#1- They traded Bullfrog, I don’t believe it. #2- What’s that? #1- The Sox traded Bullfrog the only player they’ve got for Shottenhoffen. Four-eyes Shottenhoffen a utility infielder. They’ve got a whole team of utility infielders. #2- That’s nice.
#1- What is the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse? #2- Ah, Victor. His name is Victor. #1- How the H*** did you know that? #2- Everybody knows that.
‘Oh, fudge!’ Only it didn’t come out ‘fudge’. You know the one I’m talking about. It came out the big one. The mother of all dirty words. The F dash dash dash word!
(All the students bring in small gifts for the teacher, Ralphie brings a huge fruit basket, she stares dumbly at it for 10 seconds). Ralphie: Well, I just thought you’d be getting tired of the same old stuff. Narater: Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurt. Teacher: Well, thank you very much. (Ralphie gives her a huge wink) Teacher) Merry chrismas…Happy New Year….You can take your seat now.
(CHINESE WAITERS) Deck the harrs with bought of horry, Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!
(It was the first time that it had been suggested that I go help my father with anything.) Mom said I should help. Dad)Oh yeah? Ralphie)Yeah!
(staring at 32 electric plugs) Well, its just…one too many.
–I like Santa.
-Oh My God I shot my eye out!
>Ralphie you be careful out there, don’t shoot your eye out.
-She hadn’t seen! She didn’t know!
. . . an official Red Ryder carbon action bb gun, with a compass and a stock and this thing that tells time.
1 (singing). The Wonderful Wizard of (spoken) there they are. I’ll see you in Oz, folks. Well, did you see Santa Claus? 2. Yeah. 1. Did you tell him what you wanted for Christmas? 2. Yeah. 1. Did he ask you if you’d been a good boy all year? 2. No. 1. Don’t worry, he knows. He always knows.
1) Do you know what Ralphie just said? 2) What? (1 whispers the ‘F’ word into the phone) 2) NO!! NOT THAT!!!!!! 1) Do you know where he heard that word? 2) Probably from his father! 1) No! He heard it from your son! 2) WHAT!!?? WHAT!!?? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!???!!
1) I’m not color-blind. 2) I’m not color-blind, either.
1) Where’s Flick? 2) Flick? Flick who?
1)Don’t want to waste electricity. 2)(mocking) Don’t wanna waste electricity.
1)Get over here. 2) who me? 1) nah your aunt too, Yeah you get over here.
1)Say Uncle! 2)Uncaa! 1)Uncle! 2)Uncaaaaa!! 1)Louder! 2)UNCAAAAAAA!!!
1)You sure were bawling. 2) I Neva Bawed!
1. Don’t be shooting any wild animals or birds! 2. Except the Bumpuses dogs!
1. Hey, smartass, I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a light pole in winter, and he said that it would freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya. He knows, because he saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad tie on a bet, and they had to get the fire department to come get the guy’s tongue off, because he couldn’t get it off. 2. You’re full of it.
1. Oh, my goodness. Look at the time! I hope Santa Claus hasn’t had to pass up this house because some boys weren’t in bed when he stopped by. 2. Yeah, I thought that I heard Santa’s sleigh bells a little while ago, going up the other side of the street.
1. Tell me where you heard that word. 2. Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man, but I chickened out, and blurted out the first name that came to mind: ‘Schwartz’ 1. Oh, I see (puts soap back in Ralphie’s mouth).
[ The Old Man is fighting the furnace and swearing, the mother goes into living room ]
Ralphie as Narrator: What happened next was a family controversy for years.
The Old Man: YOU [ Curse word ] MONDANG NOODLE! YOU [ Curse word ]!!! [ Curse Word ] …CACA!
[ Sound of Old Man’s prize lamp falling onto floor, Old Man runs up stairs, to Ralphie, quickly ]
Old Man: What was that? What happened?
[ Ralphie shrugs shoulders ]
Old Man: [ Walks into living room ] What happened? What broke?
Mother: I don’t know what happened. I was watering my plant and
I… broke your lamp.
Old Man: Don’t you touch it! DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT! You were ALWAYS jealous of this lamp.
Mother: Jealous of a plastic la–
Old Man: JEALOUS! JEALOUS BECAUSE I WON!
Mother: That’s ridiculous. Jealos–jealous of WHAT?! That is… the ugliest lamp I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Ralphie as Narrator: Now it was out.
Old Man: Get the glue.
Mother: We’re OUT of glue.
Old Man: THAT’S IT! YOU USED UP ALL THE GLUE… ON PURPOSE!
Ralphie as Narrator: The Old Man stood quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was…
Old Man: NOT A FINGER!
