Movie Quotes from Clerks II: Quotes from the movie Clerks II

*EAT PUSSY spraypainted on building* Jay: Oh we totally do.

*Quick Stop is toast* Randall: Terrorists? … I left the coffee pot on again didn’t I? Shit! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fuck when my mom’s home?

*to Silent Bob* Be really fuckin’ quiet.

Advocating ass to mouth.

At least you spelled cock right this time.

Avert your eyes ya perv!

Aww hims so cute, hims thinkin’ again huh?

Aww, fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand, na nan nagagagnaa

Becks: Have you restocked all the napkin holders yet? Randall: That’s an Elias job. Becks: That comparison of pink and brown eyes, just made it a Randall job.

But before he was the Mad Duckets guy, he was just Pickle Fucker.

Check it out, our first customers since our triumphant return, act cool.

Come down to Florida with me and I’ll fuck your brains out and my daddy will give you a job and blah blah….

Come on man you know I only surf Transformers sites when there’s girls around so they can see how cool I am.

Dante: I love you Becky.
Becky: I’m pregnant Dante.

Dante: You wouldn’t want to be with a girl with an oversized clit?

Randall: No, cause the next stop is a guy with an undersized dick.

Did he just say cockstain? What the fuck is cockstain?

Did Randall just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

Did your mom slip ya the tounge?

Don’t look at his wee wee.

Downtime is important. If I had to deal with all the fuckin’ mouth breathers, I’d probly stick my head in the deep fryer….balls too.

Ease up Pillowpants the guy’s not into your GoBot, D&D bullshit.

Elias: Hey Randall, one ring to rule them all!
Randall: And you wonder why no chick will let you stick your cock in her.
Elias: I never wondered that.

Elias: I throw chicks off left and right.
Randall: Your chicks are your left and right.

Elias: The Transformers are like a gift from God Randall! Randall: No sir they are not a gift from God, they are a curse sent by the desolate one. The first of the fallen, the ruiner of virgins, the MASTER of abortions…let me help you outta your chair grandmaaaa!!!

Emma are you like this because you have an abnormally large clit?

Emma: You’re a little hard.
Dante: Cause you’re a little close to me.

Even the fuckin’ trees walked in those movies.

Everything but coke, heroin, and your cock.

Fuck him man! Trying to guilt me into walkin’ around more because he’s all gimped out? So I’ve been gettin’ into it with him about how I love to just sit around all day and how I’d rather drive to the end of the block than walk.


Fuckin’ Freak! —I’m not even gonna point out the irony here.

Got a small smoke machine for ambiance.

Guess you just gotta make their decisions for ’em sometimes.

He says it’s so big it’s almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird shit about him.

Hey 12 step! Jay!!!

Hey boys! You can’t be imprisoned for watching an innerspecies sex act. You’ll walk, the most I’ll get is a fine for animal abuse and a lot of disgusted looks from a bunch of asswipe conservatives that can’t appreciate sexual exploration. Hey!

Hey faggot, they’re not gay they’re hobbits.


Hey, morons, there’s only one return and it’s not of the king, it’s of the Jedi!

Hey. Are you looking for a good Transformer’s site? Because at you can get an avatar that’s your picture morphed to look like a robot.

Hit that two timin’ fuck with this!

How the fuck did you father a child with a chick that’s not your fiance?! Holy shit! She got pregnant off the toilet seat you jerked off on I knew it!

I could probly sue this whole place for sexual harrasment right now. You’re just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firm beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.

I gotta lock up Kinky Kelly for tonight, before Dante goes off to Florida, gets married, and does all that other shit that keeps you from ever seeing a fucked up donkey show in your life.

I love my parents, I love my car, I love you! But romantic love? Hearts and flowers. There’s only one person out there for me..ugh..chances are there is always a better match for you out there than the person you end up marrying.

I made fun of Lord of the Rings so hard I made some supergeek puke all over the counter, where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

I thought you weren’t allowed to watch T.V. in your house because you’re all christian and shit.

