the hell is this?
I weigh 90 goddamn pounds and you bring me this slop ‘n foam!?
Let me tell you something, Johnny. Every morning I wake up and smoke a cig. and I eat 5 strips of BACON!…For lunch a bacon sandwich…and for a mid-day snack BACON!! A whole damn plate.

Old man: What’s the matter beautiful? You’re meaner than a dog shittin’ tacks.


She doesn’t hate you.
She just doesn’t like you very much.

Sometimes I wonder…if God forgot about me.

that’s genuine foreign leather

There Are Many Fish In The Sea But Your The Only One I’d Want To Stuff And Mount Over My Fireplace.

What do you say we go back to my place and I’ll show you my man-size manacotti… eh?? Or how about my bony macaroni? Or my fatty alfredo? Or my hard salami? I’ve got them all…

Who put a bug up your ass?

You can crap in one hand and wish in the other, and see which one fills up first…

You couldn’t catch crabs from a ten dollar hooker!

I got better things to do than dick around with you all day.

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