A plus, plus, plus, plus, plus, plus
Adios, Bart, but if you do come back, you’ll be pushin’ up daisies, and don’t you forget it!
Ah ha Ah ha Ah ha. 4 Minutes! Time me!
Ah skunked again.No matter. Today I had serious work to do.
Ah, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revalries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world; the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.
Aha! The FUSE is out!
ahhhhh a can of salmon eyes.
Aunt Clara had, for years, labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually four years old, but also a girl.
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.
BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE.OVALTINE?A CRUMMY CHAMERCIAL?SON-OF-A BITCH!!!!!!!!!
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Sonavabitch!
Bud says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski’s candy store.
C’mon, cry for me!
Carter: Anything is possible if you just believe.
DAD- He looks like a deranged Easter bunny.
Mom- He does not!
Dad- Yeah he does, he looks like a pink nightmare!
DAD: Fraj-ee-lay….must be Italian. MOM: Honey I think that says fragile.
Dad: He looks like a deranged Easter bunny. Oh, he does not! Dad: He looks like a pink nightmare.
Dad: YOURE JUST JEALOUSE, BECAUSE I WON. Mom: JEALOUSE, THAT IS THE UGLIEST LOOKING LAMP I HAVE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Dad: Where’s the glue. Mom: We’re out of glue. Dad: YOU USED UP ALL THE GLUE ON PURPOSE. Narratore: As my old man thought of his last final battle words, all he could come up with, was- Dad: NOTTAFINGA!!!!
Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie!
Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie!!
Deck the halls with boughs of ha-ry- fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra.
Deck the halls with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!
Every family has a kid who won’t eat. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.
Everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.
F! You call this a paragraph? Margins! Margins! Margins! F! Oh, my life’s work down the drain! F! Oh I can’t read them. (comes to Ralphie’s) Oh, the theme I have been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence. A red ryder bb gun, compass in the stock, and this thing that tells time. Poetry! Scheer poetry! Ralphie, A+++++ (Ralphie blows kisses to the crowd, then gets carried around the room by his classmates while the teacher leads the celebration). (back to reality)Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Is there something you want Ralph? I’m just turning in my theme. Well you can take your seat now.
F-R-A-G-I-L-E must be Italion #2 I think that says fragile
FLICK: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That’s dumb!
SCHWARTZ: That’s ’cause you konw it’ll stick!
FLICK: You’re full of it!
SCHWARTZ: Oh yeah?!
SCHWARTZ: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
NARRATOR: NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare.
FOr one brief moment I saw all of the bolts silouetted against the lights of the traffic. And then they were gone.
Fra-gee-lay! Must be Italian.
Fra-gee-lay! Must be Italian…..
fragile ust be italian
Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving.
Go lie down ralpie i gotta take a shit and your in my way
Halfway around the block Shwartz was getting his
He always saw himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500.
He had Yellow eyes! So Help Me, Yellow Eyes!
He had yellow eyes.
He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
he looks like a pink nightmare
He Looks Like A Pink Nightmare!!!
He looks like a pink nightmare.
ho.ho.ho merry christmas kid
Holy smokes! It was 6:45! Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged me away from the glow of electric sex, gleaming in the window.
Holy Smokes! It was 6:45, only one thing in the world could have dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleeming in the window.
Honors and benefits, already at the age of 9.
How about a nice…Football? Football? Football?! Whats a football?
I can’t get up, Ralphie! I can’t get up Ralphie!!
I CAN’T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!
I don’t know what happened. I was watering my plant and I…broke your lamp.
I don’t think a football is a very good Christmas present.
I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!
I double dog dare you
I had one when i was 8 years old. Well what if he hurts himself..Ralphie your coat!!!!
I like the Easter Bunny!
I like the Tin man
I like the wizard of oz
I like the wizard of oz… I like the tin man
I looked up and there he was. Scut Fargus. Scut Fargus, what a rotten name! Scut Fargus, looking up at me with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes, so help me God, yellow eyes!
I shot my eye out!
I slowly realized that I was not about to be destroyed!
I told you not to use Lifebuoy!
I told you not to use White Boy!
I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU!
I triple-dog-dare ya!
i wanna be santa, i wanna be santa…
I was dead! What was I in for? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack or the Chinese water torture? Mere child’s play compared to what I was facing!
I went out to face the world again…wiser
I won I won I won! A major prize A major prize A major prize! Tonight Tonight Tonight its coming tonight!
I’ll open up his mouth and SHOVE it in. My mother was more suttle. Now this is your trough. Show mommy how the piggies eat. Naargh Naargh Naargh. Huh huh huh Naargh Nargh. Oh mommy’s little piggy.