I wanna be the first motherfucker to find a new lifeform….and fuck it.

I’d rather let them know I’m not an asshole.

I’m disgusted, and repulsed, and yet I can’t look away.

I’m fuckin’ bored man! Boredom is the first step on the road to relapse.

I’m sorry Jesus.

If you don’t get the fuck out of here so I can spend some quality time with my man, next I’m gonna show you my pooter.

Innerspecies erotica fucko!

It’s not like he’s Anne Frank or something. You know the chick who was all bwaahaa, until the miracle worker showed up and knocked some sense into her.

Jay: Me and Silent Bob finally bought a car, we were cruisin down the boardwalk, fuckin’ Middletown cop pulls us over on suspicion of mischief. Stoner #2: What the fuck is that? Jay: We were drivin’ around with a deployed airbag.

Just one of Kinky Kelly suckin’ off Optimus Prime.

May your first child be a masculine child!

Maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manekin Skywalker so much… Danger, danger my shitty acting is ruining saga.

Need some Mexican’s up in here. Get stuff done fast, Mexican make me loose my job, put a roof up in 30 seconds..shiit.

Next I’m gonna show you my pooter.

Oh no they were more than meets the eye!

Oh! Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.

Ooh cake!

Pillowpants is her pussy troll. Duh.

Randall: I know you’re a huge fuckin’ nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds, especially nerds who are into Lord of the Rings.

Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings Randall.

Randall: Yeah the kind of girls who are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn’t fuck them with the Torch of Gondor.

Randall: Yeah, because you’ve accepted the fact a long time ago that you’ll never get a chick.
Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
Randall: You couldn’t get a chick ya mook, you’re too weird and sad.

Randall: You love Mr. Dante don’t ya?
Elias: In a non-gay way.

Say what you will about Jesus but leave the Rings out of this!

She never called any jews sheeny, she just said sheeny curse a lot, it was cute.

She’ll be in here in 20 seconds you fuckin’ asskiss, what’s that all about?

Should read your bible sirs.

Shut the fuck up GoBot!

Some pickle fucker gave us free eats!

Something a little less demonic please!

Sometimes I wish I had done more with my life than hanging out in front of places sellin’ weed and shit. Like maybe be an animal doctor, I like seals and shit.

Sometimes in the heat of the moment, it’s forgiveable to go ass to mouth.

Stoner #1: Is that a fuckin’ bible?

Jay: Hey hey the Holy fuckin’ Bible son!

Sweetheart I don’t think of you in terms of being a girl, I don’t think of you in any…..*emma flashes him* Oh that was just wrong.

Take care clerks.

That’s beastiality Randall!

The best part about this job is all the barely legal pussy that walks in here and they all look up to me cause I’ve got a driver’s lisence. It’s awesome!

The guy is in a wheelchair! –Yeah, that’s why I called him crippy boy. Haaave a good one.

There he goes. Homeboy fucked a martian once.

There’s all kinds of weird shit in there, like for instance…did you know Jesus was a Jew?

This from the guy who just played tonsil hockey with his mother.

This tastes like piss and flies don’t it?

We have cleaning supplies?

Welcome to Mooby’s may I take your order?

What can I get for ya, ya little porch monkey? It’s cool I’m takin’ it back.

What if a customer walks in and my jerkin’ off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong? Next thing I know he’s trying to shove my dick in his mouth.

What’s sexier than an elf princess’ sword?

You became persona non nookie to me the minute my best friend started dittlin’ your pooter.

You can’t save it because you’re not black!

You know how every girl’s parents puts a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex? Well Myra’s is named Pillowpants, and Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillowpants will bite it off. So I gotta wait until Pillowpants is peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex. –And Myra told you this?– Girlfriends and boyfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randall, you’d know that if you ever had a girlfriend.

You never go ass to mouth!

You swung at me! —Ya ducked?!?— Because you swung at me!

You’re my best friend, don’t leave me man.

You’re not even supposed to be here today.

You’re the ugliest fuckin’ chud I know!

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