…I walk around in the summer goin’ ‘How about this HEAT?’!!!! I’m an ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!
A-S-S-H-O-L-E! Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E!
A-S-S-H-O-L-E!! Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E! I’M AN ASSHOLE!!
And my father looks at me like it’s the most normal thing ever. . . like there’s roving gangs of indians around the city.
Do we need a 2 and a hour movie about the Doors?? No we don’t. I can sum it all up for you in 5 seconds: I’m drunk. I’m nobody. I’m drunk. I’m famous. I’m drunk. I’m fuckin’ DEAD! There’s the whole movie!!
Every time you hear some famous guy overdosing on drugs, it’s always some really talented guy. Like Len Bias, or Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix, or John Belushi. You know what I mean? The people you wanna have an overdose on drugs NEVER WOULD!!! Like Motley Cru would NEVER fucking overdose, man! You could put them in a room with 2 tons of crack, an hour later: ‘ROCK ON!!!’ ‘They’re STILL ALIVE! They’re probably gonna make a double live album now!!’
Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American dream. About me. About you. About the way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts. Maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don’t know.
Heval metal fans are buying heavy metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records, and blowing their heads off with a shotgun? WHERE’S THE PROBLEM?!?! That’s an unemployment solution right there folks! It’s called natural selection.
I don’t do illegal drugs anymore. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I’m on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell ya something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroin. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I’m telling you right now, I took NyQuil 5 years ago. I just cam out of the coma tonight before the fucking show!!
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane, while people behind me are goin’ insane. I’m an ASSHOLE -OLE -OLE!! I’m an ASSHOLE -OLE -OLE!! Somrtimes I park in handicap spaces, while handicapped people make handicapped faces!!
I drive really slow on the ultra-fast lane, while people behind me are going insane! I’m an ASSHOLE!!
I mean if Hitler hade Coke there’d be Jews in the bathroom going ‘I know you didn’t do it’ ‘I like your mustache’.
I park my car in the handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces! I’m an ASSHOLE!!!
I park my car in the handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces! I’m and ASSHOLE!!!
I recently read an interview with Keith Richards where he advocated that people should not do drugs. KEITH RICHARDS said that we should not do drugs!! Keith, we can’t do anymore drugs, because you already FUCKIN’ DID ‘EM ALL!!! There’s none left! We have to wait until you die and smoke your ashes!!!!
I remember a time in this country when men were PROUD to get cancer, God damn it! It was a sign of MANHOOD! John Wayne had cancer TWICE. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said ‘Take ’em BOTH out, I don’t fuckin’ need ’em! I’ll grow gills and breathe like a fish!’
I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know what that’s from? I heard the BeeGees were getting back together again. I couldn’t take it, okay?!
I think Billy Martin said it best when he said ‘Hey {sips beer} I can drive’.
I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp goin’ into a restaurant. ‘What do you want to eat sir?’ ‘BROCCOLI.’ Broccoli’s a sidedish, folks. Always was, always will be. When they ask me what I want, I say: This is America, I want a bowl of raw red meat right now! Forget that, just bring me a live cow. I’ll carve off what I want, and RIDE THE REST HOME!!!
I’m a little hyped up tonight. I just smoked a nice big fat bag of crack before the show. AHHHHHHHHHH!! I’m just kiddin’ folks. I would never do crack. I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass… Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn’t good enough for. Only in America would a guy go ‘You know, that cocaine’s pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it. Now I’m happy, I’m DEAD: The ULTIMATE high!’
I’m glad Jesus died when he did. If he lived to be 40 he would’ve ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he’d be walking Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black sideburns, going ‘Damn, I’m the Son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now!’
I’m gonna get famous. Then when my career starts to flag, I’m gonna go into a 3 month fucking bender. Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze, and drive over people, and beat up my kids, go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab, be on the cover of People magazine, and go ‘Sorry! I fucked up!’
I’m gonna get one of those tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at once! I’m gonna get NINE tracheotomies all the way around my neck!
I’m gonna get one of those tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at once! I’m gonna get NINE tracheotomies all the way around my neck! I’ll be Tracheotomy Man!! ‘He can smoke a pack at a time! He’s Tracheotomy Man!!’
I’m gonna open up my own place. Open my own restaurant and get away from you people. I’m gonna open my own restaurant with two smoking sections: Ultra and Regular! And we’re not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy shit.