I’ll see you in Oz, folks!
If he thinks I’m working one minute past nine, he can kiss my foot!
If ya’ll come back you’ll be pushing up daisies!
In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan (a.k.a. the lost lyrics to ‘If I Were A Rich Man’).
In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know, is still hanging in space over lake Michigan.
It was… It was… Soap Poisoning!
It’s a major award!
It’s six oclock! Only one thing you drag me away from the glow of electric sex gleaming in the window…
It’s smiling at me.
It’s undescribibly beautiful! It reminds me of the fourth of July!
It…it…it was…soap poisoning
Kids, it’s Little Orphan Annie time! Brought to you by rich, chocolately Ovaltine!
Look, honey, it’s Italian.
Meatloaf Meatloaf Double Beat Loaf I Hate Meatloaf.
Meatloaf, Meatloaf, Double Beat-loaf. I hate meatloaf.
Meatloaf, schmeatloaf, double beat loaf I hate meatloaf.
Mom) Come down so I can see you better. Aww, isn’t the most precious thing I’ve seen in my life (Brother laughing Ralph) Shut up Randy Dad) He looks like a pink nightmare Mom) He does not! Dad) He does too he looks likea derranged easter bunny. Are you happy wearing that? (Shakes head) Do you wanna take it off? (nods) Ok, tell the kid he can take it off Mom) Alright you’ll only wear it when Aunt Martha comes to visit (runs up stairs) Dad)TAKE IT OFF!!
Mom: Everything go alright? Ralphie)Silent
My father worked with profanity the same way artists worked with oils or clay.
My God! There could be anything in there!!! (jumps right in and throws straw everywhere) Maybe they forgot. Oh its somewhere. Its got to be somewhere. Oh boy oh boy. Would you look at that? Would you look at that? What is it? Its a leg. But what is it? Its a leg. Like, like a statue. Ralphie: Yeah a statue! (touching leg). Mom: Ralphie!
My mother had not had a hot meal FOR HERSELF in 15 years.
My old man could replace a fuse faster than a jack rabbit on a date. He bought them by the gross.
My old man’s spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
NARRATOR: Round one was over. Parents one, kids zip! I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe what happened next was inevitible.
MOM: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
NARRATOR: Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!
MOM: No, you’ll shoot your eye out!
NARRATOR: Oh no, it was the classic mother BB gun block! (Laughs)
‘You’ll shoot you eye out’!
NARRATOR: Some of us are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man.
DAD:…son of a BITCH would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!…Hold it! Shh! (Turns off the water. The furnace goes haywire) Aha! AHA! IT’S A CLINK-EEERRRRRRR!!! That blasted, stupid furnace! Dadgummit! (Starts to go downstairs [AUDIENCE: Watch your step!] HUGE crash [Oops, too late!]) Damn skates! (Coughs violently) Oh, for Chrissake, open that damper, will ya?! Who the hell turned it all the way down?! AGAIN! Aw, blast it! [AUDIENCE: ‘If I were a rich man…’](Starts screaming in gibberish)
NARRATOR: In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity that, as far as we know, is still hanging somewhere in space over Lake Michigan.
Not a Fingah!
NOT A FINGER!
Now it is well known in the midwest that the Old Man is a turkey junky, a bonafide golly turkaconis freak
Now it is well known throughout the midwest that the old man is a turkey junky, a bonafide golly turkacnis freak.
Now that star is crooked!
Oh look at that! Would you look at that? Its, Its, It’s indescribably beautiful. It reminds me of the Fourth Of July. Turn off the lights I want to see what it looks like from the street. Mom: Couldn’t we talk this over? Ralphie: I’ll go get the dining room.
oh my god, i shot my eye out
Oh my God, I shot my eye out!
Oh, can I please have some more? My mother had not had a hot meal for herself in 15 years.
Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca!
Okay, Black Bart, now you get yours.
Only one thing in the world could have dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex in the window.
Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least seven hundred and eighty five smelly hound dogs. And they ignored every other human being on earth except my old man.
Over the years I came to be quite the conosseur of soaps.
Pierre was in great voice tonight. I could tell that tonight’s message was REALLY important.
Put your arms down when you get to school.
Ralph: Don’t bother me. I’m, uh, thinking.
Ralphie fake crying: MOM THERE WAS THIS ICICLE AND IT FELL OF THE GARAGE AND IT HIT ME IN THE EYE AND IT BROKE MY GLASSES
Ralphie:I want an official Red Ryder Carbine Action 200 shot Range Model Air Rifle (smiles)
Santa: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. (Ralphies smile automaticaly changes into a surprised look) Marry Christmas, HO-HO-HO(pushes Ralphie down he slide)
Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.