I’m just your average Joe, with a regular job.
I’m your average white suburbonite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor…
But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested!
Oh no! No no!
I gotta go out and have fun at someone else’s expense!!
I’m sick and tired of our generation being called the generation. What do you expect? We watch Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that??
Kids Drivin their bongs down FDR Drive.. . . ‘Pull the bong over man, i wanna do a hit man.’
Life sucks, get a fuckin’ helmet!
NOT eating meat is a decision. EATING meat is an instinct.
Remember Jim Fixx? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged 15 miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped dead of a heart attack. When? When he was fucking JOGGING, that’s when!!
Smoking takes 10 years off your life. Well, it’s the 10 WORST years, isn’t it folks? It’s the ones at the end! It’s the wheelchair, kidney dialysis, adult diaper fucking years! You can HAVE those years! We don’t want ’em alright!
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, and fuck you!!
That’s my new book. ‘Shut the Fuck Up, by Dr. Denis Leary’. Patients come in. ‘Doctor I-‘ Shut the FUCK up! NEXT!! ‘Doctor, I’ve got
this-‘ SHUT THE FUCK UP!! NEXT! ‘He made me feel so much better. He just told me to shut the fuck up. Nobody ever told me that before!’
This guy’s goin’ from country to country to try and make the warnings on the packs BIGGA!! He wants to make the whole front of the pack the warning. It doesn’t matter how big the warnings are. You could have cigarettes CALLED warnings, we’d still buy ’em. You could have a black pack with a skull and crossbones, called TUMORS and smokers would be lined up around the block to buy ’em.
This is the most exciting place in the WORLD to live! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive-by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up, asbestos shooting into the sky! Yeah I love living in New York. And people who live in New York, we wear that like a badge right on our sleeve, because we know that fact impresses EVERYBODY! ‘I was in Vietnam.’ So what, I live in New York! ‘REALLY?!’ New York teaches you to live life the way it should be lived: Moment to moment. Because every moment in New York could be your last. You could be walking down the street tomorrow, feeling good about yourself. Drink free, drug free, looking forward to the future. And somebody accidently nudges their poodle off a 75th floor ledge. And he’s headed for the ground at 175 THOUSAND miles an hour! And *curchunk* he’s imbedded in your head. You’re dead on contact. The headline in the Post the next day reads MAN KILLED BY BEST FRIEND. People cut out the article and laugh about it at the office, and you’re forever known as the POODLE MAN! ‘I knew the Poodle Man. And he hated fucking poodles.’
We didn’t HAVE rehab back in the 70s. Back in the 70s rehab meant you’d stop doing coke, but kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks!
We tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We fuckin’ tried. You wanted your own sections in the restaurants, we gave you that. But that wasn’t enough for you. Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole Goddamned plane! You happy now?! I guarantee you if the plane is going down, the first announcement you’re gonna hear is ‘Folks, this is your captain speaking. Look, um, light ’em up ’cause we’re goin’ down. I got a carton of Camel non-filters, I’ll see you on the ground.’
We used to do ludes man, member those? ‘Ludes man, ludes, call up the ludes man fuckin’ LUDES!’
What was the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple af Twinkies, and just going to sleep?
You all have a friend that’s quitting. ‘I quit smoking, I quit drinking, I quit meat, and I feel great! I get up at 6 in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. Then I go to the bathroom for 3 and a half hours. All I do is eat and shit. I’m gonna live forever! My colon’s the strongest muscle in my body right now. I could pass Elvis through my colon!’
You know what Im gonna do
Im gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
And all leather cow interior
And make brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah)
And Im gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin’ 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds
In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when Im done sucking down those greeseball burgers
Im gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then Im gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why, because weve got the bombs, thats why
2 words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK?
Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalk
Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square
and it wont make a lick of difference
Because weve got the bombs, OK?
John Wayne’s not dead, hes frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
Were gonna thaw out the duke and hes gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why,
Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times
Thats how pissed off the dukes gonna be!
I’m gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes,
and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey,
and drive down to Texas and say….
{about ciggarettes} The filter’s the best part. That’s where they put the heroin!
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Denis Leary: No Cure For Cancer’: Quotes from the movie ‘Denis Leary: No Cure For Cancer’