Randy…show me how the piggies eat…
Randy: Come on Ralphie I gotta go! Mom: Ralphie, Randy has got to go. Ralphie: I said I’ll be right out!
Randy: Wow…yiiippee…it’s a zepplin!!
Dad: A can of simonize.
Remember: Annie is depending on you. Here is the message.
Right in the middle of our front room window!
Robert Gill! Farcus’ little toad. His lips curled over his green teeth.
Salesman)We got 300 trees. This here is the Christmas tree emporium of the whole midwest. Look at this tree. Aint no needles coming off this tree (thousands of needles fall off). This aint no tree. This here is a tree. Mom) It looks a little skimpy in the front. Salesman) Well, you can just put it in the corner. Dad)Haven’t you got a Big tree? Salesman) Yeah! Hell, this aint no tree! This here is a tree. Dad (giddy): Hah ha, look at the needles there (touches tree lovingly) Mom: Don’t you think its a little big? Dad)Oh no. You know Christmas only comes once a year. How much? Salesman) I’ll knock off two bucks because I can see your a man who knows his trees. Mom) This isn’t one of those trees where all the needles fall off is it? Salesman)Naah, that’s them Balsams. The old man loved bargaining as much as an Arab trader, and he was twice as shrewd. Dad) You know the neighbors bought one of those brand new plastic trees. (salesman gets a look of disgust on his face). Dad)This thing looks like it was made of…green pipecleaners (laughing) Mom: Its a very nice tree Dad) Naah. Salesman) I’ll throw in some rope and tie it to your car for you Dad) Sold!!
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.
SANTA: How about a nice….football? RALPHIE (thinking): Football? Whats a football?
Schwartz created a breach of ettiquete by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!
Serves you right, you smelly buggers!
Show mommy how the piggies eat . . . Mommy’s little piggy!
Some of us are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man.
sons a bitchin… bumpuses
Sons of bitches, Bumpases!!!
The line waiting to see Santa stretched all the way back to Terra Hote!
The old man’s eyes boggled.
The theme I have been waiting for all my life! Listen to this sentence…’A red ryder bb gun with this thing that tells time!’ Poetry! Pure Poetry! Ralph…an A+
There has never been a kid who didn’t belive, vaguely but insistently, that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21. And then they’d be sorry.
They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears…
those icicles have been know to kill people!
Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot damn! Tonight! Tonight!
We burst into the cornucopia, quivering with desire
Well its a bluuuue ball.
Well, I’ll manage to get along…somehow!
What brought you to this lonely stage?
What brought you to this loooowly state?
What happened next would remain a family controversy for years.
What I want for Christmas. What I want for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB-gun with a compass and a stalk and this thing which tells time. Wow, that’s great.
What is that? 2)Don’t bother me can’t you see I’m busy. 1)Yeah but what is that? 2)Its a, its a major award. 1) A major award! You won that? 2) Yeah. Its, you see, its mind power Sweed… Oh! You should see what it looks like from outside.
What’d I do mom? I didn’t do nothing! AAAAHHHH AAAAHHHH Half a block away Scwartz was getting his.
WOw Tha’s great!
You know a guy in Terre Haute won a bowling alley.
You look like a deranged Easter Bunny!
You should see what it looks like from out here!
You used up all the glue on purpose!
You used up all the glue, ON PURPOSE!
you’ll shoot you eye out kid
You’ll shoot your eye out!
You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!
[ On the way back from getting the tree, the tire blew out, The Old Man lost the bolts and Ralphie has said the ”F” word ]
Mother: [ Takes soap out of Ralphie’s mouth ] All right… where did you hear that word?
Ralphie [ Narrating ] Now I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists would work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master. But… I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind:
Ralphie as kid: SCHWARTZ!
Mother: Oh… I see. [ Puts soap back into Ralphies mouth, goes to phone, calls out Mrs. Schwartz ]
Mother: Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes. I’m fine. Um… Mrs. Schwarts, do you know what Ralph just said?
Mrs. Schwartz: [ On phone, indistinct ]
Mother: No. He said… [ Whispers curse word ]
Mrs. Schwartz: NO! NOT THAT!
Mother: Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
Mother: NO! HE HEARD IT FROM YOUR SON!
Mrs. Schwartz: WHAAAAT?! WHAAAT?! WHAAAAAAAT?!
[ Sound of footsteps, spanking sound, screaming sound ]
Page Topic: Movie Quotes from ‘Christmas Story, A’: Quotes from the movie ‘Christmas Story, A’